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Neurodivergent and Queer-Affirming Therapy

- Empowering Neurodivergent Queer Authenticity

Hi, my name is Taylor (any pronouns)


I am a neurodivergent Psychotherapist and Bodyworker.


I specialize in neurodiversity-affirming, queer-affirming, and trauma-informed care, taking a strengths-based, non-pathologizing approach for high-masking adults who have long been overlooked or dismissed. My work is grounded in the belief that you make sense, just as you are.


I provide therapy both in person in Copenhagen and online for individuals in Denmark and across Europe, I speak Danish and English.

"Healing begins when we are listened to

—not as a problem to be solved,

but as people deserving understanding and respect."

Get Started

- Email Me for a Free, No-Obligation Phone Conversation to See if There’s a Match.

Therapy with Me Is:

  • Neurodivergence Affirming
    Celebrating and supporting Autistic (benthic
    ), ADHD (pelagic), and all forms of neurodivergence.
  • Gender and Sexuality Affirming
    Supporting transgender, nonbinary, and gender-nonconforming individuals.
  • Relationship Affirming
    Respecting consensual non-monogamous, polyamorous, and open relationships.
  • Kink/BDSM Affirming
    Providing a safe, nonjudgmental space for individuals engaging in consensual kink or BDSM.
  • Anti-Racist and Anti-Oppressive
    Decolonizing mental health and supporting BIPOC communities.
  • Health at Every Size Affirming
    Fostering body positivity and respect for individuals of all sizes, guided by HAES principles.

  • Disability and Chronic Illness Inclusive
    Addressing the unique challenges faced by disabled individuals and those living with chronic illness.

PSYCHOTHERAPI & BODYWORK

My approach is grounded in neuroaffective developmental psychology, psychodynamic therapy, and somatic practices, integrating cutting-edge research with a deep respect for the value of lived experience. I have a particular interest in trauma and in how power dynamics in modern society impact neurodivergent and queer people. Learn more under: Psychotherapy & Bodywork.


Under Resources, I also write a bit about the key theories and methods I draw upon, including a brief note on science: Key Theories and Methods in Therapy: A Multi-Layered Human Approach.


RESOURCES

There are many neurodivergent professionals with deep expertise in neurodivergence, and they serve as a great source of inspiration to me—particularly the American and British neurodivergent queer professionals working within mental healthcare, therapy, and teaching. Therefore, I have included a section where I share recommendations of some of the most compelling and valuable resources and insights I’ve come across, which is updated regularly: Resources to Knowledge and Role Models.


Under Resources, I also write about the Danish labor market, where the biggest intersectional challenges play out. I present data and statistics and provide insight into the key players on the employee side (DK: arbejdstagersiden): People and the Labour Market: Data and Statistics.


BLOG AND POEMS

I am a neurodivergent activist advocating for diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging in our democracy—raising awareness of the non-stereotypical representations of autism and ADHD. Through my blog and poems, I explore what it means to be an authentic human being by sharing personal stories, insights, and reflections, woven together with facts and science—or sometimes just blunt facts. My aim is to foster understanding, connection, and positive change in our society. The blog and poems are my response to the widespread lack of understanding of what neurodivergence truly encompasses and the resulting lack of support many people experience. I write to challenge these misconceptions and myths. See more under: Blog and Poems.


    About Me

    - How I Got Here


    MY PROFESSIONAL BACKGROUND

    My professional journey reflects a unique blend of analytical and therapeutic expertise. I completed my training as a Psychotherapist at PUC in Copenhagen and am a Certified Esalen Massage Practitioner, trained in Zürich. Additionally, I have undergone extensive training in relational trauma therapy under the guidance of Merete Brantbjerg.


    For more than 20 years, I have practiced Tai Chi under the guidance of Lars Ewe, a student of Master Tung Kai Ting. This long-standing practice has deeply influenced my understanding of somatic awareness and body-centered approaches to healing.


    I hold an advanced degree in Economics (cand.polit.) from the University of Copenhagen, equipping me with a robust foundation in research and methodology as well as a nuanced understanding of society. My academic background in Rhetoric from Aarhus and Roskilde Universities, with a focus on solutions-oriented strategies and organizational culture, and leadership, has further deepened my understanding of systemic dynamics and human connection. Additionally, my expertise in sociology, statistical analysis, program theory and outcome management and evaluation has sharpened my ability to understand and navigate complex systems.


    Working progress

    At the moment, I am expanding my therapeutic expertise by exploring sexuality and intimacy through shibari, kink, and BDSM under the guidance of, among others, Beatrice Gigliuto, also known as Red Lily. These practices focus on fostering connection, a sense of belonging, and the joy, gratitude, and love that emerge from meaningful relationships.

     

    Psychotherapy & Bodywork

    - You Make Sense



    PSYCHOTHERAPY

    As a neurodivergent psychotherapist and gender-nonconforming queer, I bring lived experience to my work, challenging harmful myths and societal conditioning that often silence or marginalize neurodivergent and queer voices. I integrate lived wisdom with research, blending cutting-edge theories, relational trauma therapy, and somatic awareness—with a deep respect for the intuitive ways we come to understand ourselves. My approach is characterized by an intersectional understanding of identity, community, and the systemic barriers we face.


    "Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage"


    Brené Brown, Researcher on

    courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy


    POWER-OVER CULTURE UNDERMINDES AUTENCITY AND THE SENSE OF BELONGING

    We live in a culture that systematically oppresses those who deviate from perceived norms—whether due to neurodiversity, gender, sexuality, class, ethnicity, age, or disability. You may have been made to believe you overthink or are too sensitive. You’ve learned to doubt yourself and silence your voice out of shame and fear, often expending extraordinary energy trying to fit in. Perhaps you’ve been dismissed by others, misunderstood by providers, or labeled with conditions—or none at all—that fail to reflect your lived experience.


    This persistent oppression can cause us to question our reality and internalize the belief that we are not good enough. Neurodivergent people often engage in constant self-monitoring and environmental scanning to appear "normal" and meet neurotypical expectations. This leads to a profound sense of shame about our authentic selves. While we may appear composed outwardly, internally, we often feel anxious and burned out. Masking and trauma responses that once helped us survive now inflict emotional pain, disconnecting us from our true selves and our sense of belonging.


    One in five people is neurodivergent, and as many as one in five outpatient clients may be autistic. This reality creates an ethical obligation to challenge and move beyond outdated stereotypes.


    I WORK TO EMPOWER YOUR

    I am inspired by the neurodiversity movement, which seeks to empower individuals by advocating for inclusion, equity, and collective responsibility, fostering interpersonal practices that honor the dignity and inherent worth of every person.


    I Work to Empower You In

    • Feeling seen, validated, and confident as your authentic self.
    • Recognizing abusive dynamics and understanding their impact on your life.
    • Understanding your sensory profile and identifying your unique support needs.
    • Developing a sense of safety in your body and trusting your perceptions.
    • Building confidence in self-advocacy and establishing healthy boundaries.
    • Experiencing greater vulnerability and authenticity within safe relationships.
    • Embracing self-acceptance and learning to collaborate with your brain, not fight against it.


    The Body Holds and Heals Trauma

    I combine techniques, theories, and approaches from various therapeutic schools—always grounded in neuroscience. I have collected a library of approaches I have learned through reading, exploring bodywork and osteopathy, testing techniques on myself, collaborating with others, and gaining a deep understanding of how the nervous system functions.


    I have a lifelong fascination with the nervous system and its remarkable capacity to move toward healing and regulation, even after experiencing significant trauma. As social creatures, we are hard-wired to connect, play, and heal within a community. Safe relationships and the experience of empathy are essential pathways to healing—we can only fully realize our potential through meaningful connections with others.


    My approach is inspired by trauma theories and therapies. Movement helps the body process traumatic memories, break cycles of stress and tension, and release trapped energy. Practices such as yoga, meditation, self-care, and self-regulation skills, combined with de-armoring techniques (like bodywork) and breathwork (such as holotropic or deep breathing), play a vital role in supporting the healing process.


    I am equally inspired by creative work rooted in phenomenological and Jungian approaches, including dream work and art therapy. These methods tap into our unconscious resources through deep focus, imagination, and creative expression, such as writing, music, dance, drawing, painting, sculpting, and story enactment. I also draw inspiration from universal human experiences expressed in myths, fairy tales, and symbols, using these timeless narratives as tools for insight and growth.


    I have knowledge and experience with relationships, trauma, stress, shame, grief, crisis, anxiety, depression, abuse, addiction, self-destructiveness, and control behaviors such as eating disorders and OCD—as well as neurodivergence, including autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, Tourette syndrome, and more. Moreover, I am knowledgeable about the many physical symptoms that often accompany neurodivergent individuals.


    Short on Neurodivergence: Research doesn't understand what neurodivergence is—and yes, I know exactly what I’m saying here—which is why it surprises so many that so many people are being diagnosed today. At its core, neurodivergence is about having different kinds of minds that perceive and solve problems in their own unique ways. And even if you can categorize someone into a specific neurotype, they’ll still be wildly different from others in that same category—it’s called personality.


    Short on Trauma: Trauma is a natural part of life, arising from experiences that overwhelm our capacity to cope. Trauma is always relational because, as a species, we are interdependent on one another. Trauma is a bodily experience and is, therefore, inherently preverbal. Not talking about it makes it difficult to address how it affects your everyday life, while talking about it carries the risk of re-traumatization. There is no one-size-fits-all approach—every person is unique and deserves to be met in their own unique way.


    If you'd like to learn a bit about the theories and methods that inspire me, you can read more in the section: Key Theories and Methods in Therapy: A Multi-Layered Human Approach.


      BODYWORK

      The senses are the foundation for the development of human consciousness. I have conceptual synesthesia; I experience thoughts as tangible sensations, connected like ropes I can feel in my hands. If I haven’t sensed something, to me, it doesn’t exist. For this reason, I have dedicated myself to exploring somatic practices that address trauma through sensory awareness and embodiment. This gives me a unique insight into how self-awareness within the body is experienced from the inside—not as a concept, but as a lived reality for human consciousness.


      "Healing depends on learning to fully inhabit your body"


      Bessel van der Kolk,
      Psychiatrist and trauma researcher


      Esalen Massage

      People who have been traumatized—or conditioned by our culture—to ignore their body’s messages often struggle with self-regulation. Self-regulation depends on cultivating a friendly and attuned relationship with the body. You can’t fully recover if you don’t feel safe in your own skin. Touch helps awaken your body and reassures you that you are safe.


      Esalen Massage originates from California and is known as "the art of conscious touch." It draws inspiration from Charlotte Selver, the founder of Sensory Awareness, whose central belief is that our experiences are shaped through the senses. Her methods aim to deepen the connection between body and mind, fostering a sense of wholeness and presence.


      Esalen Massage combines elements from various techniques, including classic Swedish massage, deep tissue massage, shiatsu, and additional practices such as breath awareness, energy work, joint mobilization, and mindfulness. This integrative approach cultivates a profound connection between body and mind, promoting relaxation, balance, and self-healing. The massage alleviates physical and mental tension while supporting the body’s natural ability to self-regulate.


      Relational Trauma Therapy

      All trauma is preverbal, and the body keeps the score, storing the imprint of experiences in ways that words cannot fully express.


      Relational Trauma Therapy integrates bodywork and relational dynamics, emphasizing the use of bodily sensations as a gateway to healing. Central to this approach is Resource-Oriented Skill Training (ROST), which focuses on strengthening internal resources through body-based skill-building rather than delving exclusively into trauma narratives. These methods are particularly effective for individuals who feel overwhelmed by traditional trauma therapy or struggle to connect with their emotions.


      Tai Chi and Qi Gong

      We don’t truly know ourselves unless we can feel and interpret our physical sensations. To navigate safely through life, we must be able to register and act on these signals. Tai Chi and Qi Gong encourage looking inward rather than outward, fostering a deep connection with your body and creating a sense of agency.


      Tai Chi Chuan, developed by the Yang family in the 19th century, is deeply rooted in martial arts. Yang style Tai Chi integrates the principles of Taoism, emphasizing the harmony of yin and yang forces. It focuses on achieving balance between softness and strength, stillness and motion, and the unity of mind and body.


      The Yang family style of Tai Chi is one of the most widely practiced and recognized forms of Tai Chi Chuan worldwide. It combines physical movement, mental focus, and breath regulation to cultivate inner calm and physical vitality. Often practiced alongside Qi Gong—a system of energy cultivation—Tai Chi enhances relaxation, improves circulation, and promotes a harmonious flow of energy.


      Regulating the Nervous System Through Connection and Resonance

      The vagus nerve, as part of the parasympathetic nervous system, plays a vital role in calming the body, recovering from stress, and maintaining balance. Stimulating the vagus nerve enhances your body’s natural ability to self-regulate, promoting emotional, mental, and physical well-being.


      Self-regulation and co-regulation are essential for managing emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, helping us adapt to stress and maintain healthy relationships.

      • Self-regulation focuses on internal strategies to achieve emotional balance.
      • Co-regulation relies on mutual emotional regulation through connection and interaction with others.


      At the heart of co-regulation is resonance—the process of emotionally attuning to another person’s state. Through resonance, we mirror and regulate each other’s nervous systems, fostering a deep sense of safety, connection, and belonging. This is why we often feel calmer in the presence of a compassionate person and more anxious around someone who is tense or distressed.


      Practical techniques that engage the vagus nerve and promote emotional balance include: humming and chanting, taking a cold bath, laughing, stretching, yawning, tapping, EMDR, getting upside down, engaging peripheral vision—and, most importantly, getting a hug and talking to a friend. By incorporating these techniques—especially within resonant and safe relationships—we support our nervous system’s natural ability to regulate, heal, and restore balance.


      "Trauma blocks love and connection,

      and love and connection heal trauma"


      – Frank Andersen,

      Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist


        Resources

        - Knowledge is the Path to Insight


        Resources to Knowledge and Role Models

        25 March 2025 (continuously updated)

        "I wish I had had role models," says Olympic rowing champion Caragh McMurtry in an interview with Matthew Head on The Dyslexia Life Hacks Show. Here, you can find references to resources that offer a nuanced insight into the neurodivergent world, seen through neurodivergent eyes. This list will be updated continuously as I come across new materials..

        Key Theories and Methods in Therapy: A Multi-Layered Human Approach

        13 February 2025

        My approach integrates neuroscience, emotional systems, relationships, and sexuality to explore the layers of human experience—from the nervous system to cultural and social factors. It is strengths-based, trauma-informed, and non-pathologizing, fostering understanding, healing, and growth. I also occasionally incorporate insights and comments about research.

        People and the Labour Market: Data and Statistics

        5 March 2025 (continuously updated)

        There are many misconceptions about how well things are going in Denmark, but since the first labor market reform in 1994, society has been in decline. We haven’t noticed it because we don’t talk about real people’s lived experiences. I highlight the numbers that reflect this reality—how many people suffer from stress, how many are diagnosed with mental health conditions, what people receive in unemployment and social benefits, the rising costs of housing, and much more.


        » Resources to Knowledge and Role Models
         25 March 2025


        "I wish I had had role models," says Olympic rowing champion Caragh McMurtry in an interview with Matthew Head on The Dyslexia Life Hacks Show. Here, you can find references to resources that offer a nuanced insight into the neurodivergent world, seen through neurodivergent eyes. This list will be updated continuously as I come across new materials.


        Many of those I choose are neurodivergent themselves and work as psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, anthropologists, sociologists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, neuroscientists, as well as authors, artists, business owners, engineers, and professional athletes. But most importantly, they are also a mother, a partner, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.


        But before you read on, I want to start by mentioning my role model, Brené Brown—a researcher, storyteller, and Texan—who has spent the last two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She reminds me every day why I write my blog the way I do: "Strong Backs, Soft Fronts, and Wild Hearts".


        First, an introduction to autism—trailer for upcoming documentary: The Divergent Gift: Unboxing Autism.


        NB. Most links are open access, but a few are not. You might be able to access them through your local library.


        DR. MEGAN ANNA NEFF (AuDHD) and PATRICK CASALE (AuDHD)—Psychologist and Psychotherapist

        The Divergent Conversations Podcast is hosted by Patrick Casale and Dr. Megan Anna Neff, two AuDHD mental health professionals and entrepreneurs, as well as features other well-known leaders in the mental health, neurodivergent, and neurodivergent-affirming community.


        Their podcast is particularly engaging as they discuss what it truly means to be neurodivergent from the heart, spicing up their conversations with research. They also feature fascinating guests, most of whom are neurodivergent themselves, contributing valuable insights on topics such as eating disorders, PDA, PMDD, chronic health challenges, alexithymia, neuroqueer identity, and parenting.



        Dr. Megan Anna Neff:


        Patrick Casale:


        DR. KARISSA A. BURNETT (AuDHD)—Psychologist

        Dr. Karissa A. Burnett is a depth psychologist and trauma specialist who brings both science and soul to her work. She highlights the challenges of living in a power-over culture, where neurodivergent individuals are often misunderstood, leading to trauma. She explores how we can live healthier, more authentic lives while becoming aware of how internalized ableism impacts us and learning how to override it.



        POTCASTS

        Special Topics:


        Podcast Series:

        • The Neurodiversity Podcast, host Emily Kircher-Morris: Emily interviews a wide range of experts in areas such as children, autism, ADHD, communication, somatic well-being, addiction, trauma, emotions, relationships, empowerment, sensory needs, and myths, many of whom are neurodivergent themselves.

        • Neurospicy, host Katrine Dybdal (AuDHD): Katrine tells the story of her own struggles with well-being, work, love, and family life, as well as her journey toward receiving her diagnosis.
        • Evolving Psychiatry, host Dr. Adam D. Hunt: Adam interviews different experts about a new suitable paradigm for psychiatry, where they, among other things, look at what the function is of what we today have defined as a 'dysfunction,' and show that what we have defined as a disorder is an adaptation to our environment, serving the purpose of cognitive specialization.
        • The Dyslexia Life Hacks Show, host Matthew Head (Dyslexic): Matthew challenges your prejudices about dyslexia and learning.


        ARTICLES


        The Labour Market - Research shows that differences in the performance and communication of autistic people are judged as lesser and subject to discrimination:


        A Social Perspective - Science is not inherently fair:


        OTHER CREATORS, WEBSITES, BOOKS, AND DOCUMENTARIES

        TED Talks:


        YouTube:

          • Generic Art Dad: Chris Gad (AuDHD), Mental Health Creator—Chris is just super good at nailing it!
          • MyFavoriteJo: Jo (AuDHD), or whatever their name is, are just super funny at turning things upside down and talk about the challenges neurotypicals face and how you, as a neurodivergent person, can help them.
          • What Women With Autism Want You to Know: The message to women is simple: You are enough.


        Websites:

          • Neurodiverse Sport: Caragh McMurtry (Autist), an Olympic champion in quadruple sculls rowing, showcases inspiring role models through her website.
          • Temple Granding (Autist): The grand old lady herself.
        • Embrace autism: Among other things, advocate for the positive representation of autism and promote, communicate, and conduct research.
        • Reframing Autism: Fostering greater expectations for a rewarding life grounded in the civil, political, and social participation of autistic people.
        • Inside Our Autistic Minds (Website): BBC documentary with Chris Packham (Autist), a renowned naturalist and broadcaster on CBBC.


        Other:

        • An Autistic Guide (Instagram): Kathleen Duncan (AuDHD), Licensed PDA AuDHD Therapist—Talks about what it’s like to have children with PDA, to have everything under control until she no longer does, and how to rise again from that.
        • Dr. Ludmila Praslova (Book): "The Canary Code - A Guide to Neurodiversity, Dignity, and Intersectional Belonging at Work".

        • Judy Singer (Book): "NeuroDiversity: The Birth of an Idea"Introduced the concept of neurodiversity for the first time in 1998.


          Specifically about meltdowns by Toren Wolf (YouTube):

          Toren, a 16-year-old young man, describes how it feels to experience a meltdown immediately after it happens, as well as how to help. Toren, who is particularly challenged by his autism, provides an incredibly precise account of a universal human reaction—one that everyone experiences at some point in their lives when things become too overwhelming, too prolonged, and too difficult—and the shame that follows afterward.


          Physiologically, a meltdown is a neurological emergency, while a shutdown is a neurological freeze, postponing the meltdown for later—often as a result of masking or dissociating from your feelings. It can be described as your brain desperately searching for footing.


          Listen more on the subject in the podcast The Divergent Conversations, hosted by Megan Anna Neff and Patrick Casale: Sensory Shutdown and Meltdowns: Navigating Neurodivergent Experiences.


          Specially about burnout by Kathleen Duncan (Facebook):

          Kathleen (AuDHD), an experienced marriage and family therapist with lived experience and a mother, talks about how she experienced burnout and how disabling it can be in a family of PDAs.


          ABOUT KIDS

          The best literature on neurodivergence is written by professionals who are themselves neurodivergent and have neurodivergent children. They experience it from the inside and possess both the expertise and lived experience to articulate it effectively.


          Books:

          • Calm the Chaos - a Fail-Proof Road Map for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids // Dayna Abraham.
          • Det neurodivergente menneske - En psykiaters tanker om diagnoser, rummelighed og et ny menneskesyn // Pernille Darling.


          Articles:


          Podcasts:

          • Gestalt language processors // Ali Battye (The Neurodiversity Podcast, host Emily Kircher-Morris, March 2025): Ali talks about different processing and learning styles in language, specifically Gestalt Language Processing (GLP) through Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC), as seen in echolalia, where language is processed in intonational chunks instead of, as usually understood, one word at a time in Analytic Language Processing (ALP).

          • Unraveling the Mysteries of Baffling Behaviors // Robin Gobbel (The Neurodiversity Podcast, host Emily Kircher-Morris, January 2025): Robin talks about how children's behavior is often a response to unmet needs or stress and is frequently an attempt to find regulation. Co-regulation is essential for emotional support and development.
          • Applying Neuroscience to Education // Allison Posey (The Neurodiversity Podcast, host Emily Kircher-Morris, January 2025): Allison talks about Universal Design for Learning and how no two brains are alike, transforming the design of traditional materials and systems so that every individual can engage, participate, and thrive.
          • Words Matter: Statements That Harm the Mental Health of Neurodivergent Kids // Jaime A. Heidel (AuDHD, Hyperlexic & C-PTSD) (The Autism ADHD Podcast, host Holly Blanc Mosses, September 2024).


          Websites:

          • Ditte Rose Andersen: Ditte (Autist) is a Danish psychologist specializing in Intensive Interaction.


          DR. MAUREEN DUNNE (AuDHD and Hyperlexic)—Cognitive Scientist and Business Leader

          Dr. Maureen Dunne is enowned Oxford-trained cognitive scientist, neurodiversity expert, and business leader. Maureen presents a pioneering framework to harnessing the power of neurodiversity to navigate the most important human resources revolution in the modern era. She is a neurodiversity expert for the LEGO Foundation’s $20 million Play For All social impact fund.



          Interviews:


          OLIVER RASMUS TONNING (AuDHD and Dyslexic)—Aspiring Psychologist

          Interviews:


          Articles:


          PHILIPPA LUND (ADHD)—Psychologist and Activist

          Articles:


          JONAS VENNIKE DITLEVSEN—Psychologist and Debater

          Interviews:


          Articles:



          » Key Theories and Methods in Therapy:
          A Multi-Layered Human Approach

          13 February 2025

          My approach integrates neuroscience, emotional systems, relationships, sexuality, social sciences, and intersectionality to explore the layers of human experience—from the nervous system to cultural and social factors. It is strengths-based, trauma-informed, and non-pathologizing, fostering understanding, healing, and growth. I also occasionally incorporate insights and comments about research.

           

          My approach to working with people is deeply inspired by the American and British neurodivergent queer community: I take a strengths-based, non-pathologizing approach and apply a trauma-informed perspective.


          The theories and methods I employ are organized around the different layers of the human experience, progressing from the nervous system to sensory and muscular systems, emotions, cognition and mental health, relationships, cultural and social factors, and sexuality. This layered approach reflects the interconnected nature of our physical, emotional, and social selves, bringing together all insights that help us understand who we are.

           

          I draw on neuroscience, focusing on self-regulation and co-regulation of the nervous system, including the interplay of afferent (sensory input) and efferent (motor output) pathways. I utilize knowledge of somatic markers from António Damasio and Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges.


          I combine this with inspiration from Prentis Hemphill, therapist, somatic educator, and founder of The Embodiment Institute, as well as Texan researcher and storyteller Brené Brown, who explores courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.


          You see, one size does not fit all—and most methods have never been validated by science, even if some of their mechanisms might have been. Therefore, it is essential to maintain an awareness of what works for whom, when (which is very important), and where—and to understand that it is perfectly okay to change methods if or when something does not seem to work for you.


          Along the way, I sometimes include comments about research. Karl Popper, a philosopher of science, believed that scientific theories can never be conclusively proven true; they can only be falsified through testing. Therefore, ideas and assumptions should be continuously questioned and critically tested because science is a growing system, not a system of belief. Theories and paradigms that cannot be falsified are not science.


          Cultural and Evolutionary Perspectives:

          SEXUALITY AND WEIL-BEING by Emily Nagoski—Empowering Women Through Science and Understanding

          Emily Nagoski’s research delves into the complexities of human sexuality and well-being, with a particular focus on women. She explores the intricacies of female desire and arousal, offering science-based insights into sexual satisfaction and emotional intimacy. With her engaging and evidence-driven approach, Nagoski highlights the vital roles of self-compassion, connection, and empowerment in understanding and embracing human sexuality.


          EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGY/PSYCHOLOGY/PSYCHIATRY—Mental Traits and Conditions as Adaptations to Cultural and Social Factors

          Evolutionary biology, psychology, and psychiatry examine how mental traits and conditions are shaped as adaptations to environmental, cultural, and social factors. This perspective suggests that behaviors and mental processes, including those considered disorders, may have evolved to solve challenges faced by our ancestors, and their persistence today often reflects mismatches between evolutionary adaptations and modern environments.


          Comment—When Scientists and Politicians Get It Wrong

          I think this area of science takes a somewhat speculative approach because we cannot ask nature what its intentions are. However, since our body and mind are not isolated islands but are constantly adapting to our surroundings, the human mind seeks strategies to make sense of the world and navigate our environment. These strategies include different ways of thinking and problem-solving, such as those seen in autism, ADHD, and dyslexia, as well as emotional responses like anxiety and depression—because we are a meaning-making species.


          When many people share the same traits, it’s not the people who are getting it wrong—it’s science that isn’t getting it right. In Denmark, when 821.000 people out of a population of 6 million, including children—13,5% of the total population—take psychiatric medication to maintain the image of being the happiest country in the world, it’s not the people who are at fault; it’s the scientists and politicians dehumanizing them.


          Emotional Growth and Personality Development:

          COURAGE, VULNERABILITY, SHAME, AND EMPATHY by Brené Brown—The Keys to Connection and Belonging

          Brené Brown’s research delves into the interplay between courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, uncovering how these elements are essential for fostering authentic connection and a sense of belonging. Her work emphasizes the power of vulnerability as a strength that deepens relationships and challenges the barriers created by shame and fear.


          Comment—The Problems with Research Methods

          The gold standard in research, the randomized controlled trial (RCT), is not the best method to determine whether something works. This is primarily because it fails to explain why and how—especially in a world where problems are complex and multifaceted. The method is best suited for situations where a clear theoretical framework already exists, and the objective is to confirm or refute a theory.


          In contrast, Grounded Theory—used by researchers such as Brené Brown—focuses on generating theory from data, enabling researchers to answer questions like: "Why does this happen?" and "How does this work in a given context?" This approach makes it possible to study phenomena as they naturally occur and to understand the interaction of various contextual factors.


          As an example, one could see the blood clots caused by the COVID vaccine under a microscope, which led to the discontinuation of vaccines from Johnson & Johnson. However, the damage to the nervous system caused by Pfizer-BioNTech and Moderna, from which many people reportedly suffer today, cannot be observed under a microscope. Neither did statistical methods support this, not because of the overall sample size, but because the people's symptoms couldn't be distinctly identified.

          The vaccine, like COVID, appears to carry a risk of causing long-term health problems that are difficult to explain. Just to clarify, I am not against vaccines—they have saved countless lives, such as those for smallpox and polio—but their use must be informed and transparent, and the limitations of research must be acknowledged.


          My opinion is that research must reflect the lived experiences of those it speaks about; otherwise, the research is not relevant.


          BOUNDARIES, HEALING, AND LIBERATION by Prentis Hemphill—Embodying Justice and Collective Care

          Prentis Hemphill’s work weaves together the concepts of boundaries, healing, and liberation, emphasizing the intrinsic connection between personal healing and collective justice. They are widely known for their profound definition of boundaries: "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously". Hemphill’s approach to healing centers on somatic practices that address trauma not just as an intellectual or emotional challenge, but as an embodied experience. Their philosophy inspires a vision of liberation rooted in community care, emotional resilience, and embodied presence.


          THE BIG FIVE—Understanding Core Personality Traits

          The Big Five personality framework identifies five broad dimensions of human personality: Openness (ranging from closed to experience to open-mindedness), Conscientiousness (spanning impulsiveness or carelessness to organization and reliability), Extraversion (from introversion to outgoingness), Agreeableness (from antagonism to cooperation and empathy), and Neuroticism (ranging from emotional stability to emotional reactivity). This model provides a comprehensive structure for understanding individual differences in behavior, thought, and emotion.


          Comment—Research on Personality Lacks Scientific Support

          There are many different personality tests designed to assess potential job candidates by measuring and evaluating individual personality traits, preferences, and behaviors. I have personally taken tests like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), Thomas, Enneagram, DISC, and the Big Five—some of them multiple times. These tests lack scientific reliability—can you repeat the test and get the same result?—and validity: does the test truly measure what it claims to measure? Contrary to what is often claimed, their outcomes are influenced by cultural and personal circumstances.


          In my own experience, the results of these tests have varied over time. This is partly because my life circumstances have changed, and partly because I have chosen to reinterpret a question. It’s worth noting that I know what the “right” answers are for a specific job, and so I adapt my responses accordingly.


          When we test, we have to ask ourselves how these personality tests correlate with the neurodivergent profile. My MBTI result is ENTP—I am a debater, acting like a bunch of horses barely staying within the fence—which doesn’t align with the autistic traits in my AuDHD profile. What it does tell us is that humans are different, and we must be very careful not to adopt stereotypical understandings that lead us to treat people in ways that become self-fulfilling prophecies, ultimately limiting their opportunities.

          No two brains are alike, even if they share the same neurotype.


          Cognition, Language, and Meaning-Making:

          COGNITIVE AND AFFECTIVE NEUROSCIENCE by Daniel Kahneman—Understanding Human Decision-Making and Biases

          Daniel Kahneman’s work bridges psychology, cognitive processes, and affective neuroscience to explore how humans make decisions, respond emotionally, and develop cognitive biases. His research highlights the dual systems of thinking—fast, intuitive decision-making (System 1) and slow, deliberate reasoning (System 2)—revealing how biases and heuristics influence our choices in everyday life.


          Comment—Scientists Gets It Wrong When They Talk About a "Normal"

          When researchers compare brain scans between a person with what they call a "normal" brain and a person they label as having an "autistic brain," they have already gotten it wrong. Why? Because nature—though we cannot ask it—would not be so stupid as to produce only one type of brain if Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest holds up to scrutiny.


          So, when researchers conclude that people labeled as having "autistic brains" have not had their synapses pruned in the same way as a "normal" brain, they assume that nature made a mistake—one that humanity must now fix. It is a hegemonic, pathologizing, eugenics-driven, reductionist way of thinking—a Promethean hubris.


          We have 46 chromosomes, 86 billion nerve cells, and 37 trillion cells in total. Our genes are constantly being turned on and off, transcribed, and regulated to control the body's production of proteins, hormones, and other essential substances. We have 50–100 different hormones, more than 100 different neurotransmitters, several dozens of cytokines and growth inhibitors, and around two dozen vitamins and minerals. We live in symbiosis with our gut microbiome, where bacteria play a crucial role in producing neurotransmitters and other compounds that our bodies cannot synthesize on their own. Then there is the neuroendocrine system, which connects the nervous system with the hormonal system. We also have the immune system and the lymphatic system, working together to maintain balance and health. Our brain has between 100 trillion and 500 trillion synapses. And much, much more is constantly at work within the body and brain of the human species, enabling us to navigate the world around us. It’s by no means simple, and therefore, there is no "normal"; otherwise, we would still be jellyfish in the Panthalassic Ocean, extinct 500 million years ago.


          LANGUAGE, MEANING, AND EXPERIENCE by Ludwig Wittgenstein—How Words Shape Our Reality

          Ludwig Wittgenstein’s philosophy explores how language constructs meaning through social context rather than fixed definitions. His concept of language games highlights how communication is shaped by culture, relationships, and shared understanding. He challenges the idea that words can fully capture human experience, emphasizing their limits in expressing emotions and sensations. His insights are key to understanding how language influences identity, relationships, and therapy.


          Comment—Scientists Hold a Monopoly on Defining How People Are Categorized and Perceived

          Language matters, and the language used about autism is stigmatizing. However, non-autistic researchers resist changing it, arguing that restricting their terminology compromises objectivity—while failing to consider real-life experiences. This means that people in power dictate how others are perceived, shaping public understanding and policy in ways that do not align with the lived realities of autistic individuals.


          This is an ethical problem, as it reinforces hierarchies of knowledge where the voices of those being studied are disregarded, despite their expertise in their own lived experiences. Ethical research should prioritize inclusivity, respect, and the autonomy of marginalized communities in defining their own narratives.


          Mind-Body Integration:

          SOMATIC MARKERS by António Damasio—Focusing on Emotions, Consciousness, and Decision-Making

          António Damasio’s concept of somatic markers explores how emotions and bodily sensations guide decision-making processes. These markers act as subconscious shortcuts, helping us evaluate choices based on past experiences and emotional responses. This framework bridges the connection between the body, emotions, and the mind, highlighting the role of consciousness in shaping our decisions.


          SOMATIC EXPERIENCE by Peter Levine—Releasing Stored Energy From Traumatic Experiences

          Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing focuses on releasing energy stored in the body from traumatic experiences. By tracking physical sensations and their associated emotions, this approach helps restore balance to the nervous system. The method emphasizes the body’s innate ability to heal by gently resolving the physiological stress responses that remain.


          BODYNAMIC by Lisbeth Marcher—How Muscles Store Emotional Experiences and Memories

          Lisbeth Marcher’s Bodynamic approach explores the connection between muscles and emotional experiences. It posits that muscles hold memories of past events, storing emotional imprints that can influence behavior and well-being. By working with the body and its muscular patterns, Bodynamic therapy aims to release these stored emotions, fostering healing and integration of both body and mind.


          TRAUMA AND THE BODY by Bessel van der Kolk—Healing Through Mind-Body Connection

          Bessel van der Kolk explores how traumatic experiences—including traumatic invalidation and minimization (or, as I call it, the reliable repetitions of everyday life)—are stored not only in the mind but also in the body. He examines the profound impact of trauma on the brain, emotions, and physical health. By emphasizing the importance of holistic healing approaches—combining traditional therapy with somatic practices such as yoga, EMDR, and mindfulness—his work highlights the deep interconnection between the mind and body. This perspective provides valuable insights into understanding and treating trauma, fostering lasting recovery and resilience.


          Comment—Research Has a Blindside to the Complexity of Health

          Neurodivergent people often experience accompanying mental and physical symptoms. Due to heightened stress responses—particularly in the autonomic nervous system (commonly referred to as the stress system)—and sensory sensitivities, many face health challenges such as brain fog, sleep disorders, chronic pain, severe menopause, hypermobility, allergies, gut issues, hormonal fluctuations, chronic inflammation (including neuroinflammation), and immune dysfunctions. All of these factors actively and physically drive mental health. Because of the co-occurrence, it is difficult to separate which symptoms stem from neurodiversity (and mental health) and which are physical.


          Sleep disorders may include a flat melatonin curve, dysregulated circadian rhythms, nocturnal awakening, and an overreactive nervous system (e.g., hypervigilance). Other common issues include migraines and conditions related to immune dysregulation, such as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), and POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), which is a form of dysautonomia.


          Dysautonomia, encompassing a range of autonomic nervous system dysfunctions. Additionally, metabolic hormonal dysfunction, which affects processes such as insulin regulation, thyroid function, and reproductive hormones. Dysautonomia may also include symptoms like MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome), PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), and systemic inflammation. Other related issues include uveitis (inflammation of the uvea) and systemic conditions such as chronic fatigue, lupus, fibromyalgia, CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis), EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), UTCD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), and HSD (Hypermobility Spectrum Disorders).


          Additionally, traits such as PDA (Persistent Demand for Autonomy, also referred to as Pathological Demand Avoidance in the medical model), RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), JS (Justice Sensitivity), and Alexithymia may also be present.


          Particularly in relation to dysautonomia, nervous system regulation, and stress-related conditions, heart rate variability (HRV) reflects the balance between sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) activity—that is, how efficiently or inefficiently the nervous system functions.


          In short, your nervous system is constantly out of regulation. Let me be clear: this is not just because you are neurodivergent, but because you live in a society that does not provide surroundings that support your self-regulation or co-regulation.


          Elevated stress in the body has been scarcely researched, despite the identification of somatic responses. One reason for this gap is that research funding—whether from private corporations or public entities—tends to prioritize areas that promise quick, tangible results or economic benefits. As a result, studies on the subtle and complex impacts of trauma on the body, which are harder to monetize, are vastly overlooked.


          This funding bias reveals a broader truth: research is inherently political and guided by financial incentives. Consequently, our understanding of what trauma does to the body and how to heal from it remains limited. It’s easy to allocate resources to study a parasite under a microscope—a clear, measurable problem with straightforward solutions. However, uncovering the intricate damage trauma inflicts on the nervous system is far more complex—and unpredictable—and less financially rewarding, leaving critical questions unanswered. Unfortunately, this also leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy in research, as researchers often fail to conduct grounded research and exercise ethical consideration.


          Neuroscience and Emotional Regulation:

          POLYVAGAL THEORY by Stephen Porges—Connection Between the Autonomic Nervous System and Emotional Behavior

          Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory explores the intricate connection between the autonomic nervous system and emotional regulation. It highlights how the vagus nerve, a key component of the parasympathetic system, influences social behavior, stress responses, and overall emotional well-being. For individuals with highly sensitive neuroception, this connection is particularly significant, as their heightened nervous system activity often leads to amplified responses to perceived threats or safety cues—a characteristic commonly observed in Persistent Demand for Autonom (PDA). By understanding this connection, Polyvagal Theory provides valuable insight into how our body’s physiological states shape our ability to connect with others and respond to challenges, forming the foundation for trauma-informed approaches to healing and self-regulation. Dysautonomia occurs when the autonomic nervous system dysfunctions.


          • Safety and Social Engagement System (Ventral Vagus System): In the present, curiosity, compassion, groundedness, mindfulness—Affects our face, voice, and ears.
          • Fight-or-Flight System (Sympathetic Nervous System): Panic, fear, anxiety, rage, anger, and irritation.
          • Shutdown, Freeze or Immobilization System (Dorsal Vagus System): Dissociation, numbness, depression, shame, and hopelessness.


          Comment—Scientists Can't Differentiate Between Trauma Responses and Neurotypical Traits

          ... coming up ...


          NEUROAFFECTIVE DEVELOPMENT PSYCHOLOGY by Susan Hart—Understanding Emotional and Personality Development

          Susan Hart’s Neuroaffective Developmental Psychology integrates insights from developmental psychology, trauma research, attachment theory, neuroscience, and evolutionary psychology to explore how emotional and personality development unfolds across the lifespan. This approach emphasizes the role of the nervous system and emotional regulation in forming healthy relationships and resilience.


          AFFECTIVE NEUROSCIENCE by Jaak Panksepp—Understanding Positive and Negative Emotional Systems

          Jaak Panksepp’s Affective Neuroscience identifies seven primary emotional systems that shape human behavior: Seeking, Lust, Care, and Play (positive emotions), and Rage, Fear, and Sadness (negative emotions). These core emotions are deeply rooted in the brain’s subcortical structures, influencing our responses to both internal and external stimuli. By mapping these systems, Panksepp provides a framework for understanding how emotions drive our actions, relationships, and experiences.


          SELF-DETERMINATION THEORY by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan—Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness

          Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory emphasizes three core psychological needs—autonomy, competence, and relatedness—as fundamental to motivation and well-being. It provides a framework for understanding conditions such as Persistent Demand for Autonom (PDA), Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), and Alexithymia, shedding light on how unmet psychological needs can contribute to these challenges and how fostering these needs can enhance personal growth and emotional regulation.


          POSITIVE DISINTEGRATION – OVEREXCITABILITY by Kazimierz Dabrowski—Heightened Sensitivity and Responsiveness to Stimuli

          Kazimierz Dabrowski’s theory of Positive Disintegration highlights the role of overexcitability in emotional and psychological development. He identifies five types of overexcitability: Emotional, Intellectual, Imaginational, Sensory, Psychomotor, and Existentialism. These represent heightened sensitivity and responsiveness to stimuli, often leading to intense experiences and reflections. Dabrowski suggests that these traits, while challenging, can foster personal growth, self-awareness, and higher levels of psychological integration.


          Foundational Theories and Perspectives – Childhood and Early Psychology:

          ATTACHMENT THEORY by John Bowlby—Early Experiences as the Blueprint for Lifelong Relationships

          John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory explores how early experiences with caregivers form inner working models that shape how we understand, form, and manage relationships throughout life. These attachment patterns influence emotional regulation, trust, and connection, providing a framework for understanding both secure and insecure relational dynamics across the lifespan.


          THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE SELF by Daniel Stern—How Early Relationships Shape Identity

          Daniel Stern’s theory explores how early nonverbal interactions with caregivers shape our sense of self and emotional regulation. Through affective attunement, infants develop trust, connection, and self-awareness, influencing how we relate to others throughout life. His work highlights the lasting impact of early relational experiences on emotional well-being.


          MENTALIZATION by Peter Fonagy—Understanding the Mind Behind Behavior

          Peter Fonagy’s theory of mentalization examines our ability to understand and interpret our own and others’ thoughts, emotions, desires, and intentions. Rooted in attachment theory, mentalization emerges through secure caregiver relationships, promoting emotional regulation, empathy, and social understanding.


          The Double Empaty Problem: When Scientists Gets It Wrong and Hurts People

          At one point, researchers concluded that autistic individuals lacked empathy because they believed autistic people struggled to "put themselves in another person's place." This contributed to harmful stereotypes and the mistreatment of autistic people. The research was later tested and dismissed due to flawed research design and weak argumentation.


          The lack of understanding between people is not solely an autistic versus non-autistic issue. It often stems from differences in social norms and communication styles, which also occur between people from different cultures, backgrounds, and social classes. This phenomenon is now known as the Double Empathy Problem—the idea that misunderstandings arise from reciprocal communication challenges, not from deficits within one group.


          Scientists have an ethical responsibility to reflect on the implications of their conclusions, especially when these conclusions deviate from established beliefs about human nature. No group of people should be categorized as inherently more or less empathetic than others. Making such claims not only reflects poor scientific judgment but also reveals a lack of empathy and ethical consideration on the part of the researchers themselves.


          When scientists gets it wrong, it doesn't just produce bad data—it can reinforce stigma, shape discriminatory policies, and cause real harm to people’s lives.


          ZONE OF PROXIMAL DEVELOPMENT by Lev Vygotsky—Bridging Potential and Learning Through Social Interaction

          Lev Vygotsky’s concept of the Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD) is defined as the gap between what one can learn independently and what one can learn with assistance. The ZPD emphasizes the critical role of social interaction in cognitive growth, highlighting that learning is a social process that thrives on guidance and collaboration.


          Comment—Science Gets It Wrong When It Assumes There Is a Typical Way of Learning

          ... comming up ...

           

          THEORIES EXPLAINING AUTISM AND ADHD

          The Predictive Brain Theory, Sensory Processing Differences Theory, Epigenetic Theories, the Social (Disability) Model, Intense World Theory, and Multifactorial and Interactional Models (Bio-Psycho-Social Approach).


          Comment

          I will sometimes make mistakes in my use of language or research that are not be fully inclusive of neurodivergent experiences. As I learn, I will strive to correct and improve.



          » People and the Labour Market:
          Data and Statistics

          5 March 2025

          There are many misconceptions about how well things are going in Denmark, but since the first labor market reform in 1994, society has been in decline. We haven’t noticed it because we don’t talk about real people’s lived experiences. I highlight the numbers that reflect this reality—how many people suffer from stress, how many are diagnosed with mental health conditions, what people receive in unemployment and social benefits, the rising costs of housing, and much more.


          We Danes like to talk about how wealthy our country is and how our social system supports us in times of adversity—but that’s not the reality. I grew up in the Danish subclass, where you depended on Christmas aid just to be able to dance around the Christmas tree, and only a long series of fortunate events gave me the life I have today. But it would take just a few unfortunate events to send me right back into the darkness I barely escaped.


          "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark"


          - William Shakespeare,
          Hamlet (Act 1, Scene 4)


          Because of my background, I’ve learned to look people in the eyes. I see the whites of the eyes turning yellow of the person working at the kiosk as he stands there every day from eight in the morning to midnight. I notice the skin color of the waiter and the delivery person from Wolt. I see the person dropping off your flyers in the mailbox running out from behind a van, alongside a group of others, being yelled at in a brutal tone. I talk to the kid doing their internship at a school because they couldn’t find an apprenticeship with a craftsman—and who gets scolded by teachers for it. I listen as an employee describes how vulnerable people with physical disabilities are spoken to harshly by the staff. I speak to the person who just lost their job due to stress and is now struggling to make ends meet. I notice the dirty nails and the desperate look in the eyes of the homeless person begging on the train. I talk to the young person who worked for free all night to prove they’re worthy of a job. I talk to the undocumented migrant worker about how they get paid for jobs they’re not legally allowed to hold. I see people before I see the numbers, and I see that Denmark faces the same problems as every other country around us.



          INCOME AND EXPENSES PER MONTH—Before and After 1/3 Tax Deduction in 2025

          Expenses

          • Typical rent in Copenhagen for a small apartment: 13.000 DKK.
          • The equivalent 6-month deposit for the rental agreement, most of which you don’t get back due to renovation costs: 78.000 DKK.


          Unemployment Benefit (dagpenge)

          • For fully insured (incl. one unpaid day every 4th month): 20.849 / 13.899 DKK.
          • For recent graduates (non-dependent) aged 30 and above after three month: 13.100 / 8.733 DKK.
          • For recent graduates (non-dependent) aged 29 and below after three month: 10.371 / 6.914 DKK.


          Other Benefits

          • Danish State Educational Grant (DK: SU) for students aged 18 and 19 living independently (DK: udeboende): 4.546 / 3.031 – 7.086 / 4.724 DKK.

          • Resource process benefit (ressourceforløbsydelse) aged 30 and above, for up to three to five years: 12.770 / 8.513 DKK.
          • Social assistance (DK: kontanthjælp) aged 30 and above: 12.770 / 8.513 DKK.

          • Social assistance (DK: kontanthjælp) aged 29 and below living independently (DK: udeboende): 8.231 / 5.487 DKK.
          • Disability pension (DK: førtidspension): 21.103 / 14.069 DKK.
          • Public pension (DK: folkepension) and supplementary pension benefit (DK: ældrecheck) for a single person without any other income: 17.669 / 11.779 DKK.


          THE LABOUR MARKET

          People in Denmark

          • People living in Danmark (people with an address, regardless of citizenship) as of November 2024: 5.993.317,  of which 1.142.029 are under the age of 18, and 857.864

            are the age of 71 or above (the pension age in 2050).

          • 10,5% of residents do not hold citizenship and cannot participate in the democracy as of 2023.


          The Labour Market

          • Jobs in Denmark (not the same as fulltime positions) as of November 2024: 3.047.340, of which 384.667 are held by foreigners, representing nearly 13%.
          • Globalization:

            • Around 220 million Europeans from the 27 member states have direct access to the Danish labor market.

            • Worldwide, 73 million people can work remotely in Denmark from another country, mainly through online freelance platforms or consultancy agencies. They are not paid salaries for providing labor but fees for providing a service, making them difficult to capture in statistics.

            • In Europe, 17,3 million people were subjected to forced labor conditions (modern slavery) in the private sector, while 3,9 million endured state-imposed forced labor in 2021.
          • Members of a labor organization or union as of 2023: 1.935.320, whereas 411.428 are members of yellow (DK: gule) unions.
          • Members of an A-kasse as of June 2024: 2.110.586.
          • Nearly 43.000 young people between the ages of 15 and 24 were neither employed nor enrolled in education, representing 6,4%, in 2023.

          • 50% of UK employers reveal that they would not hire a neurodivergent jobseeker.
          • 85% of autistic adults are unemployed or underemployed.
          • 16.720 people were granted lost earnings compensation for caring for their own children (DK: tabt arbejdsfortjeneste ved forsørgelse af børn med nedsat funktionsevne) in 2023.


          Neurodivergent Individuals and Those Who Function Differently

          • 1 in 5 people is neurodivergent, and nearly half of Generation Z (born between 1997 and 2012) identify with the neurodivergent umbrella.
          • 1 in 5 outpatient clients may be autistic.
          • 1 in 6 people has a disability, representing nearly 16% of the global population.


          STRESS

          • Stress costs 55 billion DKK per year, equivalent to 55.600 full-time positions (37 hours per week).

          • 29% scored high on adults hight on the stress scale in 2021.

          • Nearly 8% have experienced being bullied at work, of which 67% were bullied by a colleague, and 38% were bullied by a leader in 2020.

          • Nearly 85.000 people used their health insurance for mental health first aid in 2023.

          • Almost 83.000 people received compensation for lost work capacity from their pension company in 2024, with around 39.000 cases due to stress.

          • A total of 821.000 people receive psychopharmaceuticals in 2024, 107.000 of whom take ADHD medication.
          • 4 in 5 people will receive treatment for a mental illness at some point in their lives.
          • There are 135 private psychiatrists, 32 of whom are over 65 years old, as of february 2025.


            CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE

            • 45% of autistic children experienced involuntary absence from primary school in 2023, with 16% of them having been out of school for more than a year.

            • Around 15% of all children and young people under the age of 18 were diagnosed with a mental health condition in 2021.


            A SOCIAL PERSPECTIVE

            • More than 20.000 families seek Christmas help (DK: julehjælp) from Danish People's Aid alone in 2024—an 18% increase compared to two years ago—while more than 18.600 applied for assistance from Blue Cross Denmark.

            • The Danish state collects debt directly from the salaries of 310.000 individuals in 2024, in some cases up to 60%. In certain instances, nearly 74% of the monthly payment consists of interest.


            THE ORGANISATION OF THE LABOUR MARKET: THE UNEMPLOYED

            Democratic education (DK: demokratisk dannelse) in Denmark is very weak—lacking transparency—compared to other countries, for the simple reason that we have never been taught how to participate. And no, voting every fourth year for 179 people sitting at Christiansborg is not where change happens. It happens in our everyday lives. And so, we have no understanding of how different institutions influence our lives long before decisions reach the politicians at Christiansborg.


            There are four key players in the labor market who influence politics and daily life when it comes to employees (DK: arbejdstagere)—yet we Danes overlook them and fail to understand their impact. It's those who stand right in front of you, shaping real change in your daily life.


            Unions like DJØF are Shell Democracies

            Danish labor organizations and unions, such as DJØF, consist of professionals within specific fields of education or work. Their primary purpose is to secure better pay and working conditions for their members while they are employed—not for those outside the job market. However, over the past 30 years, membership has declined to around 64% of the total labor force, with most agreements now concentrated in the public sector. As a result, unions have lost significant power and no longer wield real influence over politicians.


            DJØF is a democratic organization where members can make their voices heard— that is, a shell democracy— because there is no transparency about how it works, except for those who already understand its structure.


            In DJØF, unemployed members are allowed to run for election. However, if they secure a job during a normal election period—just like other member groups—they are immediately excluded from participation for the remainder of the term. This makes it impossible for unemployed members to have their voices heard in the long run, effectively rendering them invisible.


            Moreover, unemployed members are only allowed to participate from meeting to meeting without voting rights, further eroding the little influence they have over their own lives.


            DJØF's political leadership and bylaws—as you will notice, there are no sub-associations (DK: delforening) for the unemployed. Moreover, there is no information on whether you, as an unemployed person, can run for election or how to do so. Unless you already understand how local democracy works, you have no entry point to making your voice heard.


            I put this to the test by asking DJØF directly, and the response I received was simply: 'You can find the bylaws on the website.'


            The bylaws are a legal document, and I am not a lawyer with expertise in associations (DK: foreninger), so I have no clue how to understand them—let alone how to put them into practice.


            NOTE—A word about the yellow (DK: gule) unions. They are known for focusing more on individual counseling and legal aid than on collective bargaining, having few strikes, and working more closely with employers. The fact of the matter is that a large part of the private labor market is not organized. Strikes are almost nonexistent, and individual counseling and legal aid are very sparse. In other words, I don't see the yellow unions differing in action from the others, particularly the academic unions, which also organize many managers and therefore work together with employers.


            The Danish A-kasser, like AAK, are Private Companies with a Political Board

            The Danish A-kasser, such as Akademikernes A-kasse (AAK), are private non-profit organisations that administer unemployment insurance and ensure that job seekers fulfill their legal obligations in relation to Jobcenter requirements.


            The A-kasse is obligated to impose economic sanctions on job seekers who fail to meet these requirements. However, they are not required to assist job seekers in navigating their social circumstances or securing stable employment that guarantees their financial well-being.


            The political board of AAK is chosen by the representative assembly (DK: repræsentantskab), which consists of 18 unions, including DJØF. When trying to find out how the board are selected, you receive the same answer as with DJØF: 'You can find the bylaws on the website.': Akademikernes A-kasse (AAK) bylaws (DK: vedtægter).


            Jobcenters are Political Organizations

            Jobcenters are public employment offices run by municipalities in Denmark. Their role is to assist unemployed individuals in finding jobs and ensure they meet legal requirements to receive benefits.


            The rules governing Jobcenters are developed through a collaboration between politicians at Christiansborg, the state, and both private and public companies in Denmark. You may not have been aware of this, but this is how the democratic process functions.


            Danish Economic Councils

            One of the most influential bodies shaping the Danish labor market is the Danish Economic Councils (De Økonomiske Råd). Since their establishment in 1962, these councils have been overwhelmingly composed of white, middle-aged, privileged heterosexual cis men. Notably, no woman has ever held the position of head chair (DK: overvismand)—or 'chairman,' as the title itself reflects. Out of the 49 people who have held positions in the council for more than 60 years, only four have been women, and only one has not been white—a foreign woman. No other population group is represented in one of the most influential organizations affecting Danish politics and the economy for individuals.


            Their political goal is to ensure the largest possible supply of employees while keeping financial compensation for those not in employment as low as possible. However, they do not have the political goal of ensuring that employers are obligated to provide jobs for all, that wages are fair and livable, or that employees are protected from workplace-related illness and harm. In other words, social justice ensuring some kind of equal distribution of income and wealth is not part of their goal.


            NOTE—A word about the free movement of workers in Europe (DK: arbejdskraftens frie bevægelighed). A very important point that economists have managed to miss is that the free movement of workers in Europe means that a fast-growing number of people lose their voting rights in the parliament of the country they were born in, making it impossible for them to influence the political body that has the greatest effect on their lives—ensuring them access to jobs and a fair, livable wage.


            Blog

            - Stories Bridging Feelings and Facts


            Trauma-Informed Approach to Stress and complex PTSD: In the Modern Era of Chronic Stress

            24 February 2025

            Denmark lacks a cultural foundation for recognizing a trauma-informed approach due to historical and societal norms. I offer a new perspective on what stress and complex PTSD are, why they arise, how to avoid retraumatization, and where a trauma-informed approach should be applied.

            Barrierer på jobmarkedet

            8 February 2025

            Arbejdsmarkedet i Danmark er præget af strukturelle barrierer og sociale normer, der gør det svært at finde og fastholde job, især for neurodivergente og personer med anderledes behov. Uigennemskuelige rekrutteringsprocesser, manglende inklusion og dårlig håndhævelse af antidiskriminationslove fører til stress, økonomisk usikkerhed og social eksklusion. Der er behov for handling for at sikre trygge arbejdsforhold og retfærdige muligheder for alle.

            Belonging: The Joy of Deepening Connection

            28 December 2024

            "I’m about to share my most vulnerable reflections yet—about belonging, love, and the raw emotions that connect us all. Admitting how much I cherish the feeling of belonging fills me with a twinge of shame. I also feel shameful for writing about why I find both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships difficult. I think that most of us struggle, no matter what relationship type, because we find it so hard to feel vulnerable around others. We live in a culture that convinces us we are never enough and thereby misses to point: vulnerability is essential for connection, and connection is essential belonging.

            Sanserne: Vejen til Belonging

            7 November 2024

            Sanserne er vejen til både følelser og tanker. Sanserne – samt hvordan kroppen og hjernen bearbejder dem – udgør grundstenen i neurodivergens. Vi har otte sanser og hele 150 typer af synæstesi. Jeg vil udforske, hvordan dette påvirker vores måde at være i verden på. Jeg vil også kort berøre begrebet "belonging"; sanserne er nemlig vejen til at føle os forbundet med verden og give os en dyb følelse af samhørighed.

            De Otte Fællesmenneskelige Adrenalin- og Traumereaktioner

            1 August 2024

            Der er mange forestillinger om, at årsagen, til at neurodivergente mennesker opfører sig anderledes, skyldes en gennemgribende udviklingsforstyrrelse. Det er en myte. Jeg vil her beskrive de otte almenmenneskelige traumereaktioner mennesker udvikler, når de ikke bliver set på med kærlige øjne. Og som er den mest almindelige adfærd, vi ser hos både neurodivergente og neurotypiske mennesker, når øjnene, der ser, er i bedste mening.

            Next Step, Bryd Myterne

            19 Juli 2024

            Efter en pause på tre måneder, hvor jeg har dykket ned i neurodivergens, skriver jeg om, hvordan neurodivergens er præget af myter, hvilket fører til stigmatisering. Jeg begynder fortællingen om, hvordan jeg sad i Sitges en tidlig morgen i april og fik tilbudt kokain, fordi der er mange fordomme og manglende viden. Jeg opfordrer til at bryde myterne og anerkende neurodiversitet som en naturlig del af menneskelig forskellighed.

            Årets fødselsdagsbrev: 51 år og nu Neurodivergent Aktivist på Jagten efter Autencitet

            28 April 2024

            Jeg er neurodivergent. Fra mine tidligste erindringer har jeg vidst, at jeg tænkte, talte og handlede anderledes. Jeg undlod at søge en diagnose på grund af fordomme, der ikke passede til min oplevelse. Jeg er netop vendt hjem fra Barcelona og Sitges, hvor jeg genskrev min livshistorie, som for første gang giver mening. Her er mit fødselsdagskort, der fokuserer på neurodiversitet, arbejds- og privatliv samt fremtid.

            Undersøgelse af Gaslighting og Ekslusion i LBGT+ Miljøet

            Jeg skriver om, hvor ubehageligt jeg oplever LGBT-miljøet. Dertil undersøger jeg årsagerne bag, hvorfor små samfund ekskluderer mennesker, samt sætter spørgsmålstegn ved, hvorfor LGBT-miljøet skal være så ekskluderende. Til sidst opfordrer jeg til inklusion og accept af mangfoldighed og autensitet i LGBT-miljøet.

            Meltdown in London City Airport

            In 2006, I had a meltdown at London City Airport when my flight was canceled. I lost control and started kicking my bag and shouting, but was help by kind people. This episode reminded me of a similar episode when I was 10 years old, highlighting the fact that traumatic reactions can arise under intense and long-term stress, and that support and understanding from others are crucial to healing.

            Hvorfor Skriver og Taler Jeg Engelsk?

            Jeg udforsker, hvordan valg af sprog påvirker mine evne til at forstå mine indre tilstande og udtrykke mig selv, samt hvordan sprogskift er en strategi til at håndtere stress og overvældelse.

            What is Neurodivergence?

            I write about the misconceptions surrounding neurodivergence and highlight the diverse cognitive styles and problem-solving approaches of neurodivergent individuals. I talk about my personal experiences. And I end et by advocating for neurodivergence to be removed form diagnostic classification for greater inclusivity.

            Historien Bag, Hvordan Jeg Lærte at Maskere

            Jeg skriver om, hvordan jeg hvordan jeg lære at maskere for at undgå at blive følelsesmæssigt overvældet. Det gør jeg gennem episoder fra min barndom, hvor jeg reflekterer hvilke strategier jeg har anvendt for at håndtere mine følelser og sociale interaktioner – i min søgen efter frihed til at være mig selv.

            The Nervous System, Connective Tissue, and Interoception

            Interoception, the sense of internal body state, and the nervous system are closely intertwined, influencing emotions, cognition, and behavior. Additionally, the nervous system and connective tissue interact bidirectionally, affecting bodily functions and sensory perception. Overstimulation or trauma can cause the connective tissue to stiffen, triggering physiological responses. Dysregulation in interoceptive processing or the autonomic nervous system can lead to various health issues.

            Things About My Autism

            The text is about my personal experiences with autism. It covers various aspects such as heightened sensory perception, coping mechanisms like stimming, difficulties with social interactions and communication, and the internal struggle with masking and shame.

            No More Masking

            The text explores authenticity and the concept of masking, focusing on how individuals on the autism spectrum hide their true selves to fit societal norms. I look into the motivations behind masking and compare it to the false self as experienced by neurotypical individuals, emphasizing differences in the comprehension of social rules.

            Sensitive, Intuitive, and Strong

            The narrative essay provied a blend of personal experiences with sensitivity, intuition, and empathy from the perspective of an autistic individual.

            What Kind of Autist Am I?

            I reflect on what it means to have an social autism profile, and what the positive traits and challenges are.

            My Childhood Muse: Communication and Connection

            The story is my journey of learning to express myself and connect with others, reflecting on my journey from childhood experiences, struggles with communication, to growth through adulthood in workplaces, friendships, and relationships.

            The Autist is the Canary in the Mineshaft

            The article provides a blend of personal and professional perspectives on sensory challenges faced by individual with autism, drawing attention to parallels with non-autistic experiences, particularly in terms of sensory overload, the role of the connected tissue, and trauma. Additionally, it delves into personal healing strategies rooted in scientific understanding.

            Why Empathy and Meaningful Connections Are Difficult for Everyone

            One of the reasons I have never approached a diagnose as autistic is that the the narrative was that people with autism had no empathy and could not make meaningful connections. That was scary. But the fact of the matter is, learning to be empathic and create meaningful connections is difficult for everybody.

            Without Judgment

            The story revolves around the fear of being too sick to handle the job, finding relief in expressing emotions without judgment, and the importance of self-compassion.

            Finding My Way Home

            This is a personal journey exploring the pursuit of authenticity, navigating past challenges and coping strategies, and emphasizing the importance of seeking help without judgment in connection to publishing the blog.

            Sunflower

            A ‘personal reflective essay’ inspired by Hannah Gadsby’s show ‘Nanette’ with a touch of science, delving into themes of attachment, trust, and resilience, and the profound role of how sharing our stories fosters connection.

            Hannah Gadsby and How I Got to Think I Am a Genuine Autist

            This is a little story about how a one-hour walk made me consider myself a genuine autist, not just a pseudo-autistic person.

            Jeg er Autist

            Gennem livet er jeg blevet kaldt mange ting: sær, excentrisk, mærkelig, håbløs, anderledes og naiv. Dette er en personlig refleksion over, hvordan jeg oplever verden, og opfordrer til større forståelse og accept af neurodiversitet.


            » Trauma-Informed Approach to Stress and complex PTSD:

            In the Modern Era of Chronic Stress

            24 February 2025


            Denmark lacks a cultural foundation for recognizing a trauma-informed approach due to historical and societal norms. I offer a new perspective on what stress and complex PTSD are, why they arise, how to avoid retraumatization, and where a trauma-informed approach should be applied.


            A lot has been written about stress and complex PTSD, but there are no clear descriptions of what these conditions look like in everyday life and what causes them. Additionally, there are no guidelines on how you communicate with people who is challenged with stress or PTSD, without the risk of retraumatizing them.


            UNDERSTANDING STRESS AND COMPLEX PTSD: A NEW DEFINITION AND DEEPER INSIGHT

            Stress is a response that occurs when communication is delivered in a way where the demands presented contain conflicting messages (including norms and unspoken expectations) that cannot be fulfilled simultaneously, and where the messages change frequently (unclear intentions).

             

            The stress response is an expression of a psychosocial pressure that leads to a (physical) hypotonic collapse in the nervous system and an emotional and mental breakdown of meaning (2nd and 3rd degree stress).

             

            When an individual is in environments where they are constantly exposed to stress, fear, or helplessness, and where there is no possibility of escape, complex PTSD can develop (where the body's stress response is chronically activated and cannot switch off).


            – Taylor Jeppe, Psychotherapist & Bodyworker


            Redefine and Uncover the Hidden Layers of Stress and Complex PTSD

            The first time I read a definition of stress, it was by Bo Netterstrøm, a stress researcher, who stated: “There is an imbalance between the demands placed on a person and the individual's ability to meet those demands.” When I first encountered the definition of PTSD in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), it described PTSD as: “A response to a traumatic event outside the range of normal human experience.

             

            Both definitions only provided vague descriptions of the circumstances in which demands becomes too much. Neither answered two critical questions: Why does the demands exceed a person’s ability to cope? What happens in the person’s body when they cannot cope?

             

            But equally important: Why does some people heal while others don’t?

             

            Modern science has recently shown that trauma, stress, and complex PTSD are far more common than previously thought—arising from situations such as family violence, car accidents, intense medical treatments, loss of a loved one, bullying, and prolonged exposure to stressful situations, including chronic illnesses, financial instability, work-related stress, and academic pressures—and that the body has a natural ability to heal when the circumstances are right.

             

            So, I developed a new definition by combining insights from Merete Branbjerg, who developed a relational trauma therapy with a body-focused approach, Nadja U. Prætorius, a lecturer in cross-cultural and social psychology, who offered a social perspective on modern trauma, and Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist and social scientist, who introduced the concept of double-bind communication, which provided insight into the psychological stress that arises when an person receives conflicting messages that cannot be resolved.

             

            The purpose was to integrate what happens between people, what occurs inside a person's body when they experience stress, and how stress can evolve into complex PTSD.

             

            Physical and Emotional Manifestations of Stress and Complex PTSD

            In cases of severe stress or complex PTSD, a person experiences a breakdown in the body's natural self-regulation—dysautonomia of the nervous system—meaning the body can no longer pendulate between activity and rest, making it difficult to return to a state of calm

             

            Physically, this manifests as a faster and stronger heartbeat, an inability to properly exhale carbon dioxide (not due to hyperventilation), severe muscle tension—particularly around the eyes, jaw, neck, and along the spine leading, among other things, leading to dental problems—dilated pupils, visual disturbances such as wandering eyes and shimmering vision, stomach issues, a buzzing sensation in the skin and trembling, becoming very cold or warm, and sweating, often with a strong odor as a result.

             

            These physical responses lead to intense physical pain, poor sleep, sensory hypo- and hypersensitivity—including sensitivity to sounds, light, smell, and touch—as well as difficulty concentrating, resulting in hypervigilance, brain fog, and thoughts going in loops. They experience a sense of disconnection from themselves and their surroundings, and their emotions seem to take on a life of their own—irritability, anger, helplessness, confusion, and panic attacks arise suddenly and without control.

             

            They react to even small triggers and attempt to over-adapt to avoid conflicts, creating a feeling of shame and of being less worthy. They struggle to trust themselves and others, have difficulties forming relationships, and withdraw from social situations.


            The difference between stress and complex PTSD lies in whether or not you start to get better when you are removed from the situation that caused the stress. For those with complex PTSD, removal from the stressful situation is not enough, as the body remains in a state of chronic dysregulation.


            To put it in everyday words: Because you have been under unreasonable pressure that you felt unable to escape, your nervous system collapsed, making it impossible for you to regulate your body and mind—your homeostasis is completely out of whack.


            The best way to describe the state a person is in is that it feels like having a terrible hangover 24/7. Sometimes, it feels like you've just had a shot of schnapps; other times, it feels like you've downed an entire bottle of vodka—and it changes within the same day.

             

            When you meet a person is in a state of high stress, the first priority is to provide first aid and stop the "accident," avoiding any actions that add to the trauma.

             

            BUILDING TRUST AND SAFETY: THE ESSENTIALS OF A TRAUMA-INFORMED APPROACH

            When your talk to someone in a high alert state, it is crucial not to add to their trauma by minimizing or dismissing their experience, ending up retraumatizing the person.

             

            A trauma-informed approach involves recognizing the widespread impact of trauma and understanding potential paths for recovery. It emphasizes creating a safe, supportive, and empowering environment for individuals who have experienced trauma. The approach integrates knowledge about trauma into policies, procedures, and practices to avoid retraumatization and promote healing.


            Key Principles of a Trauma-Informed Approach

            • Safety: Ensuring physical and emotional safety for individuals—This includes creating a welcoming and trustworthy environment.
            • Trustworthiness and Transparency: Building and maintaining trust through clear, consistent, and transparent communication.
            • Peer Support: Utilizing shared experiences to promote recovery and provide a sense of connection and understanding.
            • Collaboration and Mutuality: Fostering a sense of partnership and equality in relationships—whether between professionals and clients or within teams.
            • Empowerment, Voice, and Choice: Supporting individuals' autonomy and helping them regain control over their lives and decisions.
            • Cultural, Historical, and Gender Sensitivity: Recognizing and respecting diversity and addressing historical and cultural trauma.


            Where to Apply a Trauma-Informed Approach

            • In the Workplace: Promoting a culture of empathy and support, offering mental health resources, and ensuring policies do not inadvertently trigger trauma responses.
            • In Unions, A-Kasse, and Job Centers: Addressing unemployment-related stress, providing individualized guidance, and creating safe, supportive environments.

            • In Education: Creating safe learning environments where students feel valued and supported, implementing strategies to help manage stress and trauma responses.
            • In Healthcare: Understanding a patient's trauma history, adapting treatment plans, avoiding triggers, and promoting healing.
            • In Therapy: Using therapeutic methods that prioritize safety, grounding techniques, and validating the individual's experiences without judgment.

             

            THE CULTURAL SILENCE: WHY DENMARK LACKS A TRAUMA-INFORMED APPROACH

            In Denmark, there is no tradition of a trauma-conscious approach. The cultural narrative of being the happiest country in the world with high equality has blinded us to our historical imperialism, colonialism, and the occupational culture that persists today—such as in the Kingdom of Denmark's relationship with Greenland.

             

            Denmark’s peasant society and manor culture (DK: bondekultur og herregårdskultur) emphasized tradition, stability, and skepticism towards change. Historically, Danish culture has marginalized women, servants, the poor, bankrupts, fools, criminals, and foreigners (DK: Fruentimmere, Folkehold, Fattige, Fallenter, Fjolser, Forbrydere og Fremmede), the seven groups that were excluded from political participation when the Constitution was established in 1849.

             

            In 2025, people under guardianship (DK: mennesker under formynderskab) still do not have the right to vote, and a growing number of people with foreign parents also lack the right to vote.


            This systemic marginalization has created a societal understanding where "it is best not to stand out", making it very difficult to break with existing power structures and norms. This cultural backdrop often means that trauma and its effects are not recognized, hindering healing and growth at both individual and societal levels.


            This has severe implications for children who struggle in schools, young people who struggle to complete their education and enter the job market, and individuals falling out of the job market—all struggling economically to make ends meet, which ultimately affects their physical and mental health.


            WHEN NEURODIVERGENCE MEETS TRAUMA: RETHINKING DIAGNOSES AND STRESS RESPONSES

            There are many misconceptions about what neurodivergence is. When we examine diagnostic manuals, there is a significant overlap between different diagnoses. This reveals several insights, including that researchers and professionals does not understand what they are observing.


            What stands out to me is that trauma, stress, and complex PTSD are underlying factors that reappear across diagnoses. This seems self-evident, because when you are struggling to make yourself understood but are consistently dismissed by those around you, you naturally become stressed.


            Autism: Stress or Neurodivergence?

            Let me give you an example with autism. Autism is often defined by a tendency to withdraw from one's surroundings. But is this withdrawal due to being autistic, or is it a natural response to being overwhelmed, which is a sign of stress?


            Anyone who has experienced illness knows that social interaction can feel overwhelming, leading to a desire to withdraw. Therefore, my perspective is that the need to withdraw from surroundings is not a uniquely autistic trait, but rather a universal human response.


            The reason it occurs more frequently among autistic people is that they are often overwhelmed for many different reasons, which increases the need to retreat.


            ADHD: Attention Disruption or Misalignment?

            Another example is ADHD. ADHD is often characterized by attention disruption (DK: opmærksomhedsforstyrrelse). Again, is this due to having ADHD, or is it because of having to approach tasks in a way that does not align with how you naturally function—for example, working best in short, intense sprints?


            Anyone who is forced to work against their natural style experiences attention disruption. Therefore, my perspective is that attention challenges are not a uniquely ADHD trait, but rather a universal human response, caused by not being allowed to operate in a way that suits one's natural rhythm.


            Final Thoughts

            In one sense, we are all wired in the same way: we all have a body and a brain that constantly attempt to adapt to our surroundings. And in another sense, we each have different spiky profiles, unique to ourselves—nature has no one-size-fits-all. When we do not seem to adapt to our surroundings, we need to look into what function a behavior is trying to serve.


            Since we, as a human species, rely on one another, we become terribly stressed when we are not accepted by others for who we are. What is considered acceptable behavior is constantly changing, and this has put a lot of people under pressure these days—not solely due to being neurodivergent, but as a natural human reaction to adversity from the people around us. In the end, creating trust and a sense of safety is not just a part of a trauma-informed approach—it is the foundation for helping everyone, neurodivergent or not, thrive in an ever-changing world.



            » Barrierer på jobmarkedet

            8 February 2025


            Arbejdsmarkedet i Danmark er præget af strukturelle barrierer og sociale normer, der gør det svært at finde og fastholde job, især for neurodivergente og personer med anderledes behov. Uigennemskuelige rekrutteringsprocesser, manglende inklusion og dårlig håndhævelse af antidiskriminationslove fører til stress, økonomisk usikkerhed og social eksklusion. Der er behov for handling for at sikre trygge arbejdsforhold og retfærdige muligheder for alle.

             

            Arbejdsmarkedet i Danmark er fyldt med strukturelle problemer i rekrutteringsprocessen og sociale normer, der gør det svært at finde og fastholde et job – uanset kvalifikationer. Jeg har søgt job som cand.polit. i mere end 20 år, talt med mange mennesker om deres erfaringer med jobsøgning og arbejdsmarkedet og er stødt på de fleste af de forhindringer, du sikkert også oplever.

             

            Til fremme af almenvellet bør det tilstræbes,

            at enhver arbejdsduelig borger har mulighed for arbejde på vilkår,

            der betrygger hans tilværelse.

             

            Grundloven §75, stk. 1

             

            Grundloven understreger, at det er en samfundsmæssig forpligtelse at sikre, at borgerne har adgang til job, men også at arbejdsforholdene er trygge og understøtter trivsel og livskvalitet.


            Desværre er der mange forhindringer, og nedenfor gennemgår jeg de barrierer, som jobsøgere står overfor. Men først lidt om, hvad en belastningsreaktion er.


            Arbejdsmarkedet skaber dybe belastningsreaktioner

            Belastningsreaktioner opstår, når uforudsigelige krav og manglende kontrol over egen situation skaber vedvarende usikkerhed og afmagt. Når mennesker gang på gang oplever at blive afvist uden forklaring, ikke bliver hørt eller forstået i jobsamtaler, og møder uigennemskuelige ansøgningsprocedurer, kan det føre til en oplevelse af at være fanget i et system uden mulighed for at påvirke udfaldet, hvilket øger risikoen for stressrelaterede traumer.

             

            De samme belastningsreaktioner opstår, når mennesker befinder sig på en arbejdsplads, hvor fysisk og psykologisk tryghed mangler.

             

            Definition på stress og PTSD

            Stress er en belastningsreaktion, som opstår, når der kommunikeres på en måde, hvor de krav der stilles, indeholder modstridende budskaber (inkl. normer og uudtalte forventninger), der ikke kan opfyldes samtidig, samt at budskaberne ændres hyppigt (utydelige intentioner).

             

            Belastningsreaktionen er et udtryk for et psyko-socialt pres, der fører til et (fysisk) hypotont kollaps i nervesystemet og et følelsesmæssigt og mentalt meningssammenbrud (2. og 3. grads stress).


            Befinder et individ sig i miljøer, hvor det konstant er udsat for stress, frygt eller magtesløshed, og hvor der ikke er mulighed for at undslippe, kan kompleks PTSD opstå (hvor kroppens stressrespons er kronisk aktiveret og ikke kan slukke igen).


            Ved voldsom stress eller kompleks PTSD oplever et menneske, at kroppens naturlige selvregulering er gået i stykker, hvilket gør det vanskeligt for kroppen at vende tilbage til en tilstand af ro. Fysisk slår hjertet hurtigere og hårdere, man hyperventilerer, musklerne spændes – for eksempel omkring øjnene, men også i nakke og kæbe – pupillerne udvider sig, og man kan begynde at ryste og svede, ofte med en stærk lugt til følge.


            Det betyder, at personen har problemer med fysiske smerter, sover dårligt, bliver sansemæssigt overfølsom og har vanskeligt ved at koncentrere sig – de føler sig hyperårvågne. De oplever en følelse af at være frakoblet fra sig selv og omgivelserne og oplever, at deres følelser lever deres eget liv – irritabilitet, vrede, magtesløshed, forvirring og panikanfald opstår pludseligt og uden kontrol. De reagerer på selv små triggere og forsøger at overtilpasse sig for at undgå konflikter. Dette skaber en følelse af skam og af at være mindre værd. De oplever, at de ikke helt kan stole på sig selv og andre, har svært ved at indgå i relationer og trækker sig fra sociale sammenhænge.


            Mange har svært ved at forstå det, så tænk over det på denne måde: Hvis du har fået en seneskade i albuen, fordi du vedvarende har overbelastet din arm, tager det lang tid for albuen at blive rask – under stress bliver menneskets nervesystem hårdt ramt, hvilket gør det endnu mere sårbart, da det regulerer hele kroppen.


            UDFORDRINGER MED AT FINDE JOBBET

            7-8 ud af 10 job bliver aldrig slået op

            De fleste stillinger bliver besat via netværk eller interne rekrutteringer, hvilket betyder, at mange potentielle kandidater aldrig får kendskab til disse jobmuligheder. Når du ikke har adgang til de rigtige netværk, bliver det umuligt at komme i betragtning.


            Bliver du ansat via netværk, lægges der større vægt på dine kompetencer, mens der ved ansættelse gennem formelle ansøgningskanaler lægges større vægt på din uddannelsesmæssige baggrund.

             

            Stillingsopslag er generisk skrevet

            Mange jobopslag er så vagt formuleret, at det er svært at gennemskue, hvad jobbet rent faktisk indebærer. Som ansøger bruger du tid og energi på at afkode uklare beskrivelser og forsøge at matche dine kompetencer med ukonkrete krav.

             

            Branchernes forskellige sprog

            Hver branche har sit eget fagsprog, selv når det drejer sig om de samme kompetencer. For eksempel kan ordet data i staten referere til statistisk analyse og rapportering baseret på officielle registre, mens det i mediebranchen ofte handler om brugeradfærd, klikrater og målgruppeanalyser. Dette gør, at du konstant skal oversætte dine erfaringer og kvalifikationer for at passe ind i forskellige branchens specifikke terminologi, hvilket gør ansøgningsprocessen kompliceret og tidskrævende – særligt i et lille land som Danmark, hvor hver branche er relativt lille.

             

            3-4 ud af 10 job formidles via eksterne konsulenter

            Mange virksomheder outsourcer rekrutteringen til konsulenter, som ofte har begrænset indsigt i virksomheden og den konkrete stilling. Konsulenterne er svære at få kontakt med, og selv hvis du når igennem, vil deres manglende kendskab til virksomhedens kultur og behov forhindre, at du præsenterer dig korrekt.

             

            Tidskrævende research

            Det er tidskrævende at finde job, der aldrig bliver slået op. Selv for de job, der annonceres, kræver det betydelig tid at skrive en målrettet ansøgning. Det kan tage flere uger at afkode, hvad en jobtitel faktisk indebærer. Jobbeskrivelserne er uklare, og du skal kontakte virksomheden for yderligere information, læse virksomhedens hjemmeside og investere tid i at forstå deres behov, før du kan tilpasse din ansøgning – med stor risiko for, at du ikke rammer den kulturelle tone, selvom du opfylder de faglige kvalifikationer.

             

            Manglende adgang til uopfordrede ansøgninger

            Virksomheder gør det svært at sende uopfordrede ansøgninger. Der er ingen tydelig vejledning på deres hjemmesider, hvilket begrænser dine muligheder for at komme i betragtning til relevante stillinger. Selv når uopfordrede ansøgninger modtages, bliver de sjældent gennemgået, når virksomheden leder efter nye kandidater.

             

            Ansøgningen er ikke nok

            Du skal ikke blot skrive en ansøgning – du skal også vedhæfte et kort CV, en motiveret ansøgning for, hvorfor du søger netop dette job, og lave en lille film, hvor du præsenterer dig selv. Dette øger kompleksiteten i ansøgningsprocessen og stiller krav til dine tekniske færdigheder og præsentationsevner, ud over dine faglige kvalifikationer.

             

            Online ansøgningssystemer med algoritme bias

            Digitale rekrutteringssystemer anvender algoritmer, der automatisk frasorterer kandidater, hvis ikke deres kvalifikationer matcher præcist. Du kan blive sorteret fra, hvis du mestrer Python, men ikke R, eller hvis du kender til Lean, men ikke agile metoder – selvom disse kompetencer er let overførbare.

             

            Manglende respons fra kontaktpersoner

            Kontaktpersoner i jobopslaget svarer sjældent tilbage, hvilket gør det svært at få information om jobbet eller afklare relevante spørgsmål og begrænser dine muligheder for at målrette ansøgningen præcist.

             

            Statslige stillinger kræver specifik erfaring

            I staten er det umuligt at komme til samtale uden erfaring fra lignende offentlige stillinger – noget jeg har fået bekræftet i interviews med ministerier. Dette skaber en lukket kreds, hvor nye kandidater har svært ved at få foden indenfor.


            Offentlige stillinger skal slås op, og det er ikke ualmindeligt, at der allerede er en bestemt person i tankerne til stillingen. Jeg har én gang prøvet at søge en intern stilling, hvor jeg under samtalen oplevede at blive skældt så meget ud, at jeg bagefter løb ned til en kollega og spurgte, hvem stillingen egentlig var tiltænkt – noget, jeg indtil da ikke havde overvejet.


            Unge uden praktikplads

            Mange unge – og mennesker med en lang karriere bag sig – der tager en erhvervsuddannelse som fx tømrer har svært ved at finde en praktikplads. De skal møde fysisk op på en arbejdsplads og spørge, om der er en ledig plads, og bliver ofte bedt om at komme igen en anden dag.

             

            95% af ansøgninger bliver aldrig besvaret

            Langt de fleste ansøgninger får aldrig noget svar. Det er dybt demotiverende og nedslidende for ansøgere, der bruger tid og energi på at tilpasse og målrette deres ansøgninger.

             

            DEN SVÆRE JOBSAMTALE

            Kulturtilpasning vægtes højere end faglighed

            Jobsamtaler fokuserer mere på, om du passer ind i virksomhedens kultur – fx om du kan “blive en del af teamet” – end på dine faglige kvalifikationer. Når det faglige endelig kommer på banen, overkompliceres det ofte med krav om specifik erfaring med bestemte IT-systemer eller metoder, i stedet for at anerkende, at de fleste specifikke færdigheder kan tillæres i jobbet.

             

            Omfattende tests og prøver

            Mange arbejdsgivere kræver, at kandidater gennemgår flere tests. Det kan inkludere IQ-tests, personlighedstests, færdighedstests og endda præsentationer. For neurodivergente personer kan disse tests være stressende og ikke nødvendigvis afspejle deres reelle kompetencer.

             

            Krav om referencer fra de seneste 2 år

            Der stilles ofte krav om 2-3 referencer, herunder en chef fra de seneste to år. Det føles utroligt sårbart at bede et andet menneske om at sige noget positivt om dig – især når det er kollegaer, ikke venner, og jeres eneste fællesskab er, at I har arbejdet sammen. Dertil kan det være en udfordring, hvis du fx har haft en karrierepause, været selvstændig eller haft dårlige oplevelser med tidligere arbejdsgivere.

             

            Manglende feedback efter samtaler

            7 ud af 10 kandidater får aldrig besked på, om de er gået videre til en anden samtale. Ghosting er stærkt stigende, og efterlader ansøgere i en nedslående uvished.

             

            Upersonlige afslag via SMS

            Afslag gives ofte via upersonlige beskeder, hvilket forstærker følelsen af at være uværdig som menneske.

             

            Langtrukne ansættelsesprocedurer

            Afslag kommer ofte flere måneder efter samtalen med en kort besked om, at ansættelsesprocessen er afsluttet – uden yderligere forklaring.

             

            REKRUTTERING FOR "FIT", IKKE FOR "ADD"

            I rekruttering for "fit" fokuserer virksomheden på, at en kandidat passer ind i virksomhedens kultur, normer og sociale dynamikker. Der lægges stor vægt på, at en person kan tilpasse sig det nuværende arbejdsmiljø, hvor homogene arbejdsmetoder prioriteres – hvilket er den overvejende kultur i Danmark. Dette betyder også, at neurodivergente og mennesker med andre funktionsbehov bliver ekskluderet.


            I rekruttering for "add" lægger virksomheden vægt på kandidater, der kan bringe nye perspektiver, kompetencer og erfaringer ind. Der fokuseres på kandidater, der har en anderledes tilgang til problemløsning, og hvor forskellige baggrunde og synspunkter betragtes som en styrke, der fremmer innovation og virksomhedens konkurrenceevne. Få virksomheder i Danmark ansætter efter denne tilgang, og de kan være svære at komme ind i, da de modtager mange uopfordrede ansøgninger.


            Neurodivergente står uden for arbejdsmarkedet

            7 ud af 10 personer som er autister står uden job, hvilket svarer til en beskæftigelsesrate på 20-30% i mange vestlige lande, herunder Danmark. Mange arbejdsgivere fokuserer på kulturelt fit frem for diversitet i arbejdsmetoder og perspektiver, hvilket udelukker dem, der tænker eller arbejder anderledes.


            Mennesker med anden etnicitet, alder og kvinder bliver frasorteret

            Mange grupper af mennesker bliver systematisk frasorteret i rekrutteringsprocessen. Kvinder har ofte svært ved at få bestyrelsesposter, mennesker med anden etnisk baggrund har begrænset adgang til fagligt relevante stillinger, og personer over 50 år bliver hyppigt sorteret fra i jobsøgningsbunken.

             

            Arbejdsgiver har ingen forpligtelse til aktiv inklusion

            Arbejdsgivere er kun juridisk forpligtet til at foretage rimelige fysiske tilpasninger, som fx at justere arbejdsstationer. Der er ingen krav om at skabe miljøer, der aktivt inkluderer personer med anderledes behov eller anden måder at arbejde på.

             

            Arbejdstagerens oplysningspligt

            Arbejdstagere er juridisk forpligtet til at oplyse om behov, der kræver mere end rimelige fysiske tilpasninger, som det står formuleret i lovgivningen. Dette fører til stigmatisering og skaber diskrimination i rekrutteringsprocessen, især for neurodivergente individer samt mennesker i fleksjob eller skånejob.

             

            ARBEJDSMILJØET NÅR DU ER ANSAT

            Forventning om ensartede arbejdsmetoder

            Der er en udbredt forventning om, at alle løser opgaver på samme måde. Dette ekskluderer dem, der tænker anderledes eller har alternative tilgange til problemløsning, hvilket især rammer neurodivergente mennesker. Der er ofte begrænset plads til kreativitet eller forskellige arbejdsstile, hvilket hæmmer både trivsel og innovation.

             

            Manglende fleksibilitet i fysiske rammer

            Mange arbejdspladser tilbyder ikke fleksible muligheder for at tilpasse det fysiske arbejdsmiljø til personer med sensoriske udfordringer. Kraftig belysning, konstant baggrundsstøj eller åbne kontorlandskaber kan være overvældende og påvirke trivslen. Der mangler ofte hensyn til individuelle behov som rolige arbejdsområder eller mulighed for støjreducerende hjælpemidler.

             

            Underbeskæftigelse og lavere løn

            Mange neurodivergente eller individer med fysiske forskelligheder arbejder i stillinger, der ikke matcher deres kvalifikationer, og de bliver ofte dårligere betalt end kollegaer i lignende stillinger. Dette fører til manglende anerkendelse, manglende trivsel og begrænset karriereudvikling.

             

            Rigid arbejdsstruktur

            Rigide arbejdstider, manglende mulighed for hjemmearbejde og fravær af fleksible pauser skaber et utrygt arbejdsmiljø. Denne mangel på fleksibilitet gør det svært at balancere arbejde med personlige behov, hvilket føre til udbrændthed – især blandt neurodivergente og mennesker med fysiske forskelligheder, der har behov for alternative arbejdsrutiner.

             

            Mobning og social eksklusion

            95% af autistiske individer har oplevet mobning på arbejdspladsen. Mobning kan tage form af direkte chikane, men også mere subtile former som social isolation, udelukkelse fra vigtige beslutningsprocesser eller systematisk nedvurdering af ens kompetencer. Dette skaber et giftigt arbejdsmiljø, der ikke kun forringer trivsel, men også fører til øget stress og i værste fald langvarige sygemeldinger eller udstødelse fra arbejdsmarkedet.


            Psykologisk usikkerhed

            De psykologiske rammer på arbejdspladsen er ofte præget af usikkerhed, hvor der ikke er plads til at udtrykke sårbarhed eller behov for sparring og støtte uden risiko for at blive vurderet som inkompetent. Der er mangel på åbne dialoger om mental sundhed, hvilket fører til stress og isolation blandt medarbejderne.

             

            Stress som folkesygdom

            35.000 personer sygemeldes hvert år med stress i Danmark. Knap 83.000 personer modtog i 2024 erstatning fra deres pensionsselskab for tabt arbejdsevne, og knap halvdelen af disse skyldtes stress. Mange af disse tilfælde kunne forhindres med bedre arbejdsvilkår, øget fleksibilitet og en mere inkluderende kultur, der tager højde for individuelle forskelle i arbejdsmetoder og behov.

             

            Problemet med, at det ikke bliver håndteret, er, at mange ikke vender tilbage til fuldtidsarbejde og i stedet ender i fleksjob eller på førtidspension – hvilket sænker deres trivsel på grund af økonomiske begrænsninger.

             

            MANGLENDE HÅNDHÆVELSE AF ANTI-DISKRIMINATIONSLOVE

            Selvom der findes love, der skal beskytte mod diskrimination, bliver de ikke håndhævet. Mange mennesker oplever derfor fortsat uretfærdig behandling uden reelle muligheder for at få deres sag hørt eller løst. Der mangler arbejdsprocesser, der sikrer, at klagemuligheder bliver gennemført effektivt, og som kan garantere retfærdighed og beskyttelse mod diskriminerende praksis.

             

            De lange skridt mod ligestilling og inklusion er vigtigere end noglesinde

            Hvis du synes, jeg lyder hård i min vurdering, så tænk over disse tre begivenheder.

             

            Grundloven blev indført i 1849, kvinder blev først stemt ind i Folketinget i 1917, og i 2025 har der stadig aldrig været et flertal af kvinder i Folketinget – knap 180 år efter grundlovens indførelse.

             

            MeToo-bevægelsen fik først for alvor sit gennembrud i Danmark med Sofie Lindes tale ved Zulu Comedy Galla i 2020, tre år efter bevægelsen tog fart globalt. Mange kvinder i musikbranchen turde stadig ikke, fire år senere i 2024, stå frem og fortælle, at de følte sig forulempet, som dokumenteret i en DR-dokumentar. På trods af dette viser den seneste skandale i advokatfirmaet Plesner i 2025, at vi som samfund stadig ikke har rykket os.

             

            Det første folketingsmedlem, der sad i kørestol, blev valgt ind i 2019 – først da blev Folketinget nødt til at ombygge adgangen til talerstolen, 170 år efter grundlovens indførelse.

             

            Vi har i Danmark en konservativ tilgang til forandringer, der kan spores tilbage til bondesamfundets og herregårdskulturens fokus på tradition, stabilitet og skepsis over for forandring. Denne kultur har skabt en samfundsforståelse, hvor "det er bedst ikke at stikke ud", hvilket gør det vanskeligt at bryde med eksisterende magtstrukturer og normer.

             

            Indkomsterne er stærkt på vej ned, ikke kun rundt omkring i verden, men også i Danmark – både for dem på offentlige overførsler og for dem på arbejdsmarkedet i usikre ansættelser. Derfor har vi brug for at stoppe med at snakke og i stedet begynde at handle for at få folk i job og beholde dem i job.


            Årsagen: Dagpenge ligger på omkring 14.000 kr. efter skat. Modtager du ressourceydelse, fordi du har været sygemeldt i mere end 22 uger, ligger denne for personer over 30 år på omkring 8.200 kr. efter skat – det samme som kontanthjælp. Til sammenligning ligger en typisk husleje i København på omkring 13.000 kr. for en almindelig lejlighed.


            Under corona tog det én måned for virksomhederne at implementere click-and-collect. Med samme tilgang bør det ikke tage virksomhederne mere end ét år at sikre inklusion for alle.


            POSTSCRIPT: OM DET EUROPÆISKE OG GLOBALE ARBEJDSMARKED

            Det siges, at der er mangel på arbejdskraft i Danmark – det er ikke sandt. Med fri bevægelighed inden for EU har omkring 220 millioner europæere direkte adgang til det danske arbejdsmarked, og knap 400.000 ud af 3 millioner arbejdspladser er allerede besat af udlændinge. Samtidig ser vi en stigende globalisering, hvor fjernarbejde gør det muligt for yderligere 600 millioner mennesker fra lande som Indien, USA, Kina, Sydamerika og Afrika at konkurrere om danske job – de fremgår ikke af de officielle statistikker, da de arbejder som private erhvervsdrivende. Jeg har selv været igennem processen med at blive ansat af et udenlandsk firma for at udføre arbejde i Danmark. Derudover har vi udenlandske entreprenører, der udfører arbejde i Danmark inden for bygge- og anlægsbranchen. Denne udvikling udfordrer opfattelsen af, at der er mangel på arbejdskraft, og stiller nye krav til både arbejdsgivere og arbejdstagere i Danmark.


            Den, der ikke selv kan ernære sig eller sine,

            og hvis forsørgelse ikke påhviler nogen anden,

            er berettiget til hjælp af det offentlige,

            dog mod at underkaste sig de forpligtelser,

            som loven herom påbyder.


            Grundloven §75, stk. 2



            » Belonging:

            The Joy of Deepening Connection

            28 December 2024


            I’m about to share my most vulnerable reflections yet—about belonging, love, and the raw emotions that connect us all. Admitting how much I cherish the feeling of belonging fills me with a twinge of shame. I also feel shameful for writing about why I find both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships difficult. I think that most of us struggle, no matter what relationship type, because we find it so hard to feel vulnerable around others. We live in a culture that convinces us we are never enough and thereby misses to point: vulnerability is essential for connection, and connection is essential belonging.

             

            The very first time I heard Brené Brown, the famous researcher on shame and vulnerability, speak in her TED Talk, I Just loved her. She spoke about being a Texan with the family motto “Lock and Load”. She admitted, “You know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability… I’m going to totally deconstruct shame, I’m going to understand how vulnerability works, and I’m going to outsmart it”. That was me 12 years ago!

             

            To love is to be vulnerable … And there is an increasing number of people in the world today

            that is not willing to take that risk.

            They will never know love, then to know hurt or grief, and that is a huge price to pay.

            Belonging—we are wired for love; we are hardwired for belonging; it’s in our DNA.

             

             Brené Brown, Researcher on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy

             

            Fast forward to the conclusion: love is what makes life worth living. I never thought I would say such (true) fucking bullshit.

             

            Belonging is the most difficult feeling to grasp, despite the fact that our survival as a human species and our ability to thrive depend on our sense of connection to people and our community.

             

            We live with so many taboos, and we need to drop the bullshit because it only disconnects us from ourselves and each other. If I were a comedian, I would have wrapped this message with humor and lightness, but I’m not. So, brash honesty will have to do.

             

            We need to belong to ourselves so we can feel belonging with others. To do that, we need to belong to our community—our parents, siblings, children, friends, colleagues, and partners in crime. We need to feel we belong to a family, whether by blood or by choice, that sees us for who we truly are and let us see them for who they truly are.

             

            To feel true belonging with others, we must be able to feel vulnerable and to connect.

             

            VULNERABILITY

            Vulnerability is about opening yourselves up and show your true self. It’s about having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.


            Vulnerability is the emotion that we experience during times

            of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

            Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.


            Brené Brown

             

            Vulnerability is the foundation of both connection and belonging. It takes courage to show up as your authentic self, but only through this risk can we create meaningful connections. Without it, we build emotional walls that blocks the deep, meaningful connections we crave.

             

            Vulnerability is the core center of hard emotions: fear, grief, scarcity, and shame. The foundation of vulnerability is shame. Brené Brown describes shame as: “the feeling you would experience if you walked out of a room with people who know you, and they started saying such hurtful things about you that you don’t know that you can ever face them again”. Shame is the fear of disconnection—that gnawing question: Is there something about me, if others knew or saw it, would make me unworthy of connection?

             

            We live in a vulnerable world, one where we are raised to believe that we are not enough. As a consequence, we are scared of seeing vulnerability in other people, and as a result, we try to protect ourselves by numbing our emotions. We armor up to stay protected.

             

            No one wants to talk about shame, yet the less you talk about it, the more you have it. And you have two options when it comes to vulnerability: you do vulnerability, knowingly, or vulnerability does you.

             

            You see, the problem with the amor is that you can’t selectively numb your emotions—when you numb the painful ones, you also numb joy, gratitude, happiness, and love.

             

            CONNECTION

            Connection happens when vulnerability is reciprocated and understood. When two people engage in open, empathetic, and meaningful interactions, they form a bond. Connection is about feeling seen and valued, and it grows out of mutual vulnerability. Meaningful bonds are form when vulnerability is met with empathy and understanding. In turn, connection fosters a profound sense of belonging.


            Connection is the energy that exits between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued:

            when they can give and receive without judgment;

            and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.


            Brené Brown

             

            Yet, because we live in a vulnerable world, we pretend that our actions and emotions don’t affect others. But that is the surest path to disconnection. In the absent of connection, love and belonging there is always suffering.

             

            People who live wholehearted have a deep sense of worthiness. They possess the courage to be imperfect and the compassion to be kind to themselves and others. As a result, they are authentic and willing to let go of who they think they should be in order to be who they truly are. This willingness is essential for forming connections. They believe that what made them vulnerable is what makes them beautiful. They don’t talk about vulnerability as comfortable—they simply acknowledge it as necessary.

             

            Rabbit trailStonewalling at work

            While vulnerability fosters connection, its absence can lead to behaviors like stonewalling—both in personal and professional settings. Stonewalling, a stark manifestation of disconnection, has been a recurring challenge in my professional life. These experiences remind me that true belonging is not just about being seen—it’s about genuinely being valued and included for who you are.

             

            Danish culture is blunt, shaped by the belief that we live in a small, egalitarian society where everyone is alike. While this fosters a sense of shared identity, it also creates an aversion to difference. People who deviate from the norm are often met with avoidance or exclusion, a phenomenon I’ve frequently encountered in the form of stonewalling.

             

            I’ve experienced stonewalling many times throughout my professional life. I’ve had meeting invitations ignored, leaving me waiting for people who never showed up. My questions were deflected, and others have outright refused to talk about mistakes. I’ve been being excluded from crusial information, avoided through lack of eye contact, and even witnessed physical withdrawal as others disengaged entirely.

             

            Studies shows that when adults encounter someone who is emotionally non-reactive, it makes them feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, or even anxious.

             

            We are naturally wired for empathy and social connection. Mirror neurons in the brain help us respond to others' emotions by “mirroring” them internally. This is a fundamental part of how we relate to one another.

             

            What people don’t know is that when we try to hide our emotions, we activate the dorsal vagal system of our nervous system, suppressing our facial expressions to appear as still as possible. This signals that we have stopped being curious of the other person because we’ve disengaged from our social nervous system.

             

            I sense it every single time, and it always freaks me out—sometimes to the point of panic. Coping feels impossible because cultural norms restrict what I’m socially “allowed” to say and do in these situations. I have been raised to believe that I should not take things personally. So, if I address it directly, I risk being seen as rude, especially since the other person often thinks they’ve hidden their response well. I have never been in a workplace where there has been psychological safety to address disagreements and to repair connections—It’s a profound cultural problem in Denmark.

             

            BELONGING

            A sense of belonging emerges when those connections affirm your worth and authenticity. Belonging to yourself—achieved through self-acceptance—must come first, as it allows you to be vulnerable with others. True belonging arises when connection is both authentic and consistent. It requires mutual acceptance and the courage uphold your values while allowing yourself to be truly seen by others. Belonging happens when you feel connected, not because you’ve conformed, but because you’ve been accepted for who you truly are.


            True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply

            that you can share your most authentic self with the world

            and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.

            True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.


            Brené Brown

             

            We are hardwired to belong, it’s in our DNA. Feeling that we belong gives purpose and meaning to our life.

             

            Vulnerability is emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty—it is your most accurate measure of courage. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means letting yourself be seen and being honest. Vulnerability, you see, is also the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.

             

            Connection happens when vulnerability is reciprocated and understood. When we are brave enough to be vulnerable, we connect on a deeper level. It’s in that connection that we find belonging—both to ourselves and to the world.

             

            You see, it all boils down to this: love is what makes life worth living.

             

            Rabbit trailDown Childhood Lane of Belonging

            I’m reminded of my own experiences as a child, navigating feelings of connection and disconnection. Reflecting on my childhood, I see how these formative moments taught me the value of community.

             

            As a child, I felt disconnected from the world. Being neurodivergent, my nervous system was constantly overwhelmed—both sensorially and emotionally. Yet, at the same time, I felt connected to my community, which gave me a sense of belonging and that made me feel well-liked. I could spend hours wandering around, going places, talking to people, and feeling welcomed wherever I went.

             

            I remember one of the places where I lived had unusually tall basements—so tall that the windows were just as high as me. In some of the basements, small communities would gather around share interests, like sewing or woodworking. If people were there, I’d go down and talk to them. They were always friendly and eager to share what they were working on with me.

             

            I don’t know if the 1980s were still shaped by the post-war spirit of World War II—a time when people sought out community, gathering together to roast marshmallows around a fire—or it was simply that the market-driven individualization we know today hadn’t yet convinced us that we should be “enough” on our own. It feels like modern narrative and fairy tales have left us struggling between two ideals: finding belonging within ourselves or conforming to fit in and finding belonging within our community.

             

            For many years, I believed that belonging to myself was enough. I didn’t realize what I was missing. I had never truly been alone—I was always part of a community: family, partners, friends, schoolmates, coworkers, or people I met through shared interests. But I didn’t notice the deeper truth. I am only capable of truly belonging to myself when I am part of a community that sees me, and where I can see them in return.

             

            My early experiences taught me that belonging is not just about self-sufficiency but about being part of a community that sees and accepts you.

             

            Rabbit trail—My Identity and Connection to a Community as an Adult

            My childhood experiences gave me a foundation for understanding belonging, but as I grew older, I realized that belonging isn’t static—it evolves as our identities do. For me, finding belonging as an adult meant navigating my neurodivergence and queer identity in a world that often felt alien to me.

             

            Although I’ve always had a sense of who I was, I’ve never felt I had a clear identity throughout my life. I don’t understand the concept of man and women, nor heterosexuality or homosexuality. I don’t understand the heteronormative world, and so I’ve lived in opposition to society. But living in opposition does not create an identity that I can feel connected to, and with that disconnection comes shame of not being enough.

             

            Over the past six months, I’ve been talking with many different people who share one thing in common: they are neurodivergent queers who don’t see themselves reflected in a heteronormative setting. And for the first time, I’ve started to see myself in my own right—not just as in opposition to society. I see people like me, though expressed in countless colors of gender, sexuality, sexual practices, and relationships.

             

            I feel like a Rubric’s Cube—after years restless tossing and turning, my sides are finally started to align, revealing a clearer picture of who I am. I am no longer choosing to be myself in opposition to others but simply embracing myself, with my unique shapes and colors.

             

            One thing I’ve struggled with about myself is that I smile—a lot. I’ve often felt out of place because of this. I don’t like the stereotype of lesbians who don’t smile. This connects to something called the “still face problem”. If you’ve heard of it, it’s based on an experiment from the 1970s designed to observe how infants respond to social interactions when caregivers suddenly stop showing emotional engagement. The results were clear: When the caregiver shows no facial expression, it instills fear in the child. Children need healthy emotional and social connections to thrive. Recent studies show that, from as early as four month old, infants are highly attuned to facial expressions, and a lack facial expression makes it harder for them to navigate the world.

             

            In the lesbian world, however, a non-smiling face signals seriousness and control. As a top, I’ve felt and expectation to embody that stereotype—to be the dominatrix who takes pleasure in humiliating and inflicting pain. But that’s not me.

             

            I am a top, but those expectations clash with my internal state. I love to smile and laugh. And yes, I do enjoy inflicting pain and making you feel exposed—but in a caring, consensual way. I do it because I love seeing someone smiling.

             

            Finding a community allowed me to truly find myself. It taught me that we are nothing without each other.

             

            MONOGOMOS AND NON-MONOGOMOS RELATIONSHIPS

            I am going to be bluntly honest in the chapter, and you are not going to like it—because my intention is to provoke you.

             

            I’ve spoken to many people about the topic of open relationships, including non-monogamy, polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy. One friend, in particular, was especially helpful to talk to because I could explore both my fear and curiosity without being judged. This gave me the opportunity to investigate why certain aspect of non-monogamous relationships worried me.

             

            About 15 years ago, I investigated the poly, swinger and tantra communities to see if there were alternative ways of being in a relationship. My conclusion at the time was that most people I encountered were self-centered, with an egocentric focus on their own needs and little empathy or compassion for the people they were involved with.

             

            However, one person stood out. They looked like, sounded like, and acted like they genuinely cared for the people in their life. They were conscious of how their behavior impacted others. They had a down-to-earth way to talk about their relationships with empathy. Today, I would say that they seemed to belong to themselves, had clear boundaries, and strong communication skills, which enabled them to include more than one person in their life in a healthy way.

             

            To be clear, I don’t see monogamous people act much differently, just so you know. They simply tell themselves—and others—a different story. As Esther Perel puts it, the real question isn’t whether a relationship is monogamous or non-monogamous, but rather choosing the kind of relationship you want to live in. After all, infidelity happens in both types of relationships. Perel explains it this way:

             

            You don’t want to leave your partner,

            but you want to leave the person you’ve become.

            And it is not because you’re looking for another person;

            you are looking for another self

            or reconnect with parts of yourself that have gone dormant for decades.

                                                                                                                                                                                         

            Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

             

            My thoughts on relationships—monogamous or non-monogamous—are far from settled. The answer is deeply personal and nuanced, shaped by my experiences and evolving understanding of vulnerability, connection, and belonging. My friend described this process as walking a path where you are leaving the old “stuff” from you backpack on the side of the road while at the same time picking up new things. Eventually, you find your way to a life surrounded by people who truly care about you—and who you truly care about in return.

             

            Rabbit trail—Am I Monogamous or Non-Monogamous?

            My thoughts on monogamy and non-monogamy are not simple. They’re shaped by my experiences, fears, and my evolving understanding of what it means to connect deeply with others. The answer, for me, isn’t binary—it depends on the people, the relationships, and the willingness to be vulnerable.

             

            I’ve noticed that people I feel a deep connection and respect for—those with clear boundaries and strong communication skills—are the ones I could see myself being in a relationship with, whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous.

             

            I’ve also noticed something else, and admitting this feels so shameful in today’s modern society, were we are told we should all be “enough” in our own. My hesitation about entering a non-monogamous relationships come from a simple yet profound question: Do I trust that you’ll feed my cat when I’m traveling or visit me on the hospital If I’m sick? As Esther Perel would put it, this is the foundation of a secure bond.

             

            I don’t think most non-monogamous people would do this. The irony of me writing this is that I don’t think it has much to do with being monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. It’s about whether someone has the extraordinary interpersonal skills to include more than one person in their life while still providing the care and love that every person deserves—whether as a partner, a lover, a fling, a friend, or something entirely different.

             

            People in non-monogamous relationships forgets—or choose to overlook—the challenges. Balancing multiple connections is inherently difficult, requiring significant time, energy, and emotional resources—something often overlooked in non-monogamous relationships. And as I’ve written before, people are scared of seeing vulnerability in others. If you already live with a partner and children, you’re not going to move in with another partner. This creates an asymmetrical relationship, where the responsibilities and commitments are not equal. And with that point, you must ask: are you truly in a non-monogamous relationship, or are you simply having occasional lovers? Adding “ethical” in front of “non-monogamous” doesn’t automatically resolve these issues.

             

            So, when I say “it depends”, It’s because I know I could be in either type of relationship. When I like someone, I really like them. But I would also have doubts. Would that person dare to truly see me and let me show them my vulnerabilities alongside my strengths? Would that person have the courage to show me theirs in return?

             

            And this applies equally to monogamous and non-monogamous relationships—because at the end of the day, the need to belong is a profoundly human feeling.

             

            Communication

            It is so difficult to communicate, but vulnerability is the path back to each other. And to be honest, many of us were never taught how to have heartfelt, honest conversation where we can sit with our emotions without feeling the need to fiercely defend ourselves or surrender. Few of us know how to navigate talks or disagreements in a way that allows us to come back to each other without assigning blame or deciding who’s right or wrong; where there is space to feel shame.

             

            But the good news is, we can learn.

             

            Belonging starts with belonging to yourself first. It means speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for the sake of other people. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are, and that’s vulnerable.

             

            The people who belong—who can break things apart and put them back together even stronger—are those who embrace honesty, authenticity, and the courage to keeping the conversation—and connection—alive. They are the ones I know I can share my life with.

             

            Looking back, I realize love truly is what makes life worth living. I never thought I’d believe—or even say—something that feels both so cliché and so undeniably true—a reminder to embrace vulnerability, connection, and belonging with courage.



            » Sanserne: Vejen til Belonging
            7 November 2024


            Sanserne er vejen til både følelser og tanker. Sanserne – samt hvordan kroppen og hjernen bearbejder dem – udgør grundstenen i neurodivergens. Vi har otte sanser og hele 150 typer af synæstesi. Jeg vil udforske, hvordan dette påvirker vores måde at være i verden på. Jeg vil også kort berøre begrebet "belonging"; sanserne er nemlig vejen til at føle os forbundet med verden og give os en dyb følelse af samhørighed.


            Du kender sikkert udtrykket "Cogito, ergo sum" – jeg tænker, derfor er jeg. Men det burde hedde "Sentio, ergo sum" – jeg sanser, derfor er jeg. Uden input fra sanserne kan vi slet ikke tænke. Hjernens funktion er først og fremmest at bearbejde sanseindtryk og skabe et sammenhængende billede af verden, så vi kan reagere hensigtsmæssigt på vores omgivelser og overleve.

             

            Hjernen har ikke én fast strategi til skabe et sammenhængende billede af verden. Der findes ingen universel manual. Allerede fra vi ligger i vores mors mave, begynder hjernen at lære, hvilke informationskilder der er vigtige, og hvilke der skal sorteres fra. Både arv og miljø spiller en rolle og bidrager til, hvordan vi hver især ender med at opfatte og løse problemer.

             

            Vi har otte sanser: fem ydres sanser – syn, hørelse, lugt, smag og berøring – samt tre indre sanser: balance, muskel-/ledsans og den interoceptive sans. Sammen giver de os en helhedsforståelse af kroppen og omgivelserne. Hjernen kombinerer konstant informationer fra alle sanserne og skaber en rig og kompleks forståelse af verden – vi har en multimodal sanseoplevelse af verden.

             

            For nogle mennesker kan stimulering af én sans eller tanke føre til en oplevelse i en anden sans – dette kaldes synæstesi. Det betyder, at sanser, vi normalt opfatter som adskilte, opleves som sammenkoblede. Den mest almindelige type er måske, hvor tal kobles til farver, som når vi for eksempel ser tallet tre som farven gul. Jeg tror dog, at fænomenet er langt mere udbredt, end forskerne forestiller sig, men fordi vi sjældent taler om det, går det ubemærket hen. Nogle anslår, at der findes op til 150 forskellige typer sansesammenkoblinger.

             

            Hele mit liv har mine sanser været en udfordring for mig – både isoleret og sammenkoblet. Jeg er begyndt at lære, at jeg kan være både over- og underfølsom samtidig, og at jeg oplever flere typer synæstesi. Før i tiden vidste jeg ikke, at min måde at sanse verden på var anderledes – jeg sanser alt – og det gjorde det svært for mig at navigere i en verden på en måde, der fungerede for mig.

             

            Rabbit trail—Flyskræk

            Jeg har altid haft flyskræk og blev meget syg ved flyrejser. Mit nervesystem rystede i op til et døgn efter, jeg ankom til min destination. Samtidig forvirrede det mig, at noget i mig faktisk kunne lide at flyve.

             

            En lufthavn er et bombardement af sanseindtryk – lugte, larm, farver og konstante forandringer. Lufthavne er designet, hvor vi opfører os som bissende kvæg på vej til slagtning: smalle gange og stressede mennesker overalt. Jeg blev så stresset, at når jeg endelig satte mig i flyet, føltes det, som om kroppen var ved at bryde sammen.

             

            I sommer fløj jeg flere gang og tog min nye viden om mit sansesystem i brug. Jeg brugte earplugs med musik for at ændre lydene omkring mig og solbriller for at reducere lys og farver. Jeg gik langsomt og stoppede op, når jeg havde brug for overblik og informationer. Jeg havde heller ikke travlt med at komme ind og ud af flyet. Derudover brugte jeg solsikkesnoren, som signalerer til andre, at venlighed og tålmodighed er værdsat. Det virkede. Når jeg var i kontakt med folk, oplevede jeg mere dem som mere venlighed og tålmodige.

             

            På min sidste tur til Berlin bemærkede jeg knapt nok, at flyet lettede og landede. Tidligere ville jeg have haft brug for et døgns restitution – denne gang var jeg klar til at tage ud og spise samme aften.

             

            Jeg har ikke flyskræk. Men jeg har været så sansemæssigt overbelastet, at mit nervesystem til sidst reagerede med frygt.

             

            Jeg har netop lært, at den frygt, jeg følte i forbindelse med oplevelsen, kaldes ’dread’ (frygt), som adskiller sig fra ’anxiety’ (angst). Hvor angst handler om en fremtidig ”hvad hvis”, handler frygt om, hvad der faktisk vil ske – nemlig at jeg rent faktisk bliver overstimuleret i lufthavnen.

             

            Fordi jeg nu ved, hvordan jeg oplever verden gennem mine sanser, kan jeg udøve autonomi og tydeligt kommunikere mine behov til andre. Jeg kan give klare instruktioner om, hvad jeg har brug for: enten viden eller handling.

             

            Generelt minder en lufthavn mest af alt om et tivoli med ting, der snurrer rundt, larmer og lugter – alt sammen designet til at underholde. Lufthavne er ikke skabt til mennesker, som bliver sansemæssigt overbelastet. Uanset om vi er neurodivergent eller neurotypisk, oplever de fleste mennesker, jeg taler med, lufthavnen som stressende. Ironisk nok vil Tempel Grandin sandsynligvis anse lufthavne som et virkelig dårligt design til at få kvæg igennem til slagtning.

             

            8 MULTIMODAL SANSER

            Vi har otte sanser: syn, hørelse, lugt, smag, berøringssans, balancesans, muskel-/ledsans og den interoceptive sans. De arbejder hele tiden sammen på at skabe et sammenhængende billede af verden i mange komplekse situationer.

             

            Rabbit trail—Hypo- og hypersensitiv

            Inden jeg fortsætter, vil jeg nævne, at vi både kan være hypo- og hypersensitiv over for sanseindtryk. Ofte taler vi om, at neurodivergente enten er hyposensitive – reagerer svagt eller slet ikke på sansestimulering – eller hypersensitive – reagerer meget stærkt på sansestimulering.

             

            Hypo- eller hypersensitivitet kan påvirke, om vi opsøger sensorisk stimulering (sensory seeking) – som når vi higer efter berøring – eller undgår sensorisk stimulering (sensory avoidant) – hvor vi helt undgår berøring.

             

            Nogle mennesker dissocierer endda fra deres sansemæssige og følelsesmæssige oplevelser og udvikler aleksitymi – en manglende evne til at identificere, beskrive og forstå egne følelser. Dette kan være en overlevelsesstrategi mod overbelastning. Det betyder, at vi får svært ved at mærke os selv, og når vi ikke kan mærke vores egne behov, bliver det svært at kommunikere dem til andre.

             

            Det er en fordom, at autister er meget overfølsom over for for eksempel lyd og ikke bryde sig om berøring. Det er langt mere nuanceret end det. Problemet er, at vi sjældent taler om disse forskelle og derfor antager, at alle sanser verden på samme måde. Men for at forstå, at vi sanser forskelligt, er vi nødt til at have et sprog for, hvordan vi oplever verden gennem sanserne – og det har vi ikke. Det tror jeg, de flest kropsterapeuter kan skrive under på. Mange går derfor igennem livet uden at opdage, at deres sanser består af meget mere end de fem klassiske sanser: syn, hørelse, lugt, smag og berøringssans.

             

            Jeg tænker også, at de udfordringer, autister oplever, også rammer mennesker, der ikke identificerer sig som autister og ADHD’ere. Jeg har talt med mange, som er helt udmattet, når de går hjem fra arbejde om fredagen efter en uge i et åbent kontorlandskab. De er også stærkt påvirket, men forskellen er, at jeg ender med at lægge mig syg fordi, min krop lukker helt ned.

             

            Synssansen

            Synet er vores mest dominerende sans – 65% af hjernens kapacitet bliver brugt på at bearbejde synsindtryk. Jeg har en oplevelse af at se 10.000 ting på én gang, som alle kæmper om at trænge ind igennem mine øjne – som stod mine synsindtryk i kø til en Justin Bieber-koncert. Det kan være ekstremt overvældende, og derfor kan jeg ikke arbejde i åbne kontorlandskaber uden en væg bag mine skærme – mine øjne kan simpelthen ikke finde ro.

             

            Når jeg bliver overbelastet, oplever jeg, at mine øjne "vandrer", som om jeg sad i et tog og så landskabet flyve forbi, eller som om jeg kigger på blinkende lys. Det minder om de fænomener, man ser ved epileptiske anfald. Det gør fysisk ondt, og jeg bliver udmattet.

             

            Høresansen

            Jeg er meget lydsensitiv. Jeg kan høre de elektriske lyde i kablerne i væggene og sover derfor med formstøbte ørepropper – og jeg er ikke den eneste, bare så du ved det.

             

            Jeg oplever verden som meget larmende og har svært ved at følge med i samtaler, når jeg er sammen med mange mennesker, fordi jeg kæmper med at skelne stemmerne fra hinanden og fra den omgivende støj.

             

            Samtidig kan jeg blive euforisk af elektronisk musik med et dybt, melodiøst beat, fordi det giver mig et følelsesmæssigt uplift, som kan opsluge mig helt og give mig en følelse af vægtløshed og samhørighed med universet.

             

            Omvendt kan visse høje toner fremkalde en fysisk følelse af afsky. Jeg er usikker på, om det skyldes lydens volumen (lydtryk) eller selve frekvensen – måske begge dele. Baslyd kan gøre mig fysisk syg, men når volumen er lav eller musikken har et behagelig flow, kan jeg godt lide bassen. Visse høje toner er dog ubehagelige, uanset volumen.

             

            Efter at jeg er begyndt at gå med ørepropper (Loops) hele tiden, er jeg blevet mere udadvendt. Samtidig bliver jeg ikke længere så udmattet, da jeg nu undgår at blive så drænet, at jeg ikke kan lade op igen.

             

            Lugtesansen

            Jeg hader at går tur rundt om søerne om foråret, fordi når det bliver varmere, kan jeg lugte alle hundelortene. Jeg kan generelt ikke lide noget, der lugter skarpt og gennemtrængende – det giver mig en følelse af afsky.

             

            Mange ting lugter generelt – og mennesker lugter. Derudover er jeg intolerant overfor mange ting som parfume, creme, vaskemiddel og imprægneringsmidler, hvilket forstærker effekten af, at noget lugter ubehageligt.

             

            Smagssansen

            Jeg smager det, jeg lugter, og jeg lugter det, jeg smager.

             

            Af samme grund forbinder jeg mennesker med smag og lugt. Lugte og smage knytter mig følelsesmæssigt dybt til mennesker, og jeg elsker smagen og duften af en person, jeg virkelig godt kan lide. Det kan nærmest give mig en følelse af ren glæde, nærmest som om jeg har lyst til at bide i dem.

             

            Omvendt kan jeg næsten føle afsky for en persons lugt, hvis jeg ikke bryder mig om personen.

             

            Berøringssansen / Den taktile sans

            Min taktile sans er lidt af en krigszone. Jeg er både hypersensitiv og hyposensitiv på samme tid og jeg dissocierer også ofte.

             

            Jeg er hypersensitiv og falder til ro, når jeg er tæt på en person, jeg føler mig tryg ved – især hvis jeg kan kramme dem eller sidde op ad dem. Tanken om berøring fra et menneske, jeg holder af, kan gøre mig euforisk. Jeg elsker følelsen af hud mod hud.

             

            Samtidig er jeg hyposensitiv i forhold til smertefølelse, når jeg har sår på huden eller mærker kulde, men kan samtidig være hypersensitiv, når jeg f.eks. bliver stukket med en nål.

             

            Meget af tiden dissocierer jeg dog – jeg trækker mig mentalt væk fra min krop som en måde at være til stede i verden på. Jeg tænker, det er en tillært strategi. Jeg bryder mig ikke om at have tøj på, fordi det strammer og klør, men jeg har lært ikke at lade det påvirke så meget, at jeg ofte ikke opdager, at noget irriterer mig, før jeg kradser i et sår. Samtidig skaber det en følelsesmæssig afstand til verden, som får mig til at føle, at jeg befinder mig i en boble. Det føles ubehageligt og gør mig følelsesmæssig stresset, fordi jeg kan mærke, at jeg kæmper med at skabe plads omkring mig.

             

            Balancesansen / Den vestibulære sans

            Balancesansen arbejder sammen med synet for at sikre en stabil koordination af kroppen i forhold til omgivelserne.

             

            Jeg bliver utrolig nemt køresyg og søsyg, og det har jeg oplevet helt fra barndommen. De voksne var bekymrede over at have mig med i bilen, fordi jeg ofte kastede op. Jeg turde dog sjældent sige noget, selv når de spurgte, fordi jeg godt vidste, at det var forkert.

             

            Jeg kan også blive dårlig af at se ting og mennesker bevæge sig rundt. Jeg bryder mig ikke om at snurre rundt om mig selv eller hoppe på trampolin. For nogle autister har disse aktiviteter en beroligende effekt (soothing), men det gælder ikke for mig – tværtimod bliver jeg dårlig i meget lang tid bagefter.

             

            Kropsbevidsthed / Muskel-led-sansen / Den proprioceptive sans

            Kropsbevidstheden er vores evne til at fornemme kroppens position og bevæge os uden brug af synet. Sansen giver hjernen information om, hvor de forskellige dele af kroppen befinder sig, hvordan de bevæger sig, og hvor meget kraft de bruger i hver bevægelse.

             

            Min kropsbevidsthed er veludviklet, hvilket jeg tror skyldes, at min mor satte mange fysiske krav til mig som barn. Når jeg løfter, trækker eller skubber noget meget tungt, stabiliserer det min krop, og mine muskler og bindevæv slapper af, hvilket gør mig følelsesmæssigt rolig.

             

            Derfor har jeg også dyrket meget motion gennem livet, da det har hjulpet mig med at regulere mine følelser. Det har derfor været en stor udfordring for mig, at mit bindevæv stivnede efter højt stofskifte, da det gjorde det svært for mig at regulere mine følelser. Jeg har brug for at bevæge mig for at brænde mit kronisk forhøjede stressniveau af.

             

            Den indre fornemmelse / Interoception

            Interoception er et emne, jeg kunne skrive en hel artikel om. Den er kernen i at forstå, hvordan vi alle sammen oplever verdenen – og så er det ”the new kid on the block” inden for forskning, især i Storbritannien, hvor der i stigende grad er fokus på området.

             

            Interoception er vores evne til at mærke vores krop og indre verden. Denne sans hjælper os med at registrere signaler som hurtig hjertebanken, en tom mave, en fuld blære, spændte muskler, varm og svedig hud, en dunkende hovedpine eller afslappede øjne. Den giver os vigtige informationer om, hvad vores krop har brug for for at kunne regulere sig selv og er afgørende for vores følelsesliv. Gennem interoception bliver vi bevidste om, hvornår vi er sultne, tørstige, og om vi føler os overvældede, ængstelige, spændte eller trygge.

             

            Følelser opstår i vores krop; de er ikke en kognitiv proces. At føle er en sansemæssig oplevelse, og det er svært at lære andre, hvordan en følelse føles, fordi det er forskelligt for os alle – forskning viser, at der ikke findes ét enkelt "fodaftryk" for en følelse.

             

            Aleksitymi spiller en vigtig rolle i denne sammenhæng. Aleksitymi refererer til vanskeligheder med at identificere og beskrive følelser, hvilket kan skyldes enten en dæmpet eller intens indre oplevelse.

             

            For hypersensitive mennesker er det nødvendigt at tænke over, hvordan de bedst kan imødekomme kroppens behov. Bare fordi de bemærker en fornemmelse, betyder det ikke, at de nødvendigvis forstår, hvad det handler om. Når de oplever mavesmerter, kan de have behov for at tænke over, hvad der er sket de sidste par timer for at finde ud af, om smerten skyldes sult, sygdom, behov for at gå på toilettet, eller angst.

             

            Assuming to understanding someone else’s inner experience is really very derailing …

            When I am assuming, I am at high-risk of being dead wrong. …

            Labeling their experience and assuming that I know what

            is going on only complicates their own personal experience.

             

            – Dr. Kelly Mahler, Occupational therapist

             

            Jeg har en meget stærk interoception. Jeg kan mærke alt i min krop – fra mit hjerteslag til mine knogler, mave, muskler og bindevæv. Min krop optager altid en stor del af mit bevidste nærvær.

             

            Af samme grund bryder jeg mig ikke om at have mad i maven. Det føles overvældende, som om det fylder for meget, gør mig fysisk træt og kræver mentale kræfter at fordøje.

             

            Mine følelser er også meget nærværende og samtidig utrolig fraværende. Jeg reagerer langt fra altid på mine følelser, selvom jeg kropsligt sanser, at noget er på færde. Jeg har haft en tendens til at undgå at mærke mine følelser. Enten fordi jeg har lært, at jeg ikke må føle, som jeg føler, og derfor har dissocieret følelsen. Eller fordi jeg er så sansemæssigt overvældet, at jeg ikke når at mærke, hvad jeg føler i øjeblikket. Begge dele var medvirkende til, at jeg fik et meltdown. Jeg reagerede ikke på mine følelser og indså ikke, at jeg havde haft angst i flere måneder, før jeg blev trigget og sad fast i et panikanfald. Det handlede ikke om, at jeg ikke kunne føle; det handlede om, at jeg aldrig havde lært, at jeg måtte føle mine følelser, så jeg gemte dem væk. Det er noget, jeg kommer til at fortryde resten af mit liv.

             

            Fordi vi sanser anderledes, oplever vi, at vores oplevelser ofte bliver invalideret, hvilket medfører en manglende tillid til os selv. Det er problematisk, for det kræver en rigtig god forståelse af ens interoceptive sans at kunne monitorere sig selv, håndtere sine følelser, tænke før vi handler, være kognitivt fleksible samt organisere og planlægge. Det undervurderes, hvor svært det er at lære, uanset om vi er neurodivergente eller neurotypiske.

             

            Rabbit trail—The Intense World Theory

            Det bliver i stigende grad anerkendt, at mennesker som er autister og ADHD’ere har udfordringer med sanserne, selvom dette har været kendt i over 100 år.

             

            Hypotesen bag The Insense World Theory er, at autister oplever et overvældende antal sanseindtryk, hvilket fører til forstærket perception, opmærksomhed og følelsesmæssige reaktioner. Dette står i skarp kontrast til tidligere opfattelser blandt (hvide, middelaldrene mandlige) forskere, som mente, at autister trak sig ind i sig selv, fordi de ikke var interesseret i verden omkring dem. Men det er ikke den manglende interesse, der får os til at trækker os tilbage – det er snarere det konstante bombardement af sanseindtryk, som gør det svært at navigere i verden.

             

            Jeg kan genkende det fra mig selv. Jeg føler næsten, at de mange sansemæssige informationer fysisk slår mig. Nogle gange er det en rar følelse, f.eks. når æstetikken er høj, men den kan også være rædselsfuld, når æstetikken er lav.

             

            Lige nu sidder jeg for eksempel på en café i Berlin og skriver dette afsnit. Caféen er enkelt indrettet med borde og bænke af limtræ og sorte stole, mens væggene er tomme, og lamperne er strategisk placeret, så man kan arbejde. Musikken er rolig og bidrager til flowet, men som altid lidt for høj.

             

            På grund af denne høje sensitivitet står mange børn i dag over for store udfordringer. Især neurodivergente børn har en "spiky" indlæringsprofil, da de skal sortere de mange sanseindtryk, de modtager, før de kan absorbere læring. Udefra kan det se ud, som om børnene udviser en kontrær adfærd, enten ved at reagere med eksternaliserende adfærd, hvor de udtrykker deres frustration udadtil, eller internaliserende adfærd, hvor de vender den indad mod sig selv. Men dette er ikke tilfældet; faktisk handler de på en klog måde i forhold til deres sansemæssige udfordringer. Desværre er det ofte sådan, at de voksne ikke lytter til dem, hvilket kan sende børn og unge ud i mistrivsel og føre til skolevægring.

             

            Den tilgang, der anvendes i uddannelsessystemet, fokuserer på mange emner i lange perioder med hyppige skift – det kaldes en top-down tilgang.

             

            Denne metode fungerer ikke, når du bliver oversvømmet af informationer hele tiden; så er du nødt til at sortere dine input. Min metode har været at fokusere dybt på får ting ad gangen i korte intense perioder og derefter samle det hele til ét stort billede til sidste – det kaldes en bottom-up tilgang. Det betyder også, at jeg ofte har oplevet at være på kant med andre, da mange ikke har kunnet se ”the meaning in the madness” – et udtryk, jeg har fra den olympiske 4-roer Caragh McMurtry. Jeg har lært, at jeg må sidde med ubehaget og uroen, indtil jeg forstår det, og at fejl er en nødvendighed, hvis jeg skal lære noget nyt. Det har lærte mig at arbejde kreativt og innovativt, med en høj at robusthed overfor forandringer – og sjovt nok med en meget lille robusthed overfor dårlige løsninger og rutiner, skriver jeg smilende som autist-ADHD'er.

             

            Helt almindelige mennesker, der har haft hjernerystelse, piskesmæld eller andre fysiske sygdomme, oplever præcis de samme sansemæssige forstyrrelser som autister og ADHD’er. Det er altså en almenmenneskelig reaktion, som viser, at vi i langt højere grad bør designe vores omgivelser efter vores behov. Vi bør lade os inspirere af arkitekten Jan Gehl, som mener, at byrummet skal designes til mennesker for at fremme livskvalitet. For i dag er det langt fra tilfældet. Omgivelserne er designet som en form for gameificering, der får mange af os til at bevæge os rundt, som befandt vi os i et computerspil, hvor spilbanen konstant ændrer sig. Det disconnecter os fra os selv og hinanden og gør os syge.

             

            150 TYPER SYNESTÆSI / SANSESAMMENBLANDING

            Jeg tænker ikke mine tanker – jeg sanser mine tanker. Alle mine tanker har altid været sansninger. Sanser jeg det ikke, findes det ikke. Jeg tror faktisk slet ikke, jeg helt kan forstå, at andre mennesker ikke sanser deres tanker på samme måde.

             

            Don’t ever believe we are thinking machines, who have feelings.

            We are feeling machines, who on an occasion think.

             

            – António Damásio, Neuroscientist

             

            Det har altid været overvældende, fordi jeg sjældent møder andre, der oplever verden som jeg. Fordi jeg manglede ord til at beskrive min oplevelse, blev jeg ofte meget forvirret og trak mig tilbage, da jeg ikke har vidste, hvordan jeg skulle navigere i det.

             

            Samtidig er min måde at sanse på grundlaget for, hvordan jeg arbejder. Jeg oplever, at det netop er min synæstesi, der gør mig i stand til at skabe sammenhænge mellem områder, der umiddelbart virker uafhængige af hinanden. Jeg sanser mønstrene i verden, særligt de aftryk, mennesker sætter. Det er, som om mine sanser ”føler” sig frem til min forståelse af verden.

             

            Jeg oplever flere typer synæstesi. Nogle af dem er stærke koblinger, mens andre er svagere, måske endda på grænsen af, hvad vi normalt ville kalde synæstesi.

             

            Konceptuel synæstesi

            Jeg oplever ideer og tanker som taktile sansninger og bevægelser. Har jeg ikke sanset dem, eksisterer de simpelthen ikke. Det er årsagen til, at jeg altid har sagt om mig selv, at jeg sanser mine tanker.

             

            Syn-Hænder

            Jeg plejer at sige, at jeg ”ser med hænderne”. Hvis jeg ikke kan mærke det, jeg ser, som om det var under mine hænder, kan jeg ikke arbejde med det.

             

            Hørelse-Hud

            Jeg hører med huden. Når mennesker taler, føles det, som om, min hud vibrerer. Det kan være meget intenst. Både tale og musik påvirker mig dybt og kan let virke overvældende. Det handler ikke kun om selve lyden, men også om trykket, hvormed ordene bliver sagt, volumen, skift i tempo samt afstanden mellem bogstaverne og ordene.

             

            Jeg oplever også lyd som meget sensuel. Når jeg lytter til melodisk musik, især når jeg samtidig får massage, kan jeg svæve væk i en næsten sanselig oplevelse, som om jeg flyder gennem mælkevejen.

             

            Musik-Følelser

            Jeg har altid elsket melodisk musik. Det giver mig en følelse af flow og glæde og får mig til at føle, at universet er større end både du og jeg tilsammen.

             

            Omvendt kan visse lyde – som frekvens, volumen og hyppighed – skabe et stærkt ubehag og give mig kvalme.

             

            Lugte/Smag-Følelser

            Når jeg lugter og smager et menneske, opstår følelser. Det føles, som at trækker et andet menneske dybt ind i hjertet gennem vejrtrækningen.

             

            Mirror-touch og Mirror-kinesthetics

            Jeg får næsten lyst til at råbe ”FUCK!” Det kan føles så intenst, at jeg kan drukne i et andet menneske; som at trække vejret under vand.

             

            Fænomenet er tæt forbundet med hjernens spejlneuronsystem, som hjælper os til at forstå andres handlinger og følelser. Mine spejlneuroner er særligt aktive (mirror).

             

            Jeg oplever en fysisk fornemmelse af berøring på min krop, når jeg ser en anden person blive berørt – det kaldes mirror-touch.

             

            Derudover mærker jeg også bevægelser på egen krop, når jeg ser en anden udføre en bevægelse – det kaldes mirror-kinesthetics. Det skaber en ekko-fornemmelse i kroppen, hver gang jeg ser nogen udfører en fysisk bevægelse. Nogle gange er følelsen så stærk, at jeg får en form for echolalia og føler en trang til selv at gentage bevægelsen. Hvis en person fortæller mig om en rute, mærker jeg næsten, at de går ruten.

             

            Spejling giver mig en stærk empati for andre mennesker, fordi jeg ”spejler” deres oplevelser i mit eget nervesystem. Af samme grund ser jeg ikke nyheder eller gyserfilm – jeg kan mærke andres smerte og ubehag alt for stærkt til at holde det ud.

             

            Rabbit trail—Intersekstionel udfordring

            I mange år troede jeg, at jeg var social inkompetent, fordi jeg følte, at jeg aldrig helt at kunne ramme de rette toner i sociale situationer. Det føltes, som om jeg ikke var født med ”bogen” for sociale spilleregler.

             

            Nu har jeg fundet ud af, at det ikke er tilfældet. I stedet modtager jeg så mange informationer gennem mine sanser, at jeg i realtid ikke altid kan sortere, hvad der er relevant, og hvad der ikke er. Jeg mener, prøv selv at føre en samtale midt i et stormvejr – det er umuligt. Men det er sådan, jeg har det hver dag.

             

            Samfundet har mange uskrevne spilleregler, som omfatter en række intersektionelle udfordringer – altså forskellige sociale faktorer, der enten giver visse mennesker privilegier eller fratager dem samme privilegier.

             

            Eksempler på privilegier: Heteronormativ identitet (eller kan fremstå heteronormativ), hvid hudfarve, mand, heteroseksuel, neurotypisk, høj, i 30’erne, lang uddannelse, uden handikap, evnen til at maskere, imperativ tale, hård fremtoning.

             

            Eksempler på manglende privilegier: Ikke-heteronormativ identitet, mørk hudfarve, kvinde, bi- eller homoseksuel, neurodivergent, lavere højde, uden for 30’erne, kortere uddannelse, med handikap, manglende evne til at maskere, deklarativ tale, smilende fremtoning.

             

            Mit privilegium er, at jeg er hvid, har en anerkendt lang uddannelse som økonom og kan maskere i kortere tid. Men mine manglende privilegier er også tydelige: Jeg fremstår androgyn, har et nonkonformt køn og seksualitet, er i 50’erne og kan ikke maskere ret længe uden at blive syg. Og så smiler jeg – hvilket måske kan undre, men smil bliver ofte anset som et tegn på mangel seriøsitet.

             

            Jeg møder udfordringer i min hverdag. For eksempel skiller jeg mig ud, når jeg deltager i workshops om seksualitet og kink, især blandt mennesker, der er eller kan fremstå som heteronormativ. Jeg får de blikke, hvor folk kikker på mig, men hvis jeg møder deres blik, drejer de hovedet væk og flytter overkroppen i en anden retning. Det er tydeligt, at de er usikre på, hvordan de skal placere mig i det sociale rum. De har ingen ”opskrifter” (script) for, hvilke spilleregler de skal bruge i deres tilgang til mig.

             

            De mennesker, jeg oplever som mest åbne over for mig, er dem, der udviser en høj grad af åbenhed (openness) og lav grad neuroticisme ifølge Jaak Panksepps personlighedsmodel. Det er dem, der har modet til at være nysgerrige, undersøgende og legende.

             

            VI TALER IKKE OM SANSERNE OG FØLER OS ENSOMME

            Jeg møder mange mennesker, der sanser på samme måde som mig. Samtidig møder jeg meget få, der kan sætte ord på det, som jeg kan. Vi lever nemlig ikke i en verden, hvor det er almindeligt at sætte ord på, hvad vi sanser.

             

            En pudsig observation, jeg gjorde på mine rejser, var, at de mennesker, jeg mødte, som brugte flere sansebaserede udtryk eller havde et blomstrende skriftsprog, ofte var neurodivergente. Du ville aldrig opdage det, for de fremstod helt almindelige – som de fleste nu engang er. Jeg genkender dem, fordi de beskriver deres verden igennem sanserne og med ord, som jeg kan relatere til.

             

            Generelt oplever jeg, at mange mennesker ikke sanser deres omgivelser på samme måde. Faktisk bliver jeg ofte overrasket over, at mennesker ikke sanser det samme som mig. Mange mennesker virker nærmest sansemæssigt inkompetente – ja, det er I altså – og derfor også lidt ubetænksomme. Det er som med en døv person, som – undskyld – ikke kan høre, at de smækker med døren. Men hvor en døv person godt ved, at de smækker med døren, fordi de kan mærke vibrationen og derfor øver sig i at undgå det, oplever jeg, at helt almindelige mennesker med hørelse ikke tænker over dette. De validerer derfor heller ikke andres oplevelser og kan endda finde på at irettesætte dem. Jep, jeg skældte faktisk lidt ud dér.

             

            Rabbit trailNonkonform identitet

            Tildas Swinton’s ord rammer mig dybt, og jeg tror, det skyldes, at jeg altid har følt mig typecastet i den lesbiske heteronormative verden ud fra den type, jeg repræsenterer – tomboy og økonom – snarere end ud fra, hvem jeg virkelig er; om jeg er venlig, ser godt ud, og at jeg både kan være sårbar og stærk. Denne følelse har været så stærk, at jeg nogle gange har følt mig som en slags rekvisit i en andens identitetsfortælling, hvilket har gjort det svært at være autentisk. Jeg har mange gange i mit liv skullet forklare andre mennesker, hvordan jeg oplever mig selv. For eksempel om jeg har kropsdysfori. Det har jeg ikke – jeg bryder mig bare ikke om, hvordan du behandler mig ud fra de køn og kønsudtryk, du tillægger mig. Det er sjældent en positiv oplevelse, da spørgsmålene ofte ikke er drevet af en åben og kærlig nysgerrighed – hvilket er super positivt – men snarere af et ønske om at forstå sig selv bedre. Vi glemmer ofte, hvor meget vores adfærd påvirker andre, og hvor vigtigt det er at udvise omtanke for, hvordan vores handlinger påvirker andre (how their actions impact you).


            I'm not a big believer in identity.

            I don’t know that we ever should feel pressure to identify ourselves as one thing with a sort of menu attached,

            because life is way too interesting for that and we are morphing all the time ...

            I think the fight, all the stress and strain, and incredible pain that humans can create these terrible problems,

            this burden of identifying ourselves, is too much, I think we should be easier in ourselves.

             

            – Tilda Swinton, Actor

             

            Sanser og identitet er to sidder af samme sag. Jeg har en nonkonform identitet, hvilket betyder, at min forståelse af identitet, køn og seksualitet er præget af et ”why not!”. Men fordi jeg sanser, at andre mennesker ofte projicerer deres egen identitet over på mig, har jeg tit følt mig utilpas. Jeg har prøvet at tilpasse mig og er derfor ofte med at trække mig væk.


            Show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame, and fear, and vulnerability, and just be with him.

            I will show you a woman who has done her work, and doesn’t derive her status or power from that guy.”


            – Brené Brown, Researcher on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy

             

            Mange neurodivergente oplever udfordringer med køn og seksualitet. Ikke fordi vi har udfordringer indefra, men fordi vi mødes af blikke udefra, som vi ikke kan genkende i os selv. Alle mennesker har brug for kærlige øjne, der ser os, som vi er. Hvis vi mangler det, kan det blive svært at se på os selv med kærlige øjne.

             

            Jeg tænker, at mange neurodivergente kæmper med deres identitet, fordi vi konstant må skabe plads til os selv, som vi er. Vi oplever ofte, at vi skal forklare os selv for andre i stedet for at blive mødt som ligeværdige mennesker.

             

            Prøv at forestille dig, hvordan det ville være, hvis du skulle forklare alle, du mødte, at du var lesbisk kvinde og fortælle, om du var tilfreds med din krop eller ej. Jeg tror, at mange mennesker, som har privilegiet at kunne ”passe ind”, glemmer, hvor negativt det kan påvirke et menneskes selvværd hele tiden at blive mindet om, at du skiller sig ud og derfor ikke er en del af fællesskabet.

             

            Sanseintegration eller sansedifferentiering

            Nogle ville måske sige ”potato, potato”, men der er stor forskel på, om vi omtaler vores måde at sanse verden på som forkert, fordi den adskiller sig andre, og derfor får besked på, at vi skal lære at ”integrere” vores sanser – eller at vi derimod lærer, at der er mange måde at være til i verden på og får mulighed for at lære at udvikle og skelne vores sanser fra hinanden.

             

            Jeg har det godt med den måde, jeg sanser verdenen på. Min største udfordring opstår i mødet med en verden, hvor jeg ikke kan spejle mig i andre mennesker eller møde nogle, som giver mig mulighed for at lære mig selv bedre at kende.

             

            For jeg er faktisk glad for den måde, jeg sanser verden på. Den er intens, dyb og fin. Jeg har aldrig haft brug for at integrere mine sanser, så de virkede mere sammenkoblet. Tværtimod har jeg brug for at differentiere mine sanser, så jeg føler mig mere connected med verden og oplever en dybere følelse af belonging.

             

            BELONGING

            Ja, det fortjener en selvstændig artikel. Men jeg vælger at varme lidt op her, fordi vi som art er biologisk indrettet til at connecte med hinanden.

             

            Intimitet

            At have sex er utrolig intenst. Jeg har ofte følt mig overvældet, fordi jeg ikke har haft en klar forståelse for min måde at sanse på. Det betyder, at jeg kan have svært ved at give mig hen til den anden, fordi jeg har brug for at stole på, at du kan holde rummet for mig – lige så meget, som jeg holder rummet for dig. Og jeg gør alt, hvad jeg kan, for at holde rummet for dig.

             

            Jeg må dog konstatere, at det kan være svært for mange mennesker. Mange drømmer sig væk i en romantisk forestilling om, at når prinsen eller prinsessen på den hvide hest kommer, så løser alt sig. Men det gør det ikke. Punktum. Det kræver mod at tage samtalen om de svære ting og prøve sig frem, selv når vi ikke har alle svarene.

             

            Desværre taler vi ikke om vores mest intime øjeblik: SEX. Ja, præcis – dér hvor det er allermest fysisk og FØLELSESMÆSSIGT fedtet.

             

            Vi taler ikke om, hvorvidt vi er seksuelt kompatibilitet med et andet menneske – altså om vi har samme smag eller temperament i seksuel praksis. Vi går ofte ud fra, at vi har det, men det er ikke nødvendigvis tilfældet.

             

            Vi taler heller ikke om consent. Det er utroligt svært, selv mellem kvinder. – Ud fra egen erfaring kan jeg fortælle, at det er utrolig sexet at blive spurgt: ”Må jeg kysse dig?”

             

            Det er en myte, at dårlig sex kun findes mellem mænd og kvinder. Det forekommer også mellem kvinder og kvinder, og den myte må brydes. Intimitet handler om at vise ægte empati for den anden, lytte til den andens kropssprog og kommunikere åbent og ærligt. Det er vigtigt at skabe et rum, hvor begge parter kan udtrykke deres behov og ønsker – det er essentielt for at opbygge en tilfredsstillende seksuel relation. Når vi fokuserer på at forstå hinandens præferencer og grænser, kan vi forbedre vores intime oplevelser. Åben dialog om sex og følelser fører til en dybere forbindelse og en mere meningsfuld og tilfredsstillende oplevelse for alle.

             

            Vi er nødt til at lære at tale om, hvad der sker i sengen – også mellem kvinder!

             

            Og jeg starter gerne samtalen om kink, BDSM, Shibari/reb, sensory play, sex, seksuelt overførte sygdomme, menstruation, følelser og hvad vi forstår ved lyst – og meget mere. Kom nu ind i kampen, kvinder!

             

            Meltdown er en disconnection fra belonging

            Jeg skal nok også skrive en selvstændig artikel om meltdown igen på et tidspunkt, men når jeg nævner det igen, skyldes det, at rigtig mange børn, unge og voksne oplever stor mistrivsel og stress i disse år. Det fortjener at bliver nævn igen og igen og igen, for når vi oplever overbelastning, bryder kroppen simpelthen sammen: Vi disconnecter til mennesker omkring også og mister dermed følelsen af belonging.

             

            Når du bliver sansemæssigt og/eller følelsesmæssigt overbelastet, prøver du i første omgang at trække dig fra situationen, enten fysisk eller følelsesmæssigt. Hvis det ikke er muligt, ender det med at blive for meget, for længe og for hårdt, og du bryder sammen.

             

            I første omgang oplever du et burnout, hvor du gradvist disconnecter fra dine omgivelser. Din krop forsøger at håndtere det overvældende pres ved at gå i shutdown, dvs. lukke ned. Under shutdown fryser kroppen overbelastningen, men hvis situationen fortsætter, stiger presset. Når du laver et shutdown, prøver du at undgå et meltdown, dels for at beskytte dig selv, men også for at beskytte andre og undgå følelsen af skam. Det tricky ved shutdown er, at det udefra kan se ud, som om du er rolig.

             

            På et tidspunkt kan din krop dog ikke længere håndtere overbelastningen, og det udløser et meltdown, hvor du risikerer at skade dig selv og/eller andre. Under et meltdown føles det, som om kroppen ”skriger” af dig; du mister kontrollen over både krop, tanker og handlinger. Efterfølgende kan det være svært at huske, hvad der skete, og episoden efterlader et traumepunkt, der er for ubehageligt og skamfuldt at nærme sig. Årsagen? Fordi du får at vide, at du ikke opførte dig rationelt og hensynsfuldt. Men folk overser, at vejen hen til et meltdown har været en lang proces, hvor du hele tiden har opført dig rationelt og hensynsfuldt uden at føle dig set og kærligt lyttet til.

             

            Jeg har hørt om unge mennesker, der river sig selv i ansigtet, banker hovedet mod bordet eller slår og sparker i skolen, fordi de simpelthen ikke kan klare mere. Ingen børn, unge eller voksne reagere med en eksternaliserende adfærd, fordi de er hensynsløse – de oplever et meltdown, fordi krop og sind ikke kan holde til presset længere. På mine rejser har jeg mødt helt almindelige mennesker, som vi normalt betragter som ”velfungerende,” der har oplevet at sidde i et meltdown – meltdowns er en almenmenneskelig reaktion.

             

            Jeg har tidligere nævnt det, der kaldes en ”flop-reaktion,” hvor kroppen nærmest ”lukker ned” og bliver fysisk slap. Det er en automatisk reaktion, som kan reducere din fysiske smerte, mens du dissocierer og derfor har svært ved at huske, hvad der er sket.

             

            Meltdown og flop er to modsatrettede reaktioner på samme overbelastning, hvor kroppen instinktivt forsøger at beskytte sig selv. Hvorfor kroppen vælger to forskellige strategier, er et godt spørgsmål. Jeg har oplevet, at flop-reaktionen opstår under akut pres, mens meltdown opstår som reaktion på et længerevarende pres. Om det altid er tilfældet, ved jeg ikke.

             

            Udvis empati og compassion – vi alle kan alle ende et sted, hvor livet slipper sit greb om os.

             

            Vi er som social art skabt til at connecte med andre mennesker. Hvis vi ikke gør det, bliver vi syge. Som art er vi afhængige af vores community, da vi har brug for at kunne co-regulere vores nervesystem gennem empati og compassion.

             

            Compassion

            Compassion er intentionen om både at have egen og andres trivsel på sinde og ikke blot vende os bort, når livet rammer og er hårdt. Det er evnen til at se den anden i øjnene og holde hånden, når livet er svært.

             

            Når vi udviser compassion, kan vi tænke over: Hvordan kan jeg være til gavn for den anden person og mig selv? Hvordan kan jeg lade tvivlen komme den anden til gode? Når jeg er nødt til at træffe nogle ubehagelige valg, der går ud over nogle, så husk at have opmærksomhed på, hvordan jeg gøre det med så lidt smerte som muligt?

             

            Compassion handler om relationer og om at vise os selv og andre, at du betyder noget!

             

            Og lad os være helt ærlige: Det er super svært. Vi bliver bange, når vi ser sårbarhed i andre. Så jeg vil slutte af med små bidder af Brené Brown – men se hende selv på Netflix.

             

            UDDRAG FRA BRENÈ BROWN I 'THE CALL TO COURAGE'

            The best way to describe shame is that shame is the feeling you would get if you walked out of a room there was filled with people who know you, and they started to say such hurtful things about you that you don’t know if you can ever walk back in and face them again in your life.

             

            It is not the critic who counts; it’s not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done it different. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again and again, and who, in the end, while he might know the high of achievement, when at least when he fails, does so daring greatly.

             

            Vulnerability is about having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.

             

            If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion because you were being brave, I am not interested in or open to your feedback about my work.

             

            There are millions of cheap seats in the word today filled with people who will never one’s step foot in the arena. They will never ones put themselves out there, but they will make it a full-time job to hurl criticism, and judgement, and really hateful things toward us. And we have to get out of the habit of catching them, and dissecting, and holding them close to our heart. We need to let them drop on the floor. Don’t grab that hurtful stuff from the cheap seats, and pull it close, don’t even put it near you heart. Just let it fall to the ground. Not to stop it or kick it, you just need to step over it and keep going. You can’t take criticism and feedback from people how are not being brave with their life’s. It will just crush you.

             

            You have to be specific about who’s opinion of you matters. It's not that you don’t give a shit about what anyone think—just don’t give a shit about what some people think. And then really ask for feedback for people who do… really give you good feedback, and do you know who makes that list?

             

            People who love you, not despite of your imperfection and vulnerability, but because of your imperfection and vulnerability. There feedback matter—Not the yes-people, but the people who say: Yeah, that kind of sucked, and you were really out of line, and you need to clean that shit up. But I will be here cheering you on, but that was not okay.

             

            And when we were interviewing to understand resilience, the most resilient participants that we meet all these years had some form of these sentence in common. It is a simple sentence: “The story I am telling myself”. Because when something hard happens, our brains, that is wired to protect us above all else, want a story. And understand stories and narrative patterns, and it says: “Give me a story so I can understand how to protect you”. And it doesn’t want a story with: “Well, I am not sure”. That is not useful. It wants a bad guy, good guy, safe, danger, against you, for you. And so, we make up these stories.

             

            You show me a person who can sit with another person who is in all shame, fear, and vulnerable and not fix anything, but just listen.

             

            When you make an emotional bid for connection with someone and you are pushed away, what is the thing you feel? Rejection, shame, fear, loneliness.

             

            Show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame, and fear, and vulnerability, and just be with him. I will show you a woman who has done her work, and doesn’t derive her status or power from that guy. Show me a guy who can sit with a woman who is in real shame, and fear, and vulnerability, and not fix anything, but just listen. I will show you a guy, who has done his work, and doesn’t derive his power or status from being Oz, the fixer of all things.

             

            We usably reserve using people’s vulnerability against them for the people we love the most.

             

            Why?

             

            We are scared of seeing vulnerability in other people.

             

            How many of you want more love, intimacy in your life? Joy? You can’t have that if you do not let yourself be seen. How can you let yourself be loved if you can’t be seen.

             

            Vulnerability is the path back to each other, but we are so afraid of getting on it that we end up hurting each other a lot. We want it so badly, but we are so afraid to let ourselves be seen. And we are so afraid to see.


            Why do you want me to be vulnerable?


            Vulnerability is the gui center of hard emotions: shame, fear, grief, scarcity.

             

            Why should I feel them, and why should I let other people see them? I don’t want to be vulnerable; I want to armor up. I want to stay protected

             

            Here is the problem with the armor. The problem with the armor is that vulnerability is totally in the center of these emotions, but it is also the birthplace of these: love, belonging, joy.

             

            To love is to be vulnerable. To give someone your heart and say: “I know this can hurt so bad, but I am willing to do it. I am willing to be vulnerable and love you.”

             

            And there is an increasing number of people in the world today that is not willing to take that risk. They will never know love, then to know hurt or grief, and that is a huge price to pay. Belonging—we are wired for love; we are hardwired for belonging; it’s in our DNA.

             

            We are in a midst of what I will call a political and social shit-show right now. It is a cultural nightmare.

             

            The opposite of belonging is fitting in. Fitting in is assessing and acclimating: “This is what I should say, this is what I should do, this is what I should avoid talking about, this is how I should dress like. Belonging is belonging to yourself first. Speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are, and that’s vulnerable. And in the last in the big list, is joy. And joy is the most vulnerable of all human feelings.


            Vulnerability is defined as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.

             

            There is no courage without vulnerability.

             

            You only have two options: you do vulnerability, knowingly, or vulnerability does you.

             

            You do vulnerability knowingly or unknowingly.

             

            It is so much easier to course pain then to feel pain. And people are taking their pain, and they are working it out on other people. And when you don’t acknowledge your vulnerability, you work your shit out on other people. Stop working your shit out on other people. Stop.

             

            It’s okay if you have crazy shit going on. Join the club; We all do. The difference is don’t offload you hard stuff on other people.

             

            In the absent of connection, love and belonging there is always suffering.

             

            Trust comes before vulnerability. Do I trust you? Then I am vulnerable with you. Or am I vulnerable with you, and then I learn to trust you? And the answer is yes and. It’s a slow stacking over time of vulnerability and trust.

             

            Your share with people who earnt the right to hear your story. Your story is a privilege to hear. You share it with people who have earnt the right to hear it. You don’t share it just because. Vulnerability minus boundaries, not vulnerability.

             

            You do not measure vulnerability by the amount of disclosure. Your measure it by the amount of courage to show up and be seen when you can’t control the outcome.



            » Otte Fællesmenneskelige Adrenalin- og Traumereaktioner

            1 August 2024

             

            Der er mange forestillinger om, at årsagen, til at neurodivergente mennesker opfører sig anderledes, skyldes en gennemgribende udviklingsforstyrrelse. Det er en myte. Jeg vil her beskrive de otte almenmenneskelige traumereaktioner mennesker udvikler, når de ikke bliver set på med kærlige øjne. Og som er den mest almindelige adfærd, vi ser hos både neurodivergente og neurotypiske mennesker, når øjnene, der ser, er i bedste mening.

             

            Vi ved ikke, hvilken del af neurodivergens der er medfødt (inherent og mechanics), hvilken blandede bolsjer af symptomer der præsenterer en diagnose (present), og hvad der er tillært, fordi vi tilpasser os vores omgivelser (conditioned). Hvad vi ved er, at vi udvikler stress og traumereaktioner, fordi vi prøver at tilpasse os vores omgivelser, og ender med at cirkulere rundt i fight, flight, freeze, flop, fawn, funster og fib (kamp, flugt, frys, opgivelse, behage, klovne og undvigelse), fordi kroppen instinktivt forsøger at beskytte sig selv mod farer.


            People start to heal the moment they feel heard.


            – Cheryl Richardson, Life Coach

             

            Jeg kan ikke huske det meste af min barndom. Når jeg endelig kan huske noget, er det så intenst, at jeg har en ud-af-kroppen-oplevelse, hvor det føles som om mine sanser svæver omkring mig, som en stjerne der er eksploderet.

             

            Jeg kan huske en helt almindelig skoledag i 2. klasse, hvor jeg bliver bedt om at gå på en streg på gulvet samtidig med, at jeg skal tælle til ti. Jeg forklarer grædende læreren, at jeg kan gå på stregen, og at jeg kan tælle til ti, og at jeg gerne vil gøre begge dele, men ikke på samme tid. Alle mine sanser skriger til mig. Jeg ser lærerens entusiastiske blik i et close-up, der prøver at overbevise mig om, at det vil være godt for mig; stregen på gulvet, børnene omkring mig, som sidder på gulvet og kikker op på mig; jeg mærker tårerne på minde kinder; jeg ser vinduerne ud mod skolegården. Jeg husker rædslen i frustrationen over ikke at kunne forklare, hvor svært det er at gøre det, jeg bliver bedt om, og ikke at blive lyttet til. Jeg endte med at løbe ud af lokalet og sætte mig i garderoben, hvor mit overtøj var. Jeg følte mig ensom og efterladt.

             

            I en lang periode forlader jeg skolens område, fordi jeg ikke kan holde ud at sidde i garderoben. Det kan jeg kun huske det, fordi min mor var sur over, at hun ikke havde fået at vide, at jeg havde forladt skolen. For at undgå min mors vrede endte jeg med at sove i timerne.

             

            Når jeg endelig kan huske noget fra min barndom, er det den følelse, jeg genkender: rædslen i frustrationen over ikke at føle mig set. Den følelsesmæssige rædsel over ikke at kunne forklare mig selv, ikke at kunne gøre mine behov tydelige for andre. Den følelsesmæssige rædsel over at for fortalt, hvordan jeg bør føle.

             

            Og da jeg havde nået teenagealderen, havde jeg lært at dissociere min krop, følelser og tanker som en måde at undgår at blive overvældet – men jeg kunne heller ikke mærke mig selv.

             

            Hverdagens små pålidelige gentagelser havde sat sine meget dybe spor.

             

            NÅR DU BLIVER FREMMED FOR DIG SELV

            Når du som barn ikke bliver set på udefra af kærlige øjne, får du svært ved at lære dig selv at kende som voksen. Faktisk bliver du en fremmed for dig selv, der ikke helt forstår, hvorfor du ikke fungere som alle andre – selv på et tidspunkt, hvor du faktisk ikke skal fungere som alle andre.

             

            For alligevel at prøve at tilpasse dig, finder du strategier, som fremstår mere socialt acceptable.

             

            FIGHT / KAMP

            At kæmpe er at have en udadreagerende adfærd og er en måde for barnet at sige ”nej tak” eller ”be’ om” på. Som barn er dine sproglige kompetencer nemlig ikke udviklet, og du har heller ikke udviklet evnen til at mærke og udtrykker dine indre tilstande. Det er noget, du lære i sammenspil med de voksne i dine omgivelser og gennem andre børn.

             

            Du kender fight-reaktionen, og særligt som pige lærer du meget hurtigt, at du ikke må kæmpe. Det er meget tydeligt, hvor uacceptabelt det er som pige at have en udadreagerende adfærd. Du bliver skampåført ved den mindste afvigelse, der ikke lever op til den sociale forestilling om den stille søde lille pige (traumereaktion).

             

            Som voksen betyder det, at du får udfordringer med at mærke og udtrykke dine behov. Du får svært ved at være i konflikter – selv mindre uoverensstemmelser – i dine relationer og både at sige til og fra.

             

            Igennem min barndom har jeg fået at vide, både direkte og indirekte, hvor lidt jeg tog hensyn til andre – særligt blikkene borer sig ind i mig selv den dag i dag – at jeg som voksen fanme nok skulle bevise, hvor ordentlig jeg var, til en sådan en grad, at jeg undgik konflikter for enhver pris – og jeg endte med hverken at være ordentlig overfor mig selv eller andre.

             

            Det er faktisk trist at opdage, for jeg havde rigtig meget kraft og energi som barn. Og når jeg rejser alene – denne historie er skrevet i Berlin – kommer jeg i kontakt med min kraftfulde side og bliver mindet om, hvem jeg er som menneske.

             

            Rabbit trail—Masking

            Som neurodivergent lære du, at det er dit ansvar at håndtere andre menneskers følelser. Du lærer, at der er en stor kløft mellem din adfærd, dine oplevelser, dine behov og den måde du kommunikerer på, og at denne kløft bliver forstærket i dine relationer. Du får lært, at det er dit ansvar at bygge bro over kløften til den anden. Du får med andre ord lært at maskere, da din måde at opleve verden på, dine behov og din måde at kommunikere ikke bliver anerkendt. Der er ingen, der går over broen til dig.

             

            Du lærer at maskere så godt, at du ikke engang ved, at du maskerer, men helt automatisk kører simulationsmodeller i dit hoved over samtlige interaktioner, toppet med for eksempel etiske modeller, du har med andre mennesker, at du ikke længere ved, hvordan du ikke skal maskere.

             

            Du får lært at føle dig unsafe (utryg) omkring mennesker, og når du skal til at lære at maskere mindre, vil det være helt naturligt, at mennesker – måske for en tid – stadig trigger følelsen.

             

            FLIGHT / FLUGT

            Du kan ikke flygte som barn. Men når ting bliver for overvældende, har du brug for at kunne trække dig. Du kan trække dig fysisk og/eller mentalt fra dine omgivelser.

             

            Jeg anvendte flugt som en måde fysisk at fjerne mig fra mine omgivelser og undgå at blive overvældet. Jeg var som barn ofte på ekskursion og undersøge mine omgivelser og tale med mennesker. Og så læste jeg rigtig meget – alt hvad jeg kunne få mine fingre i, som Familie Journalen – som en måde at flygte ind i min egen verden. Jeg isolerede mig fra omverdenen (traumereaktion).

             

            Rabbit trail—Personlighed

            Jaak Pansepp er forsker og har identificeret syv primære følelsesmæssige systemer – Seeking, Playful, Caring, Lust, Rage, Fear og Panic (Søgen, Legesyg, Omsorg, Lyst, Raseri, Frygt og Panik) – som kan genfindes som fem karaktertræk i personlighedsmodeller: åbenhed, samvittighedsfuld, ekstraversion, venlighed og neuroticisme.

            Mit personlighedstræk er, at jeg er ekstrovert. Jeg kan faktisk rigtig godt lide mennesker (personlighed). Min sansemæssige profil gør, at jeg har brug for at dekomprimere for at bearbejde alt det, jeg oplever. Det betyder også, at jeg er nødt til at dyrke rigtig meget motion, for at fungere ellers fryser alle indtryk fast i min krop (neurodivergens).


            Hvis jeg bliver overvældet, har jeg brug for at trække mig. Det kan blive tolket som, at jeg ikke kan lide mennesker. Det er meget fjernt fra virkeligheden, men kan blive læst som et bevis på, at jeg har en medfødt tilstand, vi kalder neurodivergent, og ikke et naturligt symptom på, at jeg har brug for at lade op. Desværre er det mennesker, som ikke er neurodivergente, der har fået lov til at sætte den label på neurodivergente mennesker.

             

            Når jeg trives og føler mig tryg har jeg en høj grad af åbenhed, jeg er samvittighedsfuld og venlig. Jeg er med Pansepps ord Seeking, Playful, Caring og Lust, og jeg har lav grad af neuroticisme: Rage, Fear og Panic. Som det gælder for alle andre mennesker.

             

            FREEZE / FRYS

            Da du som barn ofte hverken kan kæmpe eller flygte, ender du ofte i en frys tilstand. Når du fryser, hæmmer du din adfærd, samtidig med at din hjertefrekvens falder på grund af en parasympatisk respons. Dine bevægelser bliver stive, da dine muskler spænder op, du hyperventilerer, din fordøjelse går i stå, dine sanser bliver skarpere, og du sveder mere. Det bidrager alt sammen til, at du bliver mere klodset. Det kaldes også et Dorsal Vagal Shutdown i fagsprog og kan med udefra sete øjne blive tolket som om, at du er klodset eller uresponsiv.

             

            I mine tidlige år kæmpede jeg i større grad. Som jeg bliver ældre, blev jeg hurtigt rettet ind af mine omgivelser og mærkede, hvordan jeg anvendte frys som en måde til at tilpasse mig på. Jeg kunne mærke, hvordan mine lår stivnede, og jeg holdt vejret, mens mit indre var et stort kaos. Jeg udviklede et ”resting bitch face”, så mine omgivelser ikke kunne læse mig. Jeg bliver stadig så varm i perioder, at jeg går i t-shirt og skaljakke om vinteren. At gå i frys var en måde at undgå at gøre noget, som andre ville opfatte som forkert, og som en måde at undgå at blive gjort forkert på (traumereaktion).

             

            Det er en super ubehagelig tilstand at være i, og du forsøger at finde andre strategier for at komme ud af den.

             

            FLOP / OPGIVELSE

            Når truslen og overvældelsen bliver for stor, oplever du et sammenbrud, hvor kroppen nærmest ”lukker ned”. Dine muskler bliver bløde, og din krop bliver slatten. Det er en automatisk reaktion, som kan reducere din fysiske smerte, og du dissociere, så du har svært ved at huske, hvad der er sket med dig. Det kaldes i fagsprog tonic immobilitet og kan med udefra sete øjne blive tolket som om, at du er naiv eller uselvstændig.

             

            Det kaldes ofte fejlagtigt ”som sidste vej”, når kamp, flugt og frys ikke længere er muligt. Det mener jeg er forkert. Vi er sociale væsener, og opgivelse er naturlig mekanisme, når vi står i sociale situationer, vi ikke kan finde en passende reaktion på, som er inden for det vi tror er inden for den acceptable ramme.

             

            Hvis du har set udsendelsen på DR ”Sexisme i musikbranche”, udviser mange af kvinderne flop fordi de ikke anede deres levende råd om, hvordan de skulle håndtere en situation, som de havde lært, de ikke måtte tages så tungt: de måtte ikke ødelægge den gode stemning – og så står man i en cach-22 og er på den.

             

            Jeg har i min barndom og ungdom stået i mange situationer, som var så overvældende, at jeg kunne mærke, hvor bløde nogle af mine muskler i benene var, mens andre muskler kæmpede med at holde mig oprejst. Jeg dissocierede så slemt, at min krop holdt op med at skrige, og alt bliver stille (traumereaktion).


            Som neurodivergent er du hele tiden på overarbejde med, hvad du må og ikke må. Det betyder også, at du nogle gange ender i situationer, hvor du ikke får sagt fra, fordi du ikke er blevet set udefra af kærlige øjne, som har lært dig selv at kende, og derfor ved, hvad dine behov er og hvordan du får givet udtryk for dem – måske ovenikøbet med kamp.


            Igen er det en super ubehagelig tilstand at være i, og du forsøger at finde andre strategier for aldrig at komme ind i den.

             

            FAWN / BEHAGE

            Du fawner, når du udtrykker enighed, smigre eller imødekomme ”truslen” i overdreven grad, som du skulle have sagt fra overfor. Og nej, det behøves ikke at være vold, det er også alle de ”små” situationer, hvor du ikke giver udtryk for dine behov, men sætter en andens behov først. Du gør alt for at undgå konflikter. Denne strategi er særlig virksom for piger, da den passer ind i forestillingen om den søde stille pige.

             

            Fordi jeg er blevet irettesat så mange gange igennem min barndom og dertil ikke har haft nogle kærlige øjne til at se mig og snakke med mig, er jeg blevet bange for konflikter. Jeg har lært, at du og jeg kan blive enige om én ting, og det er, at det alt sammen er min skyld.

             

            Det betyder, at jeg hellere vil æde mig selv op, som en professionel cykelrytter på vej op af Mont Blanc i Tour de France, end at give udtryk for nogle som helst følelser, jeg måtte have (traumereaktion).

             

            Jeg er et venligt og samvittighedsfuldt menneske (personlighed), som kan lide at gøre gode ting for andre. Min sansemæssige profil gør, at jeg har brug for at dekompresse for at bearbejde alt det, jeg oplever, før jeg nogle gange kan vende tilbage og give udtryk for mine behov (neurodivergens).

             

            Rabbit trail—Relationer

            ”Ude af øje, ude af sind, altid i mit hjerte” er noget, som mange autister og/eller ADHD’ere kan genkende. Vi er gode til at være alene og beskæftige os med det, som interesserer os. Og vi er gode til at genoptage relationer, som var det i går, vi sås.

             

            Sådan havde jeg det i mange år, indtil jeg fandt ud af, at det ikke var sandt.

             

            Jo, jeg har altid været godt til at være alene. Jeg keder mig aldrig. Du kan bare se, hvor meget jeg skriver. Men hvad jeg havde overset var, at jeg det meste af mit liv, havde været omgivet af mennesker. Jeg har søskende, jeg studerede og arbejdede, jeg boede sammen med kærester og bofæller, havde naboer og fritidsinteresser. På den måde, var jeg aldrig alene, bortset fra når jeg havde brug for det. Fordi mine sanser hurtigt bliver overloaded, har jeg brug for tid til at dekompresse.

             

            Der skal ikke mange mennesker til at fylde mig op. Det betyder også, at jeg ikke altid har været god til at udvikle og vedligeholde relationer. Det har ofte været sådan, at mennesker kom og mennesker gik, uden at jeg har tænkt over hvorfor. Indtil jeg for lidt over 10 år siden kikkede på min livshistorie og så et mønster, som jeg først i dag forstår til fulde.

             

            Nok var jeg sammen med mange mennesker hele tiden, men jeg var ikke sammen med dem, jeg havde valgt til. Jeg var ikke sammen med mennesker, som havde samme værdier som mig, hvor gensidig respekt og kommunikation og interesse for hinanden var til stede. Jeg havde ikke valgt mennesker til, som gav mig energi at snakke med og være i selskab med. Mennesker, som jeg kunne lide at tale i telefon med og være stille sammen med. Jeg havde dybest set ikke valgt mennesker, som jeg følte mig trygge sammen med, og hvor jeg følte, at jeg kunne maskere bare lidt mindre.

             

            Det er en stor fordom, at neurodivergente ikke skulle have brug for meningsfulde sociale og respektfulde relationer. Alle mennesker har brug for andre mennesker i deres liv. Alle mennesker har brug for at føle sig set og få lov til at se andre. Alle har brug for at give og føle kærlighed.

             

            Udfordringen, når du er neurodivergente, er, at du kan være så overloaded, at du ender med fawne i mange af dine relationer, fordi du ikke magter at forholde dig til dem, du har. Omvendt kan du også ende med at trække dig fra dine relationer for at slikke dine sår alene, fordi du ikke magter at opsøge omsorg af frygt for at blive gjort forkert.

             

            Nogle gange har du behov for at kunne ”snige” dig ud af en situation, hvor du ikke kan få dine behov opfyldt, uden af skulle fawne.


            FUNK / AFVISENDE

            Funk er en tilføjelse, jeg har lavet, som handler om, at i stedet for at du er overdreven imødekommende (fawning) eller klovnende (funster), kan du være afvisende som en måde at beskytte dig selv på.

             

            Du kender sikkert de mennesker, der har et meget afvisende og hårdt ydre, måske i form af mange piercinger eller en lidt for stram nej-hat siddende omkring hovedet, så det ser ud, som om de ikke bekymre sig om andre. Formålet med funk er at beskytte sig selv mod at blive afvist for at være lidt for anderledes i forhold til de sociale normer og samtidig bevare så meget selvagens og autonomi som muligt.

             

            Det er ikke en strategi, jeg bruger i dag, men i mine 20’ere og 30’ere var jeg langt mere tilbagetrukket og mindre imødekommende, end jeg er i dag. Når jeg ser tilbage, kan jeg se, hvor meget jeg kæmpede med at navigere i en verden, som jeg ikke oplevede kæmpede for at inkludere min anderledeshed.

             

            Nogle gange har du behov for at kunne ”joke” dig ud af en situation, hvor du ikke kan få dine behov opfyldt, uden af skulle fawne.


            FUNSTER / KLOVNE

            Du kloner, når du laver sjov, bagatelliserer situationen eller er overdreven munter. Og det kan med udefra sete øjne blive tolket som om, du er robust, eller at du ikke tager tingene alvorligt.

             

            Folk, der har mødt mig, ved at jeg er god for en joke. Jeg tror faktisk, det er den strategi, jeg mest anvender. Jeg bagatelliserer mange situationer med en joke. Jeg er så god til det, at jeg kan befinde mig i et shutdown og stadig smile. Det forvirrer mange mennesker, da de aldrig forstår, hvorfor jeg kan melde mig syg fra arbejde og stadig møde smilene op til en middag. Hvad folk ikke ser, er, at når jeg lukker døren, så ligger jeg i fosterstilling derhjemme. Jeg kan faktisk ligge i fosterstilling lige foran dig, uden at du opdager det. Jeg viser aldrig mennesker, hvad der i virkeligheden foregå inden bag scenen efter tæppefald, fordi jeg aldrig har haft mulighed for at udtrykke mine behov og blive kærlig mødt på dem (traumereaktion).

             

            Jeg har en åben og nysgerrig tilgang til verdenen og kan godt lide at lave lidt sjov med den verden vi alle sammen beboer. Jeg elsker at lave lidt sjov med ord og give en kompliment, da der ikke noget bedre end at sende et kærligt smil på et andet menneskes læber (personlighed).

             

            Jeg oplever, at jeg ser sammenhænge, som ingen andre ser, og at det giver mig et lille quirky indblik i verdenen, hvilket gør, at jeg helt sikkert ikke har samme humor som andre (neurodivergens) – I think I deal with paying by making jokes.

             

            Hvis jeg bruger fib, så er jeg ude at skide. Det er min ”last line of defence”. Og den er skamfuld.

             

            FIB / UNDVIGE

            Når du fibber, prøver du at undvige en situation, du ikke føler, du kan komme ud af, og hvor du ender med at fabrikerer historier og måske ligefrem lyver for at undslippe situationen.

             

            Mange børn, når de skal udvikle en mere moden selvregulering end kamp eller flugt, anvender fib. Udefra kan det se ud, som om de lyver, men de prøver i virkeligheden at sige det, de tror, de voksne gerne vil høre for ikke at føle sig forkerte. Når børn kæmper med ikke at føle sig forkerte, kan blive de så forvirret, at de selv har svært ved at finde ud af, hvad der er op og ned på deres historie, fordi de ikke for mulighed for sammen med en voksen at undersøge, hvad der er sket i en situation, og de kan ende med at fibbe endnu mere.

             

            Jeg fibber ved at sige underlige ting, som vi vil kalde virkelig mærkelige og til tider upassende. Jeg lyver ikke, men jeg fortæller heller ikke sandheden om, hvad der sker i mig. Det er som regel kun noget, der sker, når jeg føler mig så ekstremt presset, at jeg ikke oplever at kunne finde bagdøren. Det er en måde at holde folk på afstand, så jeg undgår at føle mig forket – og ja, paradoksalt nok, ender med at føle mig forkert. Jeg oplever det som en form for kamp, men med bløde boksehandsker. Særligt den er farlig, fordi det er det tidspunkt, hvor det er tydeligst, at jeg ikke har givet udtryk for mine behov og har overtrådt mine egne grænser med syvmileskridt (traumereaktion).

             

            Fib handler hverken om personlighed eller neurodivergens. Den er en reaktion på stress og trusler, som er så overvældende, at du prøver at fakte dig ud af situationen uden at kæmpe.

             

            Rabbit trail—Dating

            Dyr, der bliver fanget i en bjørnesaks, en fælde, er i stand til at gnave deres pote af for at overleve. Hvis du er i stand til at ”gnave din pote af”, dvs. disconnecte fra dine relationer, skal du spørge dig selv om, hvorvidt du i første omgang gik ind i en relation med det formål at bygge en følelsesmæssig connection, og hvis du gjorder, hvorvidt gav op og flygtede, fordi du ikke var i stand til at indgå i en ærlig dialog med den det menneske, som du stod overfor.

             

            Regardless of attachment style, trauma history,

            or the context of the situation…

            people who genuinely care about you…

            care about how their actions impact you. Period.

             

            – Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, Relationship & Intimacy Expert

             

            Jeg har gnavet min pote af så mange gange igennem mit liv, at jeg ved, at jeg ikke har lavet den indsats at bygge en følelsesmæssig connection med et menneske, hvis jeg ikke oplever, at det gør ondt at disconnecte. Årsagen er, som jeg skriver længere oppe, at jeg generelt føler, at mennesker ikke er trygge, så jeg har ikke erfaring med at kunne vise andre mennesker, hvem jeg virkelig er, uden at smide min maske.

             

            I den moderne swipe kultur er det blevet almindeligt, at rigtigt mange mennesker ikke indgår i en reel relation med den intention at bygge en følelsesmæssig connection. Det bliver ofte skrevet som en brug og smid væk kultur. Det vil jeg nok ikke kaldet det. Men faktum er, at rigtig mange mennesker ikke laver den indsat at bygge en dyb dialog, når vi mærker kemi med et andet menneske. Og lige så snart, noget i relationen ikke lever op til vores Disney-forestillinger om, hvad vi tror en relation er, flygter vi, i stedet for at tage dialogen og høre og mærke, hvad der sker i den anden og os selv. Jytte Vikkelsøe siger, at hvis vi ikke tør udfordre os selv igennem et andet menneskes øjne, kommer vi ikke ned i de dybder, hvor vi lærer os selv bedre at kende. Vi skal være bevidste om, hvad vores egne dybeste håb og længsler er, og turde leve dem, turde kræve dem, turde stå frem og turde bede om det, for at sikre et rigt liv. Og det skal vi turde gøre sammen med et andet menneske, der tør det samme.

             

            Dette gælder ikke kun vores intimrelationer; det gælder i alle vores relationer, også venskaber – vi gør ikke en indsats følelsesmæssige connections. Når vi >bare< kan swipe videre, behøver vi ikke at beskæftige os med ubehaget i os selv. Og vi har ubehag i alle relationer; det er en del af at være menneske. Spørgsmål er bare, hvor parate vi er til at bygge relationer, hvor behaget er større end ubehaget, og vi giver plads til, at kærligheden kan vokse.

             

            ÅRSAG OG VIRKNING

            Alle mennesker cirkulerer i de otte adrenalin- og traumetilstande som en måde at regulere vores kroppe på, når vi interagerer med andre mennesker. For eksempel laver vi alle et lille frys, når vi holder os tilbage fra at afbryde en samtale. Det svarer til en meget blød opbremsning af nervesystemet, der ikke lukker vores sociale nerve ned (den polyvagale teori), og vi fortsætter med at fungere og have autonomi over os selv.

             

            Selvom jeg skriver med neurodivergent briller, oplever mennesker, der ikke er neurodivergent, også de traumereaktioner, jeg beskriver. Det er helt almindelige reaktioner på noget, som er for meget, forlænge og for hårdt.

             

            Det er utroligt svært at skelne adfærd (present) mellem, hvad der er medfødt (inherent) og hvad der er tillært, fordi vi lærer at tilpasse os vores omgivelser (conditioned). Og den forskning, der har været lavet, har været baseret på observationer af mennesker uden at spørge de observerede mennesker, hvad de følte, og forskerne selv har ikke oplevet følelsen indefra. Dette skaber et stærkt etisk problem i forskningen.

             

            Neurodivergens kan koges ned til to ting: forskellen i måden, vi sanser verdenen på, og forskellen i måden, vi bearbejder informationer og lærer på, dvs. tænker. Dertil kan lægges traumer.

             

            I mit tilfælde sanser jeg verdenen anderledes. Jeg har så mange sansesammenblandinger (synestesi og multimodal), at jeg bliver helt rundtosset. Det ved jeg, fordi de fleste mennesker jeg snakker med, ikke fortæller historier om deres sanser, som jeg kan genkende, og fordi jeg har læst og hørt rigtig mange beskrivelser fra stærke neurodivergent mennesker, som formidler oplevelser, som jeg kan genkende.

             

            Jeg tror, at fordi jeg sanser stærkt, så bearbejder jeg informationer og lærer på en anden måde, end jeg igennem livet har oplevet, andre mennesker gør. Mange af dem, jeg har arbejdet sammen med, synes at kunne ”nøjes” med mundtlige beskeder, hvor jeg har brug for at se det visuelt. Jeg plejer at sige, at min læring er: See one, doe one, then improvise, be creative and change the fucking shit.

             

            Det har altid været pinefuldt for mig, at jeg lærer ved at kopier andre, fordi vi i samfundet har en social regel om, at så er jeg uselvstændig. Jeg har lært ved at læse om nogle af verdens bedste neurodivergente sportsudøvere, at det er lige præcis den metode, de anvender. De ser noget, og så perfektionere de det, de ser.

             

            Prøv at læs Temple Grandin’s bog Visual Thinking. Jeg har været meget overraske over, hvor meget hendes måde at tilgå verdenen på ligner min, bortset fra at hun er visuel objektiv tænkende, og jeg er visuel spatiel tænkende.

             

            I de samtaler, jeg har haft med mennesker på mine rejser til Spanien, Schweitz og Tyskland de seneste fire måneder, har jeg været dybt overrasket over, at det meste adfærd (symptomer), jeg observerer hos både neurotypiske og neurodivergent mennesker, er traumereaktioner, som i nogle tilfælde er udviklet til kompleks PTSD. Deres adfærd skyldes altså ikke, at de er neuro-noget-som-helst.

             

            Hvis jeg endelig skal sige noget, så oplever jeg, at personligheden i langt højere grad beskriver de mestringsstrategier, folk ”vælger”. Dertil er der en vis tillært strategi, hvor folk har taget livsbeslutninger, som på godt og ondt, har hjulpet dem videre i livet.

             

            Min personlighed er, at jeg er nysgerrig. Og en af mine livsbeslutninger var ikke at lytte til folk for at kunne forblive nysgerrig; ellers var jeg blevet hjemme under dynen. Det var en beslutning på godt og ondt fordi, fordi selvfølgelig bestræbte jeg mig på at tilpasse mig, ”and lost myself”.

             

            HVORFOR KAN VI IKKE SKELNE MEDFØDT FRA TILLÆRT?

            Når de forklaringer, vi får af professionelle fagfolk, er tæt nok på en følelse, vi kan genkende, overgiver vi os til forklaringen i mangel af bedre. Også selvom den er forkert.

             

            De labels og den litteratur, der bliver sat på mennesker, som er neurodivergente, som autister og ADHD’ere, er skrevet af allistiske mennesker og minder om manualer, man bruger på hunde. Nop, det var faktisk ikke mig, der satte ord på det, det var super cool neurodivergent ressourcer, der med sine små reels virkelige formår at spidde samtlige myter om, hvad det vil sige at være AuDHD.

             

            Det kan jeg genkende i den første tid efter, jeg begyndte at undersøge og forholde mig til, hvad det betød at være neurodivergent. Vi får fortalt, at autister og ADHD’ere er naive, fordi vi ikke kan læse og forstå de sociale situationer. Og den fælde faldt jeg i: jeg var en loyal golden retriever, der blev siddende ved sin ejers fødder, ligegyldigt, hvor meget jeg blev slået.

             

            Paradokset med den forklaring er, at vi rent faktisk har forstået, at det, der sker omkring os, ikke giver mening. For eksempel at man siger ja til løsninger på arbejdspladser, som helt åbenlyst ikke skaber bundlinjeresultater – og ja, understøttet af forskningen. Så nej, jeg bliver sgu da ikke uselvstændigt siddende som en hund og bliver slået. På et tidspunkt vender jeg mig lige så stille om og går min vej. Eller som jeg har prøvet flere gange i mit liv; gnaver min pote af. Og ja, jeg skal lære at kæmpe for mig selv noget mere fremover.

             

            Fordi vi er sociale væsener, har vi mennesker en evne til at tilpasse os situationer, som ikke er gode for os. Det er uafhængig af om vi er neurodivergent eller ej. Derfor skal vi lade være med at anvende forklaringsmodeller på én type mennesker, som i virkeligheden er almenmenneskelige egenskaber og adfærd.

             

            Det er smertefuldt at blive fortalt, at du er forkert.

             

            BØRN I DAG

            Rigtig mange børn oplever skoleværing i dag. De bliver identificeret som neurodivergente og får mentale udfordringer oven i.

             

            Det er ikke svært for mig at se, hvad der går galt. Jeg er mig selv meget bevidst om, at var jeg født i det samfund, vi har i dag, havde jeg ikke fem uddannelser i ryggen og de første 100 kurser og konferencer om ting og sager, man ikke vidste, det var værd at vide noget om.

             

            Der er meget fysisk kaos i skolen. Der er krav om, at vi kun kan problemløse på én måde, krav om at vi kun kan være til fysisk stede på én måde, krav om at bruge rigtig mange digitale platforme, som er super-dårligt-designet, og krav om at bevare overblikket i en kompleks verden.

             

            Når du er blot 15 år og skal læse videre, skal du have styr på, hvor du skal få penge fra, hvor du skal bo, hvordan du betaler regninger, hvordan du lever op til reglerne for uddannelse og hvor du finder gode relationer. Nogle børn og unge har forældre, som kan støtte op om den proces, andre har ikke. Dertil kommer, at de udfordret af, at de fagprofessionelle bliver undervist i et gennemsnitsmenneske med en gennemsnitsudvikling, og det gør, at børn udvikler traumer, som de tager med ind i voksenlivet.

             

            Jeg får lyst til at skrige fra bunden af mit hjerte: for helvede, det sgu ikke rimeligt! Vi snakker om børn. De er super kompetente mennesker, men du lærer sgu ikke at blive et helt menneske på 15 år.

             

            En ud af fem er neurodivergent. Halvdelen af generation Z identificerer sig helt eller delvist som neurodivergent. Det giver god mening for mig, for der er ikke én måde at sanse verdenen på, og der er ikke én måde at tænke på. Der er mange.

             

            Vi er som samfund nødt til at lære, at udvikle rummelighed over for forskellige måder, at være til i verdenen på. Vi er alle forskellige og fortjener respekt.

             

            Rabbit trail—Survival of the nurtured

            Det hedder ikke ”survival of the fittest” som stærkeste, men ”survival of the nurtured” som nærede. Mennesket er det mest ufærdige og hjælpeløse af alle dyrebørn. Vi er den art, der er længst tid afhængig af vores forældre for at overleve, og vores evne til at tænke abstrakt er først færdigudviklet i slutningen af vores 20’ere. Vi overøser vores børn med kærlighed, omsorg og beskyttelse for at sikre, at vores børn får de bedste muligheder i livet. Det gør vi, fordi at det kun er, at når vores børn er rolige – og ikke befinder i kamp eller flugt – at de kan udforske og lære. Det er, når vi er trygge og rolige, at vores sociale system fungerer, og vi trives.

             

            Af samme årsag er vi en social art, hvor social kapital er vigtig, og hvor vores evne til at connecte er essentiel for vores overlevelse og velvære. De mennesker, som udviser størst grad af compassion, varme og omsorg, klarer sig bedst. Når vi udviser compassion, varme og omsorg, får andre mennesker det bedre, samtidig med at vi selv bliver gladere og mindre udbrændte. Det er, når vi føler og set og hørt, at vi trives og ja lever længe.

             

            ET SIDSTE ORD: VI HAR ALLE BRUG FOR KÆRLIGE ØJNE

            Det er en hård rejse at lære, at jeg fawner, funster og fibber for at passe på mig selv. Og at jeg flight, freezer og flopper, så jeg ender med at løbe fra burnout (shutdown/meltdown) til burnout (shutdown/meltdown) i stede for at ”fighte” og give udtryk for mine behov og insistere på at blive set på med kærlige øjne og se andre med kærlige øjne.

             

            Vi vil alle sammen gerne være autentiske, men giver vi andre mennesker lov til at være dem selv, med alt hvad de indeholder? Og tør vi selv insistere på at være os selv sammen med mennesker, med alt hvad vi indeholder?

             

            Næste gang du oplever, at du ikke føler dig set, så ved du hvorfor: neurodivergent eller ej…

             

            Emotional intimacy is the glue that holds a relationship together.

            It can be defined as the connection and closeness between two individuals…

            that varies based on the type and quality of a relationship.

            Emotional intimacy consists of: safety, connection, trust, empathy, respect and vulnerability.

            It is the willingness to allow your partner to see and understand the parts of you

            that are raw and fragile…

            and the willingness to seek out and understand these parts of your partner.

            Emotional intimacy looks like deep conversations,

            exploring each other’s inner worlds, validation of experiences, holding space for each other’s pain…

            and reminders of, “I got you.

             

            Creation and strengthening emotional intimacy requires…

            - Emotional maturity

            - Addressing your unprocessed trauma

            - Learning how to be safe and present

            - Daily efforts that demonstrate you care

            - Showing consideration about how your behaviors impact your partner

            - Expression how much you value them

            - Managing your expectations of both your partner and your relationship

             

            – Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, Relationship & Intimacy Expert



            » Next Step, Bryd Myterne
            19 Juli 2024


            Efter en pause på tre måneder, hvor jeg har dykket ned i neurodivergens, skriver jeg om, hvordan neurodivergens er præget af myter, hvilket fører til stigmatisering. Jeg begynder fortællingen om, hvordan jeg sad i Sitges en tidlig morgen i april og fik tilbudt kokain, fordi der er mange fordomme og manglende viden. Jeg opfordrer til at bryde myterne og anerkende neurodiversitet som en naturlig del af menneskelig forskellighed.


            I april sad jeg ved stranden i Sitges i Spanien kl. 4.30 en tidlig morgen mellem en søndag og mandag og fik tilbudt kokain.

             

            Jeg var brændt sammen. Igen. Og havde brygget en skøn blanding af burnout og shutdown og toppet det hele med en meltdown, hvor min krop skreg ad mig og mit hoved lukkede ned. Og jeg endte med at gø ad alt og alle på min vej. På turen hen til meltdown havde jeg afspillet hele repertoiret af fight, flight, freze, fawn, funster og fib (skriver om det i et andet opslag). At jeg ikke havde floppet er nærmest det ottende vidunder og burde komme på WHO’s liste over bevaringsværdige seværdigheder. Inden jeg med venners hjælp fik væltet mig selv ud på en flyver til Barcelona.

             

            HVAD VAR DER SKET?

            Året før måtte jeg opgive at gå på arbejde. Igen. Jeg kunne ikke arbejde. Jeg kunne faktisk ikke engang købe ind uden at få fortalt, hvor tingene stod i supermarkedet. Skæbnen så sit snit til at slå til og samme dag, jeg lagde mig syg, var der en der sagde højt: du er autist.

             

            Jeg havde tænkt tanken i mange år, men nu hvor den var sagt højt, kunne den ikke tages tilbage. Og jeg kunne ikke længere ignorere det. Det betød også, at jeg kikkede tilbage på 8 år af mit liv, hvor jeg følte, jeg var smidt ned i en barnekiste, og arme og ben var skåret af, for at få mig til at passe ind. Jeg havde udviklet kroniske smerte og forsøgt, at få mit liv til at fungere, kun for at opdage, at jeg var gået på kompromis med mig selv… og var gået i stå; og jeg gik i stykker.

             

            HVORFOR HAVDE JEG IKKE TIDLIGERE UNDERSØGT, OM JEG VAR NEURODIVERGENT?

            Lad os være helt ærlige, der-er-absolut-intet-positivt-at-sige-om-at-være-neurodivergent. I 1998 skrev Judy Singer sin berømte afhandling "NeuroDiversity", hvor hun introducerede begrebet neurodiversitet som et opgør med det etablerede medicinske syn på autisme. Dette syn siger, at autisme blandt andet er kendetegnet ved mangel på empati, naiv og upassende ensidig interaktion, ingen evne til at forme venskaber, pedantisk, intens optaget af ét emne af særlig interesse, klodset og dårlig kropsholdning, usædvanlig stemme, tvangsoptaget af rutiner og uden evne til at sætte sig i andres sted.

             

            Det var det billede, jeg mødte, da jeg begyndte at undersøge, hvad autisme var. Og jeg spillede spillet, så selv Hamlet ikke kunne have gjort det bedre i afsløringen af hans onkel Claudius’ skyld i mordet på hans far, da jeg intet andet havde at gøre og gribe i. Det var så uskønt, som det kunne blive, og som Hamlet endte jeg med at lade mig forgifte af Laertes’ sværd og dø.

             

            Victor Klemperer skriver i bogen Det Tredje Riges Sprog: ”Ord kan virke som små doser arsenik: De sluges ubemærket, de synes ikke at have nogen virkning, men efter nogen tid viser giften sig alligevel”.

             

            Igennem livet havde jeg som den britiske olympiske OL-vinder i 4-roer Caragh McMurtry (autist): ”I molded myself” til en grad hvor ”and I lost myself.”

             

            Dr. Megan Anne Neff i psykologi skriver (AuDHD): “When we are not afforded the language of having a different neurotype, we internalize shame over our felt differences while silently pondering what is wrong with us”.

             

            HVAD ER PROBLEMET MED AT BLIVE DIAGNOSTISERET?

            Der er en kæmpe stor risiko for at blive fejldiagnostiseret, særligt for kvinder, sorte og højt maskerede mennesker, fordi vurderingen er baseret på evaluators observationer på baggrund af deres uddannelse, tidligere erfaring og bias og vurdering af om den evaluerede udviser adfærd, der sandsynligvis ligner en på autismespektret. Det er ikke en blodprøve.

             

            Og hvis du endelig bliver diagnosticeret, kan du ikke tegne en forsikring, det offentlige intervenerer oftere i familiesager, du kan ikke adoptere, der er begrænsninger ved arbejdsvisum og muligheden for at flytte til et andet land, du bliver talt ned til af sundhedsprofessionelle, og du får stadig ikke akkommoderet dine behov på en arbejdsplads. Du har ingen juridiske rettigheder.

             

            VED FORSKERNE HVAD NEURODIVERGENS ER?

            Dr. Temple Grandin (autist) skriver i bogen Visual Thinking: ”To me, it is ridiculous that adults who cannot dress themselves have the same label as people with unddiagnosed mild autism who work in Silicon Valley”.

             

            Jeg er enig. Viden om autisme og neurodivergens er baseret på forskernes fordomme. Og forskningen har været baseret på hvad forældre, lærere og læger har observeret udefra. Vi kan nemlig ikke sige noget om generne, bortset fra at vi matematisk kan regne på, at det er arveligt. Vi kan ikke sige noget om menneskets mange komplekse måder at fungere neurologisk på. Vi kan ikke sige hvad en ”normal” udvikling er. Vi kan faktisk ikke sige særlig meget – der er langt fra Star Treks outer frontier til ”moderne” forskning. Forskerne har generaliseret ud fra et fåtal af de mennesker, der skilte sig mest ud, og ud fra en teori om, hvordan vi mennesker neurologisk fungerer. Forskerne ved ikke noget om de mennesker, som allerede er på arbejdsmarkedet og for hvem livet fungerer… eller som overlever på lykkepiller.

             

            Og når vi tænker på, at der er op til 80% overlap mellem autisme og ADHD, og mange dertil har dysleksi, dyskalkuli og dyspraxi, fortæller det mig, at forskerne ikke ved, hvad de kikker på. Forskerne ved ikke, hvad der er medfødt (inherent), hvilke blandede bolsjer af symptomer der præsenterer en diagnose (present), og hvad der er tillært, fordi vi tilpasser os vores omgivelser (conditioned).

             

            Det er først nu, at forskere, der selv er neurodivergente, og som selv ved, hvordan det opleves indefra, er begyndt at spørge, hvad der sker inden i et neurodivergent menneske, set med neurodivergente briller. Og som stiller spørgsmål ved, om der overhovedet er noget, der hedder ét typisk menneske med en typisk udvikling, eller om vi simpelthen overser, at menneskets diversiteten er stor: Vi er ikke alle sammen et billede på Leonardo da Vincis Vitruvianske mand.

             

            Forskerne har overset, at mennesket er komplekst, og lige som Gøgen udvikler sig forskelligt afhængig af de kompetencer, det omgivende habitat kræver, gør menneske det lige så. Som Oliver Tonning (AuDHD) i Brinkmanns Briks nogenlunde har sagt, at da google ikke fandtes, var det smart at have en autist ved hånden, som huskede de forskellige giftige svampe fra hinanden. Autister er altså Google version 1.0.

             

            HVAD ER NEURODIVERGENS?

            Neurodivergens kan koges ned til to ting: den første er forskellen i måden, vi sanser verdenen på, og den anden er forskellen i måden, vi bearbejder informationer og lærer på, dvs. tænker. Dertil kan lægges traumer.

             

            Sanser

            Hvis jeg skal prøve at beskrive, hvordan jeg sanser verdenen, kan jeg ikke filtrere mine sanser. Jeg tager alt ind. Jeg oplever informations-overload. Jeg kan bedste beskrive det som, at pakkeposten ikke kan scanne stregkoden på pakkerne og sortere pakkerne automatisk, men er nødt til at taste samtlige stregkoden ind på hver eneste pakke og tage beslutning om dem alle sammen. Det betyder, at jo mere der foregår omkring mig, jo svære bliver det for mig at fungere. Mens jo færre ting der foregår omkring mig, jo bedre fungere jeg. Dertil er jeg sansemæssig multimodal og har synæstesi. Det vil sige, at jeg blander flere sanser sammen, som blandt andet syn og håndfladernes sanser, samt lyd og hudens taktil sans (det skrive jeg mere om en anden gang).

             

            Fordi jeg bliver sanse-overloaded, betyder det, at jeg i sociale sammenhænge er på overarbejde og altid 10 sekunder bagud. Det betyder, at jeg oplever, at dem omkring mig sidder på en strand en varm sommerdag med en longdrink, mens står jeg i en snestorm og prøver at kæmpe mig igennem uden sigtbarhed i bedste Mr. Bean-James-Bond-stil. Det betyder, jeg kan være meget intens at være i selskab med. Også for mig selv. Hvilket medfører, at mennesker ikke inviterer mig med igen. Jeg troede i mange år af samme årsag, at jeg ikke kunne finde ud af det sociale – bortset fra når jeg rejste i udlandet. Det var jeg meget ked af, for jeg nyder at være sammen med mennesker. Nu ved jeg, at det ikke er fordi, jeg er social inhabil, men at jeg ”bare” er udfordret, når der er ”mange” mennesker (der bevæger sig), mange lyde og høj musik, mange lugte, dårligt lys osv.

             

            For at fungere har jeg opdaget, at jeg har brug for at ”bevæge” mig langsomt, nedjustere mine sanseindtryk, og at jeg har brug for dekompresse for ikke at bliver overvældet. Gør jeg det, fungerer jeg langt bedre.

             

            Tanker

            Omkring min måde at tænke på, så omorganiserer min hjerne hele tiden de informationer, den får. I min barndom oplevede jeg en blanding af at være meget hurtig til at lære noget – jeg så nogle cykle og satte mig op og cyklede, da jeg var parat – eller meget langsom – jeg kunne ikke forstå opgavespørgsmålene i matematik, men jeg kunne regne stykkerne. Det kunne jeg ikke formidle til mine omgivelser og jeg endte med at sove mig igennem 2. til 7. klasse, inden jeg bestemte mig for, at jeg ikke længere ville opfattes som dum, og lærte at gøre tingene på min egen måde.

             

            Som voksen betyder det, at jeg bliver ved med at lære. Jeg har også lært at have en meget anderledes tilgang til problemløsning, da jeg ikke kan anvende de metoder, vi typisk bliver bedt om at anvende. Jeg har en evne til at blive ved, indtil jeg forstår. Det er ikke noget, jeg tænker over, det er bare noget, der sker. Det betyder, at jeg kan komme til at kede mig, hvis der ikke er en vis dybde eller energi i det, jeg laver, og de samtaler, jeg har.

             

            Faktisk tænker jeg hele tid, også uden at tænke over, at jeg gør det. Normalt har jeg ikke noget imod det, men en gang imellem bliver jeg ramt af, at jeg indsamlet informationer, som jeg ikke vidste, jeg indsamlede, før de rammer mig i nakken. Det er ubehageligt.

             

            Igen skal jeg lære at lytte til mig selv og lære, at jeg har brug dekompresse for at have mig selv med i de ting, jeg gør. Ellers får jeg ikke advokeret for mine behov og ender med at træde over mine egne grænser. Gør jeg det, fungerer jeg langt bedre.

             

            Traumer

            Nu er jeg psykoterapeut med fokus på krop, relationer og traumer, og det har vist sig at være en fordel. Undervejs på mine rejser begyndte jeg nemlig at undre mig igennem de mange samtaler, jeg har havde med mennesker, at de reaktioner, som blev tillagt autisme og ADHD, ikke var særlige neurodivergente træk, men almenmenneskelige udtryk på overbelastning.

             

            Siden barnsben har jeg levet et live med hverdagens små pålidelige gentagelser om, at mange af de ting, jeg gør, er forkerte, at jeg er blevet forkert. Jeg lærte at maskere. I et forsøg på at undgå at blive gjort forkert som barn, blev jeg så konfliktsky som voksen, at jeg fawnede, funstede og fibbede – pinefuldt at skrive, da jeg oplever mig selv som meget selvstændig og stærk – at jeg endte med at skabe mine egne konflikter, fordi jeg ikke fik italesat mine behov, men opfylde andres – og derfor ende med ikke at opfylde nogle som helst behov.

             

            Når neurodivergente mennesker oplever gentagende burnouts, shutdowns og meltdowns, og får ødelagt kroppen, skyldes det ikke, at de er neurodivergente, det skyldes, at de bliver bedt om at gøre ting på en måde, som ikke passer til deres ”natur”. Deres udfordringer er menneskeskabte. De bliver billedlig talt bedt om at skrive med højre hånd, selvom de er venstrehåndet. Det betyder, at den adfærd øjet ser udefra, ikke skyldes neurodivergens, men er traumereaktioner, fordi de er kronisk stressede og hele tiden er parate til at få på puklen.

             

            Mennesker, der har haft piskesmæld, hjernerystelse, oplever ekstrem stress eller har livskriser, oplever de samme traumereaktioner, så det er almenmenneskelige reaktioner.

             

            Alle mennesker, der bliver udsat for urimeligt stress, pres og modgang, bryder sammen. Og rigtig mange af de neurodivergente mennesker, jeg har mødt, klarer udfordringer langt udover, hvad de fleste mennesker kan klare. Særligt Momy Seals er uovertrufne og får enhver Navy Seal til at ligne amatører. Og når det sker, af neurodivergente bukker under, peger folk fingre af dem og siger ”det kan du vist ikke klare, du er ikke stærk nok” og de får stemplet ”lost it”.

             

            Caragh McMurtry siger i interviewet til Matt i The Dyslexia Life Hacks Show: “I genuinely thought I was stupid. No one said it directly to my face, but from the looks that you get, the way you are treated, the way you are talked to, I really think people thought I was thick, and it made me think that I was too.”

             

            Jeg sagde det aldrig højt til mig selv, fordi jeg ikke kunne lave det, jeg gjorder, hvis jeg stoppede op og tænkte over alle de ting, jeg oplevede. Men da jeg endelig stoppede op og tænkte over, at jeg var neurodivergent, blev jeg ramt i nakken af glemte hændelser, som jeg møjsommeligt havde puttet ned i små fine bokse og parkeret dybt nede i min bevidsthed. Det har derfor også være en overvældende proces det sidste års tid, da der er rigtig meget internaliseret skam, ingen positive forbilleder, og ingen af støtte sig op ad.

             

            Dem, der kender mig, ved, hvor stærk jeg er. Dem, der ikke gør, kalder mig håbløs og naiv, og for direkte (blunt) og højtgrinene – de kalder mig forkert. Denne dobbelthed mellem naiv og blunt har altid forvirret mig, for om nogle ved jeg, hvad livet er gjort af, når det er smertefuldt, og jeg har derfor stor rummelighed overfor det hos andre. Men samtidig kan jeg godt se, hvorfor modsætningen opstår, for jeg har fawned, funsted og fibbet livet igennem, når jeg er blevet usikker, og det gør, at jeg fremstår jeg naiv og blunt.

             

            Jeg tror ærlig talt aldrig, at nogen har mødt hele mig, fordi jeg har lært, at jeg ikke er ok, som jeg er, og derfor holder igen på mig selv. Jeg er ikke engang sikker på, at jeg har mødt mig selv, fordi jeg ikke er blevet set igennem et andet menneskes øjne igennem et helt liv. – Jeg skal først til at lære, hvem jeg er, når jeg ikke maskerer og opfører mig autentisk.

             

            VI HAR ALLE BRUG FOR FORBILLEDER

            Caragh McMurtry siger i interviewet til Matt i The Dyslexia Life Hacks Show: “I wish I have had role models”.

             

            Jeg har aldrig haft dem. Og dem der var, kunne jeg ikke spejle mig i. Så særligt i de sidste tre måneder har jeg gravet internettet rundt som en anden muldvarp for at lede efter mennesker med stærke ressourcer, som ikke køber ind på det negative syn på neurodivergens, og som er positive forbilleder.


            Udlandet er langt foran Danmark med neurodiversitetsbevægelsen, og blandt andet Caragh McMurtry er fantastisk, da hun bryder med alle myterne. Hun kæmpede for at bliver blandt verdens bedste 4-roere, samtidig med at hun mødte modgang på grund af fejldiagnostisering og fordomme i sine bestræbelser på at få lov til at yde sit absolutte bedste.


            Jeg har altid tænkt om mig selv, at jeg har et mindset som en professionel sportsudøver. Jeg har samlet mig selv op så mange gange, at jeg ikke har tal på det, at jeg næsten kan få det sådan, når folk siger, at livet er svært, at jeg tænker: ”Pull your socs up”.


            BRYD MYTERNE

            Som krops- og psykoterapeut vil jeg vove den påstand, at ingen af de fordomme, som forskerne har stillet op omkring neurodivergens, holder. Efter at have snakket med gud og hver mand, er jeg kommet frem til, at alt af det, jeg ser, er almenmenneskeligt. Neurodivergente stikker mere ud i forhold til den Vitruvianske mand, men skåret ind til benet, er vi først som sidst sansende og tænkende væsener. Alt det neurodivergente oplever, oplever mennesker, som er mindre divergente også; det er ”bare” mindre overvældende. Når vi fortæller hinanden myter – mig selv inklusiv – om hvad neurodivergens er, stigmatiserer vi os selv og hinanden. Og når vi stigmatiserer hinanden, mister vi empati, medfølelse og respekt, og giver os selv og hinanden ”tilladelse” til at kalde den anden usympatisk.

             

            For få uger siden var jeg ude og gå en tur, hvor jeg stoppede et sted og drak en kaffe, som blev serveret af en charmerende ung mand. Det var meget varmt, og den unge mand stillede noget vand og mindede mig flere gange om, at jeg skulle huske at drikke det. Vi faldt i snak over den bog, jeg læste, og han fortalte, at han var autist. Han nævnte, at han havde fået at vide, at han ikke kunne føle sympati, fordi han var autist, og han viste stor forståelse for dem, der havde sagt det til ham. Jeg var grædefærdig. Hvem fa’en fortæller et barn og ung mand, at han ikke kan føle noget for sine medmennesker? Der er fanme ikke mange neurotypiske mennesker, som jeg har mødt, som kan det. Jeg er blevet mobbet og gaslighted nok i livet på danske arbejdspladser til at vide, at der ikke er mange mennesker, som viser sympati for deres medmennesker.

             

            Hjælp til med at modsige myterne. Fanger du mig i en, så send mig tilbage til tegnebordet.

             

            PS: HVAD GØR DU, HVIS DU MØDER ET MENNESKE MED EN NEDSMELTNING?

            Hvis du nogle sinde står over for et menneske, som er i en nedsmeltning, så skab et rum af sikkerhed og lad vær med at dømme. Hvad jeg har lært de sidste måneder efter at have snakket med rigtig mange mennesker i Spanien, Schweitz og Tyskland, som har været en tur igennem livet som mig med/uden neurodivergens, er;

             

            hold om og hold af.



            » Årets Fødselsdagsbrev:

            51 år og nu Neurodivergent Aktivist på Jagten efter Autencitet

            28 April 2024


            Jeg er neurodivergent. Fra mine tidligste erindringer som treårig har det stået klart for mig, at jeg tænkte, talte og handlede anderledes. Alligevel opsøgte aldrig en diagnose, da den var fyldt med fordomme, som dikterede, hvordan jeg burde føle og opføre mig, ting jeg ikke kunne genkende; jeg var ikke en dreng, der kunne lide nummerplader.

             

            I de seneste uger har jeg været i Barcelona og Sitges for at grave ned i forskningen om, hvad det betyder at være mig, når jeg ser på mig selv med neurodivergente briller. Jeg har skullet skrive hele min livshistorie om igen, og for første gang giver den mening.

             

            Så her er mit fødselsdagskort, med fokus på neurodivergent, arbejdeliv, personligt liv og fremtid.

             

            HVAD ER NEURODIVERGENT?

            Det korte svar er, at det ved forskningen ikke. Jep, det er meget kontant. Forskningen har været ledet af en forestilling om, at der kun findes én måde at tænke på. Det er ikke korrekt. Der findes mange komplementære måder at tænke på udover det, vi forstår som den neurotypiske tænkemåde: autisme, adhd, dyslexia, hyperlexia, dyspraxia og mange endnu.

             

            Vi er blevet ledt til at tro, at hjernen behandler informationer i forskellige centre i hjernen for til sidst at danne et sammenhængende billede. Det er ikke tilfældet. Hjernen bearbejder informationer på kryds og tværs af krop og hjerne og sammensætter det på en måde, der resulterer i, at vi ikke oplever verden på samme måde, hvilket fører til forskellige løsninger på samme problem. Vores måde at tænke på er lige så forskellige som et fingeraftryk.

             

            Krop og sanseintegration

            Jeg er ekstremt sansesensitiv, en karakteristik, der går igen hos de fleste neurodivergente mennesker. Alle mine sanser er konstant overstimuleret, fordi min krop og hjerne skal forholde sig til en masse informationer på én gang. Det kan gøre fysisk ondt i kroppen, og hvis jeg bliver følelsesmæssigt påvirket, får jeg stærke fysiske smerter. Sensitiviteten påvirker mit nervesystem, min søvn og min fordøjelse.

             

            Lidt nørden omkring min sanseintegration

            Min moro-refleks, også kaldet ‘forskrækkelsesrefleksen’, en primitiv refleks, som man almindeligvis vokser fra i løbet af de første seks måneder, er ikke fuldt udviklet hos mig. Jeg hopper fem meter op i luften, hvis nogen ringer med en ringeklokke. Det betyder, at jeg har et konstant forhøjet stressniveau i min krop.

             

            Jeg har udfordringer med balancesansen, som sammen med mit syn skal sikre, at jeg har en stabil koordination af min krop i forhold til mine omgivelser. Det betyder, at når jeg eller andre bevæger sig uhensigtsmæssigt, påvirker det mig i lang tid efter. Det kan sidde i kroppen op til 23 timer efter en oplevelse. For eksempel bliver jeg dårlig af at se andre køre i karrusel. Hvilket også forklarer, hvorfor jeg er en forfærdelig dårlig danser, hvor man skal dreje rundt om sig selv eller hinanden - undskyld:D

             

            Da jeg har en visuel-spatial evne til mønstergenkendelse, spiller det hele sammen med min motoriske koordination, hvilket påvirker min muskeltonus, hvor jeg som ofte spænder for meget i forhold til behovet. Og så har jeg dertil har konceptuel synæstesi, som forstærker mine sanseoplevelser.

             

            Samlet set bliver jeg stærkt sansemæssigt overstimuleret af at befinde mig steder, hvor alt bevæger sig. På en arbejdsplads betyder det, at jeg ikke kan sidde i storrumskontor, da det føles som om, min krop befinder sig i høj bølgegang som et skib på vandet.

             

            Den proprioceptive sans (kropsbevidsthed) er derimod veludviklet. Når jeg bruger den til at løfte, trække eller skubbe noget meget tungt, stabiliserer det min krop, og mine muskler og bindevæv slapper af - vel og mærket hvis jeg ikke er omgivet af mange mennesker, der bevæger sig hele tiden - og her er et tastatur ikke tungt nok.

             

            Det har altid været en udfordring, som jeg ikke har tænkt over før nu, men efter jeg fik højt stofskifte, blev sårbarheden væsentligt mere fremtrædende.

             

            Hjerne og tænkestil

            Jeg ser sammenhænge mellem forskellige uafhængige systemer og hvordan de påvirker hinanden. Jeg har en særlig evne til visuel-spatial, social og verbal mønstergenkendelse. Jeg har en dyb evne til at føle empati og compassion og reagere intuitivt, når nogle er i distress. Derudover kan jeg hyperfokusere og grave mig dybt ned i et hvilket som helst emne, jeg finder meningsfuldt. Og så har jeg konceptuel synæstesi, hvor jeg oplever taktile sansninger og bevægelser, når jeg har idéer og tanker. Dette gør, at jeg oplever systemsammenhænge, som meget konkrete sansninger, som jeg rent faktisk rører ved det med hænderne og flytter på.

             

            Der er stadig meget viden, jeg skal grave frem, og jeg tænker, at jeg har 50-60% autistisk træk, 30% ADHD træk og formodentligt 10-20% noget andet. De neurodivergente kategorier er nemlig ikke klart afgrænset fra naturens side. For eksempel har op til 80% af mennesker med autisme også ADHD. Og med det at være neurodivergent og maskere følger risikoen for kompleks PTSD.

             

            Forskningen er stadig fyldt med fordomme, men jo flere neurodivergente mennesker der står frem og selv bidrager som forskere, jo mere vil vores forståelse af, hvad det vil sige at være menneske udvikle sig.

             

            ARBEJDE

            Jeg har altid sagt, at jeg kunne nå det hele på den hele tid og stadig lave det samme som mine kollegaer. Det er nu støttet af forskningen.

             

            Jeg er 48% mere effektiv og 140% mere produktiv end en neurotypisk person.

             

            Men hvad er det, en neurotypisk og en neurodivergent hver især bidrager med?

             

            Styrken ved den neurotypiske tankestil er, at den gennem den sociale transmissionsproces finder kompromiser på løsninger i grupper, fordi den prioriterer social status i hierarkier over informationer. Udfordringen ved tankestilen er, at den er underlagt bias om, hvordan verdenen se ud. Det betyder, at en neurotypiske person i 74% af tilfældene vil komme frem til en åbenlys forkert konklusion, når der er den mindste risiko for at blive udstødt fra gruppen.

             

            Styrken ved den autistiske tankestil er, at den vælger de objektive og rationelle løsninger, da den laver færre fortolkninger af informationer og derfor leverer originale løsninger på problemer. Udfordringen ved tankestilen er, at den er mindre modtagelig over for socialt pres, når der skal findes løsninger på problemer. Det betyder, at den sætter sin egen sociale status over styr for at sikre gruppen størst mulig succes.

             

            Styrken ved ADHD tankestilen er, at den får masser af gode ideer og har et højt energiniveau. Udfordringen ved tankestilen er, at den ikke altid får afsluttet opgaverne.

             

            Forskningen viser, at en virksomhed med psykologisk tryghed, hvor der er overensstemmelse mellem værdier og adfærd, og hvor der er plads til forskellige tankestile, leverer langt bedre resultater end virksomheder, som består af en homogen gruppe af mennesker.

             

            En fordom ved autister er, at de kan lide repetitivt arbejde, hvor de leverer de samme løsninger hele tiden. Det er ikke tilfældet. Autister elsker at finde nye informationer, der kan effektivisere og optimere løsninger. Netop derfor bryder de sig ikke om at blive bombarderet med irrelevante oplysninger, der ikke fører til bedre løsninger. Autisters hjerner er nemlig designet til at finde fejl og løsninger på problemer.

             

            En fordom ved ADHD’ere er, at de ikke kan afslutte opgaver. Det er ikke tilfældet. ADHD-hjerner er designet til at få gode idéer og til at arbejde koncentreret i korte intense sprint.

             

            Og for autister og adhd’ere gælder det, at da kroppen og hjernen nu engang ikke hensynsfuldt bearbejder informationer i små selvstændige lukkede kredsløb, betyder det også, at de konstant er sansemæssigt overstimuleret. For alle mennesker gælder, at vores erkendelse af verdenen sker igennem sanserne, og det udfordrer særligt autister og ADHD’ere.

             

            For mit vedkommende leverer jeg nye løsninger ved konstant at effektiviserer dem. Jeg kan grundlæggende ikke holde ud at arbejde med dovne løsninger. Jeg får det helt konkret fysisk dårligt. Jeg leverer resultater ved at skabe sammenhæng mellem mange forskellige menneskers fagligheder, så hvert enkeltes faglige ekspertise kommer i spil. I modsætning til hvad mange kan tænke, så er det altså ikke mig, der laver løsningen, det er verdenen ganske enkelt for kompleks til i dag med AI. Jeg sikrer mig i stedet, at gruppen leverer de bedste løsninger.

             

            Kommunikation

            Jeg er en super god kommunikatør i arbejdssammenhænge. Jeg er god til at vurdere forskellige målgruppers forskelligartede behov i stedet for at antage, at vi alle er ens. Dette gør, at jeg imødekommer konflikter ved at tage højde for modtagerens oplevelse for at øge produktiviteten. 

             

            Desværre oplever jeg også, at ubevidste kognitive bias hos neurotypiske, såsom bekræftelsesbias, ankringsbias, in-gruppen bias og halo effekt, gør det svært at etablere tværfagligt samarbejde i virksomheder. Det ærgrer mig, da jeg virkelig ville ønske, jeg kunne være mere ligeglad.

             

            PERSONLIGT

            Jeg er 50% ekstrovert og kan lide mennesker. Og når jeg føler mig tryg, nyder jeg menneskeligt selskab. Mennesker får mig til at smile. Føler jeg mig utryg, bliver jeg anspændt og trækker mig ind i mig selv.

             

            Socialt

            Jeg er udfordret på det sociale plan, da jeg ikke forstår den sociale transmissionsproces - altså hvordan vi fravælger mennesker baseret på deres måde at bevæge sig på, frisure og tøj.

             

            Samtidig kan jeg sagtens se, når folk handler efter de sociale hierarkier for at blive inkluderet og undgå at blive ekskluderet. Jeg forstår det. Jeg ved, hvor smertefuldt det er at blive ekskluderet. Det har jeg oplevet hele mit liv.

             

            Men jeg forstår ikke helt, hvorfor mennesker fravælger andre baseret på deres måde at bevæge sig på, frisure og tøj. Det, jeg dog godt forstår, er, at vi tiltrækkes af og vælger at være sammen med mennesker, hvor vi føler, at vi kan opbygge en connection og har positive gensidige oplevelser. Det gør jeg også.

             

            Samtidig er jeg socialt kompetent, da jeg har færre fordomme omkring mennesker, hvilket giver mig et mere åbent sind, der gør mig i stand til at indgå i samtaler og samarbejde med mange forskellige mennesker.

             

            Køn og seksualitet

            Jeg har altid følt, at jeg blev set på som forkert kvinde, forkert mand, havde forkert kropsdysfori, var forkert lesbisk, forkert bi, havde forkert kønsudtryk, forkert følelse af feminin og maskulin, forkert seksualitet, forkert seksuel praksis - forkert. Og jeg har altid følt mig presset af andre til at skulle vælge et eller flere mærkater til at definere mig. Men det får mig til at føle mig dårligt tilpas. Jeg lægger selvfølgelig mærke til, at jeg bliver fravalgt alene på den måde, jeg ser ud på, og om jeg opfører mig på en måde, der passer til det kønsudtryk, folk tillægger mig.

             

            Det føles, som om folk tænker, at når jeg har et maskulint udtryk, så spiller vi “du er betjent”, og når jeg har et feminint udtryk, så spiller vi “du er sygeplejerske”, og så køre folk et sæt jokere afsted, som i et spil kort, som er fuldstændigt uforståeligt for mig, baseret hvordan “man” forventes at opfører sig som menneske, når man ser ud på en bestemt måde. I stedet for at tage en samtale med mig. Det betyder, at jeg oplever, at folk sjældent bestræber sig på at møde mig, men alene forestillingen om mig, som jeg så skal bruge uanede mængder af energi på at segmentere ikke er tilfældet. Og når det sker, kommer jeg til at maskere, fordi jeg bliver overvældet.

             

            Og det er pisse træls, for jeg er faktisk glad for den, jeg er.

             

            Jeg har det som Hannah Gadsby: ”I’m gender surprise.” Get over it.

             

            Fordelen ved at jeg tænker neurodivergent er, at jeg ikke er underlagt samme rammer for, hvad der er socialt anerkendt. Jeg har dog aldrig dyrket det, da jeg hele tiden har følt mig forkert.

             

            Jeg tillægger ikke valg at tøj og frisure et køn og dermed heller ikke en adfærd, hvor jeg kan anvende et specifikt sæt spilleregler. Jeg kan vælge tøj en dag, som nogle vil sige får dem til at føle sig feminine, mens de andre dage vil vælge tøj, som får dem til at føle sig maskuline. Den følelsesmæssige oplevelse har jeg ganske enkelt ikke. Jeg kan bare godt lide mennesker og sex. Jeg kan lide den skiftende sansning af kraft, blødhed og intensitet. Jeg kan høre, hvad folk siger, men jeg føler det ikke selv. Jeg elsker bare sansningen i min krop.

             

            For tiden er jeg ved at undersøge, hvordan jeg har lyst til at se ud, hvis jeg skider højt og flot på hvad folk tillægger af værdi på baggrund af mit ydre udtryk. Den anden dag havde jeg tøj på, som en bøsse ville klæde sig i, inklusiv en binder. Hold da op, hvor fik jeg mange blikke fra ”the Bears”. De ville dog blevet slemt skuffede, hvis de havde fået fingrene i mig; no pack.

             

            Paradokset ved forsøget er, at jeg godt ved, hvordan jeg skal tolke andres valg af tøj, frisure og valg af bevægelser og ansigtsmimik i en social kontekst. Men det er en akademisk øvelse for mig, hvor jeg opfatter folks valg ud fra en stammetanke, dvs. hvor ens eller forskellige mennesker ser ud og opfører sig.

             

            Det betyder også, at jeg faktisk ikke ved, hvordan jeg bliver set på udefra, fordi jeg ikke er i stand til at tillægge mit eget udseende og adfærd et køn og en seksualitet. Jeg tænker, det hænger sammen med min konceptuelle synæstesi, hvor jeg oplever verdenen som taktile sansninger og bevægelser, ikke sociale spilleregler.

             

            Men fordi jeg trods alt ved, at jeg skiller mig ud, vil jeg måske også gerne skille mig endnu mere ud, så ingen bliver i tvivl om, at jeg er mig.

             

            Samtaler

            Jeg orker ikke samtaler, hvor formålet er at opnå social anerkendelse. Jeg får ondt i maven og kvalme. Jeg elsker til gengæld at tale om hvordan mennesker oplever verdenen og deres passion.

             

            Kropskontakt

            Der er store fordomme om, at autister ikke kan lide kropskontakt. Forkert. Ja, jeg er stærkt sansesensitiv, og hold da op, hvor jeg elsker et kvalitetskram. Faktisk sover jeg bedre, når jeg har fået mange kram.

             

            Det har vist sig igennem mit liv, at fordelen ved min sansesensitivitet er, at jeg er god til at forstå verdenen igennem kroppen; jeg har muskulær empati. Det betyder også, at jeg læser andre menneskers nervesystemer rigtigt godt. Det har dog den bagside, at det gør mig helt utrolig træt. Jeg tænker, at det formodentligt hænger sammen med min konceptuelle synæstesi, hvor viden, berøring og bevægelse følges ad - forresten helt ny viden for mig selv.

             

            Faktisk lærte jeg under mit ophold i Barcelona, hvor jeg mistede min mobil to gange, at måden, jeg huskede, hvor jeg sidste havde set den, var ved at min krop kunne huske den taktile sansning af mobilen og hvor jeg stod placeret i forhold til væggene i et rum, da jeg lagde mobilen fra mig.

             

            Maskering

            Som en overlevelsesstrategi har jeg maskeret hele livet. Jeg er ked af at sige det, men neurotypiske menneskers udøvelse af sociale spilleregler er brutal. 94% af neurodivergente mennesker oplever at blive mobbet, også når folk ikke ved, at de er neurodivergente.

             

            Det gør, at jeg er kronisk overstimuleret og overbelastet. Og at jeg må konstatere, at de mange kompromiser i livet, har givet mig kompleks PTSD, hvilket grundlæggende set betyder, at jeg er blevet overvældet for meget og for længe i sådan en grad, at jeg har et mindre fleksibelt nervesystem. Derfor oplever jeg flere shutdowns, og for nyligt oplevede jeg et meltdown, hvilket er årsagen til at jeg skriver mit fødselsdagskort i Barcelona og Sitges. Noget, jeg kun har oplevet én gange før i mit voksenliv, hvor jeg mistede talens evne i London City Airport, fordi mit fly blev aflyst - men den historie kan i læse på min blog.

             

            TIDEN FØR MELTDOWN

            Jeg tænkte, før jeg tog til Barcelona, at jeg havde en autistisk burnout, og det kan man godt sige, men i virkeligheden er jeg “bare” udbrændt som følger af mange års overbelastning og maskering.

             

            I 2016 blev jeg syg med højt stofskifte, udløst af to års kronisk stress, der fik min krop til at bryde sammen, fordi jeg forsøgte at løse en catch22 på en arbejdsplads, hvor ledelsen, der havde bestilt opgaven, ikke selv var forandringsparate.

             

            Det høje stofskifte fik mit bindevæv til at stivne i hele kroppen, men særligt brystkassen og hovedet blev hårdt ramt, og jeg fik massive smerter, der gjorde at jeg ikke sov særligt meget i mange år.

             

            I årene efter arbejdede jeg på en arbejdsplads, hvor jeg blev udsat for gaslightning i to et halvt år. 

             

            Jeg boede i en andelsforening, hvor beboerne gaslightede bestyrelsen og hinanden, og jeg følte mig hjælpeløs i forhold til, at vi ikke havde hinandens ryg, og vi ikke havde kompetencerne til at beskytte vores medarbejder bedre. Derudover var der så lydt, at jeg kunne høre naboens samtaler ord for ord. Alt dette gjorde, at jeg til sidst måtte tage beslutningen at komme ud af bygningen, før jeg slet ikke var i stand til at komme ud af sengen om morgenen, selvom det var en økonomisk beslutning, der ville koste mig dyrt.

             

            Samtidig tog jeg en psykoterapeutisk uddannelse og begyndte en master i retorik.

             

            Jeg skiftede jeg job flere gange for at finde et sted, hvor jeg kunne få lov til at være mig under de betingelser, jeg kunne fungere under. Og i forbindelse med det seneste jobskifte endte jeg endnu engang et job, hvor jeg syntes, jeg havde gjort det klart til samtalen, at jeg var meget innovativ og ikke var god til rutineopgaver. Jeg brugte næsten halvandet år på at kæmpe med jobbet, hvilket brændte mig endnu mere ud.

             

            Imens boede jeg forskellige steder, før jeg ved et tilfælde fandt en lejlighed.

             

            Samtidig måtte jeg kæmpe formålsløst for at få hjælp til mine smerter hos min læge. Jeg måtte hoppe fra behandler til behandler, betalt med mine egne penge, indtil jeg fandt en løsning, der fik mine kroniske smerter til at forsvinde – hvis jeg altså ikke overbelaster mig selv.

             

            Jeg elsker at træne og motionere. Det er kernen af, hvem jeg er. Jeg har dog langsomt måttet acceptere, at jeg ikke kan træne, efter jeg havde højt stofskifte, da det overbelaster min krop. Det gør mig ked af det, for jeg elsker sansningen i min krop, når jeg er veltrænet. Derudover har jeg været nødt til at acceptere, at jeg er nødt til at gå to til tre timer næsten hver dag, for at stabilisere min krop.

             

            Jeg var også omgivet af relationer, hvor jeg ikke fik taget stilling til, hvilke typer relationer jeg ønskede i mit liv, og lod folk flyde ind og ud uden at tænke nærmere over det, samt kæmpede for meget med nogle og for lidt for andre.

             

            Desværre har jeg været ramt så længe, at min krop på nuværende tidspunkt bliver overstimuleret af det mindste, og jeg har udviklet kompleks PTSD, fordi jeg har været udsat for for mange “dagligdags” udfordringer for længe – udfordringer, som ikke er særlig dagligdags.

             

            Det blev klart for mig i Sitges, hvor udfordret jeg er. Jeg kunne ikke finde mine sko på hotellet og gik i panik over, om de var blevet stjålet, hvilket jeg udtrykte over for personalet. Jeg tror andre kunne sammenligne det med at se et barn bliver kørt ned; sådan reagerede min krop. Ja, det er en voldsom kropslig reaktion, som også overraskede mig. Jeg vidst godt, at min krop ikke fungerede, som den skulle, men jeg ville ikke erkende det. Og nu kommer til at forholde mig til, at jeg ikke kan klare at løse det selv og lære at spørge om hjælp.

             

            I de sidste otte måneder har jeg været væk fra en arbejdsplads, indtil jeg blev fyret, fordi jeg ikke kunne få opfyldt de betingelser, som jeg meget eksplicit bad om, der kunne have fået mig til at fungere. Samtidig skulle jeg håndtere et jobcenter, hvor jeg ikke havde overskud til at kæmpe, fordi det krævede, at jeg skulle spørge rigtig mange mennesker om hjælp, til noget jeg endnu ikke selv forstod, ikke havde en diagnose på, og ikke ville få de næste par år.

             

            Samtidig måtte jeg forholde mig til, på egen hånd, at jeg lå på autismespektret, hvor jeg oplevede, at der absolut ikke var noget positivt at sige om en autist. Der er til gengæld rigtig mange af fordomme og forestillinger, fordi den eneste type der officielt findes, er den stereotypiske autist, hvilket trak mig ned under vandet, og jeg forsvandt fra mig selv. Jeg vidste dog, at det ikke gjaldt for mig, for ellers havde jeg ikke kunnet gøre alt det, jeg havde gjort.

             

            Det blev derfor vigtigt for mig at finde frem til ressourcerne i at være autist og ADHD, så jeg måtte grave mig ned i en forskning, som er fyldt med fordomme. Jeg faldt over Dr. Maureen Dunne, som udgav en bog i marts i år, som har en ressourceorienteret tilgang til hvad det vil sige at være neurodivergent. Oveni alt dette måtte jeg forholde mig til, at mine ressourcer havde ændret sig på grund af mange års overbelastning.

             

            Jeg har lært, at maskeringen har kostet mig rigtig dyrt. En person, som har kendt mig i 25 år, fortalte mig, at jeg for 25 år siden kunne blive en helt anden, når jeg var sammen med mere end ét menneske. De kunne også fortælle mig, at jeg i dag er væsentligt mere afslappet, når jeg vel og mærket er sammen med mennesker, som jeg føler mig tryg ved og som kender mig - jeg er mest autentisk, når jeg er omgivet af autentiske mennesker.

             

            Selvom jeg for det meste undgik at blive mobbet igennem min skoletid, så har det at trække mig fra mennesker for at undgå det haft store konsekvenser. Jeg troede, at det var min opvækst i underklassen, der gjorde, at jeg maskerede i sådan en grad, at mennesker helt konkret kunne opleve, at jeg blev usynlig, mens jeg stod foran dem. Men det var ikke tilfældet; det var min frygt for at blive mobbet og ekskluderet fra flokken, som jeg egentlig bare så gerne ville være med i.

             

            Samlet set er det ikke så underligt, at jeg, som i London City Airport, oplevede at få en nedsmeltning, da jeg så skiltene med “flight cancled”.

             

            Når jeg ser tilbage, kan jeg se, at jeg har været alt for god til at holde næsen i sporet og har glemt at kigge op og tænke over, om der overhovedet er en rimelig overensstemmelse mellem det, jeg oplever i min krop, og de situationer jeg befinder mig i. Det klare svar er, jeg tog alt for meget på mig, om at det sgu nok var mig, der havde misforstået alting, så jeg aldrig fik sagt til eller fra. Jeg fik aldrig italesat mine behov i min bestræbelse på at være det ordentlige menneske, som jeg har fået at vide hele mit liv, at jeg ikke er.

             

            Jeg er loyal og pligtopfyldende og en uddømmende lytter - autisten - og latterlig nysgerrig, innovativ og ekstrovert - adhd’eren - og så er der mig - den ”normale”. Og jeg elsker alle siderne af mig selv. I processen med at skal lære at fjerne min maskering, skal jeg leve efter mine værdier, siger de sendiagnostiserede AuDHD’er, som har gjort det før mig. Og jeg kan mærke, at jeg skal lære ikke at investere i mennesker i mit privatliv eller i job, som ikke er pligtopfyldende og lyttende, nysgerrige og udtømmende lige som mig, for det har slidt mig op at kæmpe så hårdt. Det slider mig op, ikke at være sammen med mennesker, der ikke øver sig i at være autentiske - så nu starter jeg med mig selv, og fjerner maskeringen.

             

            FREMTID

            Jeg har både været sårbar og helt utrolig robust hele mit liv, ellers ville jeg aldrig kunne have gjort de ting, jeg har.

             

            Måske netop af den grund har jeg siden jeg var barn brugt tid på at undersøge, hvad det betyder at være menneske og hvordan kroppen og hjernen fungerer i samspil med sine omgivelser. 

             

            Jeg ved ikke, hvor mit arbejdsliv tager mig hen. Men som en sagde til mig på et netværksmøde for nylig: ”You are what you do.”

             

            Så nu vender jeg min faglighed om fra økonom til psykoterepeut.

             

            Jeg er psykoterapeut med fokus på neurovidenskab, dvs. hvordan kroppen og sindet og virker i en social kontekst, og så er jeg cand.polit. med fokus programteori, dvs. hvor vi kigger på hvilke handlinger, der kan skabe hvilke forandringer. I fremtiden har jeg bestemt mig for, at jeg gerne vil arbejde, så jeg skaber bedre viden om hvad neurodivergens betyder, så vi får smidt de mange fordomme ud og skabt et samfund, hvor der er plads til alle.

             

            Det er nemlig ikke kun de unge, der bliver diagnosticeret i disse år, det gør alle aldersgrupper. Og det synes jeg efterlader stof til eftertanke, for hvad er det for et samfund, vi har skabt, hvor mennesker bliver syge af ikke at måtte være dem selv, hvor mennesker ikke må være autentiske.

             

            Selvom min rejse til Barcelona på ingen måder ikke forløb som ventet, så endte jeg præcis hvor jeg skulle; på vej hjem til mig selv. Der er dog ingen tvivl om at mit næste år byder på en meget hård rejse for at komme hele vejen i mine mål både på den personlige og faglige front - noget jeg lærte af et helt fantastisk par i Sitges, som ligesom mig, var stukket af for af finde dem selv og hinanden. Dertil har jeg mange ubevidste negative fordomme om autisme og adhd, som jeg skal have skrabet af - jeg skal vænne mig til, at jeg som RGB skal undervise folk i hvad det betyder at være en helt almindelig neurodivergent. 

             

            Men for en gangs skyld er jeg ikke vred hele tiden, som jeg har været de senere år, fordi jeg nu endelig forstår, at ja, jeg skiller mig ud, når jeg bare er mig.

             

            April er ’World Autism Awareness Month’. En ud af fem er neurodivergente, og halvdelen af Generation Z, født mellem 1995 og 2012, definerer sig selv som helt eller delvist nerodivergent, så kig rundt på dine venner, bekendte, naboer og kollegaer og hver opmærksom på, at hvis du har mødt en neurodivergent, så har du kun mødt en. På samme måde, som har du mødt en neurotypisk, så har du kun mødt en, for det handler først som sidst om personlighed og de valg, vi vælger at tage i livet. Og for at sætte perspektiv på, så er der noget der tyder på, at der er en overrepræsentation af neurodivergente i ledelseslag, blandt millionærer og nobelprismodtagere - de gemmer sig for øjnene af dig;)



            » Undersøgelse af Gaslighting og Eksklusion i LGBT+ Miljøet


            Jeg skriver om, hvor ubehageligt jeg oplever LGBT-miljøet. Dertil undersøger jeg årsagerne bag, hvorfor små samfund ekskluderer mennesker, samt sætter spørgsmålstegn ved, hvorfor LGBT-miljøet skal være så ekskluderende. Til sidst opfordrer jeg til inklusion og accept af mangfoldighed og autensitet i LGBT-miljøet.


            Jeg tror, at det er lige så kontroversielt at sige, som når Hanna Gadsby i sit show “Nanette” lavede grin med, at man ikke kan få lesbiske til at grine: “What sort of comedian can’t even make the lesbians laugh? Every comedian ever. That’s a good joke, isn’t it? Classic. It’s bulletproof, too. Very clever, because it’s funny… because it’s true”.

             

            En af de ting, jeg ville undersøge, mens jeg var i Barcelona, var, hvorfor jeg altid føler mig forkert i LGBT-miljøet, som om nogle steder burde det være et sted, hvor jeg burde føle mig allermest inkluderet. Men det gør jeg ikke. Det er faktisk det sted, jeg føler mig allermest ekskluderet fra. Jeg har kun været på én arbejdsplads, hvor jeg har følt, at jeg har befundet mig i et lige så giftigt (toxic) miljø som LGBT-miljøet.

             

            Der er ikke et miljø som LGBT-miljøet, som kan få mig til at føle, at jeg går fra en IQ på 130 til at føle, at jeg skal have hjælp til at komme i tøjet om morgenen. Som fortæller mig, at jeg har det forkerte køn, det forkerte kønsudtryk, den forkerte seksualitet, den forkerte adfærd i forhold til køn, kønsudtryk og seksualitet. Som fortæller mig, at jeg er et forkert menneske. Der er ikke noget miljø, som LGBT-miljøet, som i den grad tager min agency fra mig og gør mig brandhamrende usikker på mig selv.

             

            Jeg passer ikke ind i LGBT-miljøet. Jeg passer ikke ind, fordi jeg er neurodivergent og ikke kan spille efter de neurotypiske sociale hierarkiske spilleregler. Selvom de lesbiske ikke kan se, at jeg er neurodivergent, så mærker de tydeligt, at jeg skiller mig ud.

             

            Jeg troede, jeg var dårlig til at læse mennesker og det sociale rum. Jeg har lige lært, at jeg som neurodivergent er meget god til det. Og det skyldes, at jeg er stærk sansesensitiv og har lært siden jeg var barn, at hvis jeg skulle overleve folkeskolen, var jeg nødt til at minimere risikoen for at blive mobbet, så jeg måtte lære, hvornår og hvordan.

             

            I mit forsøg havde jeg bestemt mig for, for engangs skyld ikke at lade det være min skyld, at jeg ikke forstod de sociale spilleregler, men i stedet tage mine Goffmann’ske briller på og undersøge, hvorfor jeg finder LGBT-miljøet så ekskluderende og giftigt.

             

            EN BAR I BARCELONA

            Lad mig illustrere hvad jeg oplever.

             

            Jeg var på en bar i Barcelona, hvor der var kvindeaften. Det var faktisk svært at finde, for det det viser sig, at kvindemiljøet er lige så lille i Barcelona, som det er i København. Og de mennesker, jeg snakkede med på rejsen, som kom andre steder i verdenen, siger, at det er det samme der. Samt at miljøerne generelt bliver mindre.

             

            Da jeg ankommer til stedet, prøver jeg at mingle og forsøger at falde i snak med to kvinder ved det bord, jeg står ved. Den ene hetero som besøger sin lesbiske veninde, og den anden er den lesbiske veninde. Begge på samme alder som mig. Den heteroseksuelle kvinde har et venligt åbent ansigt, når hun samtaler, mens den lesbiske kvinde derimod har et hårdt lukket udtryk i ansigtet - som er kendetegnet for lesbiske kvinder, når man går i byen og på dating. Det er et stift hårdt blik uden smil, med få ord og spørgsmål stillet på en måde, som mest af alt lyder inkvisitoriske. “Hvor længe er du her?”, “Hvad laver du?”, og andre inkvisitoriske spørgsmål.

             

            Resten af selskabet på baren var på samme måde: et skarpt afvisende blik, i grupper lukkede omkring dem selv, så det ikke var til at finde en indgang til grupperne. Kvinderne havde en adfærd, som en ung teenager jeg kender, nogle gange kan lægge for dagen, når de ikke ønsker, at kontrolløren i metroen skal spørge om de har en billet: så det er et kraftigt afvisende ydre, når man kan få en kontrollør til at gå forbi.

             

            Jeg har den samme oplevelse i København og Berlin. Faktisk har jeg den samme oplevelse ligegyldigt i hvilken sammenhæng jeg er sammen med mennesker fra LGBT-miljøet.

             

            Og hvad der er interessant er, at jeg oplever den samme adfærd fra lesbiske kvinder i professionelle sammenhænge, som på arbejdspladser og i kursussammenhænge. En adfærd jeg ikke oplever fra andre minoritetsgrupper.

             

            Jeg tænkte ved mig selv, da jeg gik fra baren i Barcelona, at hvis jeg havde oplevet den her adfærd på en hvilken som helst arbejdsplads, havde jeg bedt personerne om at opføre sig pænt, at det ikke er ok at være non-verbal voldelig. Jeg vil ikke arbejde sammen med mennesker, der har en uhøflig og mobbende adfærd overfor deres medmennesker.

             

            DET SOCIALE HIERARKI

            Jeg oplever, at der er et helt specielt sæt spilleregler i LGBT-miljøet for, hvordan man skal se ud og hvordan man tilsvarende skal opføre mig. Hvis jeg, som jeg har fået fortalt, øjensynligt udtrykker noget maskulint, så skal jeg tillægge mig selv en maskulin frembrusende adfærd - som kvinder hader ved mænd i det heteroseksuelle miljø - og hvis jeg udtrykker noget mere feminint, skal jeg tillægge mig en adfærd, som er mere tilbageholdende. Det er sexistisk og misogynistisk. Jeg forstår det ikke. Jeg forstår ikke, hvordan vi kan drømme om at møde et autentisk menneske, hvis vi alle render rundt og spiller skuespil.

             

            Jeg bliver sendt tilbage til skolegården, hvor der er første og anden vælger, om hvem der må være med til fodbold i frikvarteret. Og jeg blev altid valgt sidst, for selvom jeg spillede godt fodbold, så snakkede jeg ikke som de andre.

             

            I forhold til de sociale spilleregler, så smiler jeg nemlig for meget, jeg griner for meget. Jeg stiller uden skyggen af tvivl de helt forkerte spørgsmål, og besvarer helt sikkert spørgsmål forkert. Jeg gør alt det, som ikke er anerkendt i forhold til de sociale koder i LGBT-miljøet blandt kvinder. Jeg er rar og oprindeligt interesseret i af finde ud af, om vi har kemi eller ej; om det er for sex, venskab eller en sjov aften.

             

            Skulle jeg have spillet efter de sociale spilleregler i LGBT-miljøet, skulle jeg maskere i sådan en grad, at jeg ville begå vold på mig selv. Det er helt konkret fysisk smerterfuldt for mig at lave en maskering, som LGBT-miljøet kræver for at jeg kan blive socialt anerkendt.

             

            Jeg oplever kulturen i LGBT-miljøet som en mentalitet, der lægger sig op ad den, man ser teenager, hvor det er utrolig vigtigt, hvordan man bliver set på og hvem man bliver set sammen med. Jeg ser en brutal kamp mellem de neurotypiske for at finde deres plads i det sociale hierarki.

             

            LGBT-MILJØET ER POLITISK OG AUTONOMT

            Hvem kommer i LGBT-miljøet.

             

            LGBT-miljøet fungerer lige som mange politiske partier og medlemsorganisationer - de har mange medlemmer, men de fleste er medlemmer for at støtte op om det politiske arbejde og deltager ikke i de daglige aktiviteter.

             

            LBGT-miljøet er derfor ligesom mange andre organisationer drevet af de autonome. Ser vi på, om vi ser et repræsentativt udsnit af befolkningen i forhold til køn, alder, indkomst, bopæl, etnicitet, neurodivergent osv., er det ikke repræsentativt. Det betyder også, at det er dem, som befinder sig i LBGT-miljøet, som bestemmer kulturen.

             

            For nogle år siden var der et opgør med de hvide privilegerede bøsser, som man sagde. Der følte - og det tror jeg faktisk de gjorde - at de gjorde alt i deres magt for at repræsentere alle. Hvilket mange ikke oplevede lykkedes, og det blev til et meget grimt opgør med de hvide privilegerede bøsser.

             

            Den nye gruppe har deres egne blinde punkter. De bringer også en kultur med sig, hvor de mener, de gør alt for at repræsentere alle. Og de lykkedes heller ikke.

             

            Omkring kvinderne er der mange fordomme om, at årsagen til at der ikke er plads til en lækker bar i København for kvinder skyldes, at kvinder gennemsnitligt tjener mindre end mænd. Nu kan jeg som økonom sætte vægt bag ordene og sige, at det ikke er forklaringen. Kvinderne i København har en meget høj indkomst og de arbejder i forskningsmiljøer, finansielle institutioner og højt profilerede virksomheder. Så det er en dårlig undskyldning for ikke at undersøge, hvorfor kvinder ikke deltager i LGBT-miljøet.

             

            Men her er et par forklaringer understøttet af undersøgelser og forskning i andre sammenhænge: 

             

            Kvinder føler sig mere udsatte omkring at vise deres seksualitet i det åbne rum, fordi når de bliver set sammen med en af samme køn, gør det, at de er bange for at blive antastet eller overfaldet af mænd. Jeg har snakket med mange som føler sig bange. En reel følelse, baseret på reelle erfaring for mange i LGBT-miljøet. - Det gør jeg ikke, jeg bliver bare træt. Jeg er langt mindre bange for at gå på gaden om natten i Barcelona mellem hjemløse, sælgere af stoffer og mænd med store overarme, end jeg er for at gå på en bar med lesbiske. Jeg kan i sagtens tæske en hvilken som helst mand i en gadekamp - indtil det modsatte er bevist, selvfølgelig - men jeg er fuldstændig forsvarsløs, når de sociale spilleregler udspiller sig mellem lesbiske.

             

            Kvinder har en kultur om, at “man” ikke som mændene må sige, at man elsker sex, for så er man en luder. Det er nemlig absolut ikke kun blandt heteroseksuelle, at kvinder bliver udskældt, det sker så sandelig også blandt homoseksuelle. Det betyder, at kvinder skal spille spillet rigtigt om at de søger den eneste ene, også selvom det kun er et ONS for ikke at blive udskammet og for at blive socialt anerkendt.

             

            Kvinder identificerer sig ikke med den lesbiske livsstil, men har typisk en identitet som stemmer bedre overens med den heteroseksuelle livsstil. At være lesbisk er nemlig forbundet med den feministisk lesbiske bevægelse fra 1970’erne. Og som hetero-lesbisk går man altså ikke på en low-key bar, men vælger mændenes steder, “Oscar”, som ofte er væsentligt mere lækker end, og jeg er ked af at sige det, “Vela”.

             

            Kvinder passer oftere børn, og så er der ikke tid til at gå i byen efter kl. 24.

             

            Og så har LGBT-miljøet en gaslightende atmosfære, der gør, at mange kvinder vælger ikke at komme der.

             

            METOO OG SOFIE LINDE

            Og så tænker I, det må fandme være noget, der sker i dig. 

             

            Når man spurgte kvinder før Sofie Lindes tale på Zulu Comedy Galla i 2020, om de oplevede grænseoverskridende adfærd fra mænd, og om de har følt sig diskrimineret på arbejdspladser, og om de følte, der var problemer med ligestillingen, svarede de fleste, at det problem havde vi ikke i Danmark. Vi var jo det første land i verden til at frigøre pornoen og indfører ægteskab mellem par af samme køn. Og de få, der havde turde stille sig op ved MeToo 1.0, blev irettesat - og lad mig understrege, af kvinder. 

             

            Så holdt Sofie Linde sin meget modige tale, og MeToo 2.0 blev langt om længe sparket i gang i Danmark. Lige siden har flere og flere kvinder udtrykt problemer med grænseoverskridende adfærd, diskrimination på arbejdspladser og problemer med ligestillingen. Og så sent som i 2024 har 70 procent sagt, at de oplever grænseoverskridende adfærd på arbejdspladser.

             

            Så ja, der er også problemer i LGBT-miljøet, som er blind over for deres egne bias. Men dem, der siger noget, bliver irettesat. Jeg prøver nu alligevel.

             

            FÆLLESSKABER LUKKER OM SIG SELV

            Jeg har selvfølgelig undret mig, hvorfor LGBT-miljøet er så lukket om sig selv. 

             

            Siden jeg var barn, har jeg været meget opmærksom på, hvor stærk en mobbekultur, der er blandt mennesker for at vedligeholde de sociale hierarkier, og har derfor brugt et liv på at undersøge det. Jeg har derfor også snakket med mange menneske om, hvorfor LGBT-miljøet er så lukket, og hvorfor LGBT-miljøet er så blind overfor deres egne bias. Og ja, det er også støttet af forskningen.

             

            Når man befinder sig i et lille samfund, hvor man er i opposition, eller skiller sig ud fra det omgivende samfund, opstår der et sæt af sociale koder og spilleregler, som adskiller sig fra det omgivende samfund, hvor man enten passer ind eller ikke passer ind. Og lever man ikke op til det lille samfunds regler, bliver man korrigeret og gjort forkert, så man igen falder inden for normen af det lille samfund. Alle der har levet i provinsen ved hvorfor de ender i København eller Århus.

             

            Det forklarer selvfølgelig ikke, hvorfor LGBT-miljøet skulle være lige så lukket som alle andre små samfund, når det hele tiden taler for inklusion. Men årsagen til, at små samfund ikke ser, at der ikke er plads til alle, er, at det ikke passer til deres selvforståelse. Og ting, der ikke passer ind i et lille samfunds selvforståelse, bliver ganske enkelt dissocieret fra korttidshukommelsen og når aldrig over i langtidshukommelsen - helt konkret kognitiv videnskab. Det bliver med andre ord ikke set af majoriteten. Og der skal noget helt særligt til, før majoriteten ser det.

             

            Det var det, der skete med Sofie Lindes tale. Da hun havde talt og vandt prisen for året tale, turde andre kvinder også stå ved, at de følte sig diskrimineret, indtil da havde de heller ikke engang turde sige det højt til dem selv.

             

            Mange udlændinge siger om den danske hjertelighed, at den viser sig at skjule meget giftighed. Vi danskere kan godt lide at kalde det ironi, men lad os være ærlige, det er ren og skær giftighed. Og som neurodivergent forstår jeg simpelthen ikke ondskabsfuldheden i at sige til dine medmennesker: kan du ikke tage en joke…

             

            Og bare for at tage fat i Hannah Gadsby Show “Gender Agenda” fra 2024, hvor det bliver sagt, at nu skulle “the gay men remember to be kind to the lesbians” - hvorfor er det nødvendigt at sige i 2024? Fordi der er rigtig mange biases inden for LBGT-miljøet.

             

            Jeg kommer ikke på FEMØ af samme årsag. Et år, hvor jeg havde forvildet mig på FEMØ, var der mange nye. Der var så mange nye, at de turde sige højt, at de følte sig ekskluderet, og nogle tog hjem. Det ændrede ikke noget.

             

            Og selvom jeg kender forskningen bag eksklusionsmekanismer, kan jeg på et helt personligt niveau forstår ikke, hvorfor LGBT-miljøet er så blind over for deres egne bias. Jeg kommer på en anden ø-lejr, og her har vi ikke problemer med eksklusion. Vi elsker, når der er nye folk. Nye mennesker at snakke med. Nye mennesker at lege med. Jeg ved ikke, om det er, fordi vi ikke kommer i de samme miljøer til hverdag, og derfor kun er samlet om den ene hobby, der gør, at vi tager på teltlejr. Eller om den hobby, vi dyrker, er så speciel, at vi sgu alle sammen er nødt til at være lidt til den ene eller anden side, for at synes, det er sjovt, at stå i squat i to timer i stegende hede. Og selvom jeg går tidligt i seng, er der altid en, der spørger, "har du lyst til at træne sammen med mig?"

             

            Men en ting er sikkert, det er brutalt hårdt at være i LGBT-miljøet, i sådan en grad, at jeg nogle gange er nødt til at sætte mig ned og græde - og jeg er ikke den eneste, der oplever det.

             

            94 PROCENT BLIVER MOBBET

            En ud af fem mennesker er neurodivergente. 94 procent af neurodivergente mennesker oplever at blive mobbet. Dertil er de overrepræsenteret i statistikker, når det kommer til at begå selskade og selvmord. Det betyder, at neurodivergente mennesker er dobbelt ramte, når det kommer til social risiko. De rammes på deres seksualitet og deres neurodivergens.

             

            CONNECTION I SITGET

            På min rejse til Barcelona var jeg også i Sitges, en lille festglad ferieby tæt på Barcelona. Her opdagede jeg, at de mennesker, jeg havde mest til fælles med, var dem, der var bevidste om, at de faldt uden for de sociale normer. Det kunne være, at de skilte sig ud fra det traditionelle LBGT-miljø, boede som hvide heteroseksuelle i en anden kultur og følte sig derfor mere som europæere end som borgere i deres bopælsland, var neurodivergente eller tilhørte en minoritet med hensyn til hudfarve. I bund og grund var det mennesker, der på en eller anden måde var meget bevidste om, at de ikke passede inden for rammerne af de sociale hierarkier, som neurotypisk kan lide at opretholde. 

             

            Det var alle mennesker, der satte pris på at connecte med ligesindede, hvor der var plads til leg, samtale, fest og alvor, hvor det at være sammen uden fordømmelse blev værdsat. Alle var opmærksomme på, at de nogle gange faldt uden for en eller anden social norm, og at dette kunne have negative konsekvenser for dem.

             

            JEG DRØMMER OM INKLUSION I LGBT-MILJØET

            Jeg drømmer om et LGBT-miljø, hvor der er plads til mennesker som mig. Hvor jeg ikke behøver at kæmpe for min overlevelse i neurotypiskes kamp for at finde deres tilhørsforhold i de sociale hierarkier.

             

            Selvom jeg er neurodivergent og ikke forstår sociale hierarkier, er jeg ikke blind over for, hvad social eksklusion og mobning gør ved mennesker. Jeg forstår absolut godt, hvorfor folk er bange for at skille sig ud - det er smertefuldt, kan jeg sige af personlig erfaring.

             

            De sammenhænge, hvor jeg har trives bedst, både privat, i fritiden og på arbejdspladser, er miljøer, hvor man har en fælles forståelse for at skabe inklusion og være autentiske. Inklusion kommer nemlig ikke af sig selv, det understøttes også af forskningen, og det opnås ikke, hvis vi ikke taler om det og aktivt arbejder på at opbygge det. At skabe en kultur med reel inklusion er nemlig super svært.

             

            For nyligt på en lesbisk aften på en bar i København afviste jeg en kvinde, der spurgte, om hun måtte sidde ved en fri stol ved bordet, hvor jeg og andre sad, fordi jeg holdt stolen til en veninde. Senere så jeg hende nærmest løbe ud ad døren, og det gjorde mig ked af det. Jeg skulle have sagt ja og sagt, "Så finder vi sgu ud af noget med den stol", men det gjorde jeg ikke. Det, jeg lærte af min reaktion, er, at jeg finder LGBT-miljøet så giftigt, at jeg er bange for lesbiske kvinder: med et enkelt blik og et enkelt ord får de mig til at føle mig forkert.

             

            Jeg drømmer om et LGBT-miljø, hvor jeg ikke er bange for mine medmennesker, hvor jeg føler mig inkluderet og accepteret som jeg er - og hvor jeg helt intuitivt svarer, "Ja, sæt dig ned".

             

            EFTERSKRIFT: AT HØRE TIL

            På grund af min neurodivergens og min livslange kamp for ikke at blive mobbet, har jeg altid været interesseret i de sociale spilleregler. Derfor har jeg læst psykoterapeut med fokus på individets samspil med omgivelserne. Men jeg har også studeret sociologi, organisationsteori og retorik for at forstå, hvad der sker, når mennesker samles i flok. 

             

            Jeg fortæller bevidst historien fra et personligt perspektiv, fordi jeg ved, at jeg ikke sidder alene med følelsen af, at jeg ikke er okay, som jeg er, når jeg er sammen med lesbiske kvinder.

             

            Det blev tydeligt for mig i Barcelona, at jeg ikke er bange for mænd, som mange kvinder oplever det. Jeg er derimod rædselsslagen for lesbiske kvinder. Generelt er jeg glad for mig selv - min tænkemåde, mit intellekt, min krop, mit grin, min måde at være på over for andre. Selvfølgelig bliver jeg usikker i sociale sammenhænge, men ingen kvinder som de lesbiske kan få mig til at føle mig grim, dum og forkert som menneske - og det gør mig virkelig ked af det.

             

            En bøsse og antropolog sagde til mig i Sitges, at vi alle drømmer om "frihed fra eksklusion og at høre til”. Jeg drømmer i hvert fald om friheden til at være autentisk og høre til.



            » Meltdown in London City Airport


            In 2006, I had a meltdown at London City Airport when my flight was canceled. I lost control and started kicking my bag and shouting, but was help by kind people. This episode reminded me of a similar episode when I was 10 years old, highlighting the fact that traumatic reactions can arise under intense and long-term stress, and that support and understanding from others are crucial to healing.


            In early fall 2006, I had a meltdown at London City Airport, where I nearly didn’t make it home. But let’s start from the beginning.

             

            I had been visiting a friend in London and was heading back home. I’m someone who gets nervous about being late, so I decided to trust my friend, who was a world traveler. You know the type, effortlessly navigating airports as if they were strolling through their own living room.

             

            But the time schedule might have been a bit tight because on the last part of my journey on the train, I could see from the clock that this was going to be so tight, that I could see the gate closing in front of me. And it was crucial to me that I got back home in time for the afternoon lecture in Tax Policy at the university. I was shaking so badly in the train that it felt like my skin was being electrocuted. But I tried to stay calm and breathe, calm and breathe…

             

            As the train pulled into the station, I hurried out and ran into the airport to where I could check in. Just as I reached the check-in line, I read: flight canceled.

             

            And then I had a complete blackout.

             

            After staring at the message for a while, I turned to the people at the check-in and asked, with a very desperate look in my eyes, “What now? How do I get home?” Their response was disheartening: “We don’t know…”

             

            I had specially chosen the airline SAS because they were supposed to be the best, so if I got into trouble, they would manage, right? No.

             

            And I lost it. My brain just imploded into a meaningless sense of senselessness. My eyes started running. And with a very big swing of my arm, I threw my bag on the floor and started kicking it, yelling something about how the hell they didn’t know how I was supposed to come home. The people behind the check-in looked at me with eyes wide-open, leaning backward, and very quiet.

             

            Two cops came over. Bad cop and good cop. Fully packed with vests and everything, and very big machine guns, they almost shoved up under my nose like a cigar.

             

            Good cop looked at me with kind eyes and asked me with a gentle voice what was happening. I could not speak, so I could not answer him. So, bad cop, with the cold eyes and harsh voice, insistently said I was not allowed to act like that in an airport.

             

            And I just stood still, stared at them, my eyes running, not saying a word.

             

            Then, out of the blue, out of the corner of my left, a very British guy in worn brown British clothes and a brown folder in his right hand came walking very fast with very long strides, like John Cleese in Monty Python, and stop between me and good cop and bad cop, stuck his head out like a turtle from its shell, and asked me, “Have you got stress?”

             

            And everything stood still… It was as if everything became calm inside of me...

             

            I still couldn’t speak, but I felt like I must have looked very surprised.

             

            The John Cleese guy then turned his turtle head to look at good cop and bad cop and continued his very long strides out of sight to the right, as fast, as he came in from the left.

             

            Good cop and bad cop looked at me for a short while. Then they decided to repeat that I could not throw my bag and yell in the airport. And they walked away.

             

            And there I stood, thinking, “Now the worst thing has happened, the very thing I feared. I had absolutely lost it!”

             

            My brain had shut down for all conversations, so I could do nothing.

             

            I picked up my bag and decided to find a corner of the airport and wait for it to pass.

             

            For those who have been in London City Airport, they know there is no such thing as a corner. There is one big, very bright hall where the addict almost reaches the sky.

             

            But I found a place close to the wall, just sitting while my eyes kept running.

             

            I don’t know for how long I sat there; I had no sense of time.

             

            But certainly, a woman was standing in front of me asking me what was going on.

             

            I still couldn’t speak, but I could voice “home” while my eyes just kept running.

             

            She asked me where home was, but I could not answer, so she asked me for my ticket and told me not to move; she would look into it and get back to me. And she was gone.

             

            I don’t know how long she was gone, but it felt like she was back as fast as she had left.

             

            She had rebooked my flight and asked me to follow her. She sat me at a coffee shop where she made sure I got a cop a coffee and told me to stay there; she would pick me up and follow me to the gate when time came.

             

            The coffee shop was on a hill in the middle of everything, and I just sat there while my eyes kept running. I could feel no emotions. And I had no thoughts. But I did think to myself that the lecture in Tax Policy might not be so important after all.

             

            Again, I had no idea how long I sat there, but my coffee was gone by the time she returned as fast as she had left.

             

            She followed me to the gate while my eyes were still running.

             

            When I was in the air, the plane made a 180-degree turn, so I almost felt like my nose got screwed into the window, and I could look straight down into the water and see the shadow of the plane. I knew then that it was very bad because I have a fear of flying, and I felt absolutely nothing. But my eyes had stopped running.

             

            As I went home from the airport, I could see on the clock as I passed the university it was only a few hours later than expected.

             

            For the next few months, I was lying on the sofa, attending lectures at the university, not understanding one bit but doing it out of duty and purpose, my brain was closed. At the end of the semester, I managed to pull myself together, write an exercise a few days before deadline, defend it, and receive an okay grade for.

             

            I decided to go to the exams just to see if anything would come up, but I could leave the exams five minutes later; I was blank. I could remember nothing about what my teacher had said about Tax Policy.

             

            Two months later, I traveled to China.

             

            THE YEAR UP UNTIL THE MELTDOWN

            The year before the meltdown in summer 2005, I had started my master’s degree in Economics and decided that I would do like everybody else. I would have a 15-hour student job every week plus transportation, doing 7 house training and following lectures at the university including one in Sweden, and taking lectures in Chinese language. 

             

            At the same time, I decided to apply for a semester in China, the least communicative and transparent country in the world. And I decided I would learn to ask for help from the Chinese students because China does not write much on their websites. And I needed to learn to find two professors to write me a statement I could put with the application for studying in China, which some were to posh to write because I was not an A-student. On the day Copenhagen University had gathered all the applicants for exchange, I was the only student who did not receive any papers on whether or not I had been admitted. And it took some time before I received a one-page paper with me being admitted. And I did not know where I was going to sleep until the day I arrived in China.

             

            This was all too much, and by summer 2006, I was well done, barely hanging on by my nails, so when I saw ‘flight canceled’ I experienced a trauma response, where I got overwhelmed, panicked and got out of control. And I was lucky that day, because the John Cleese guy and the personnel in the airport gave me the necessary understanding and support that got me home safe.

             

            China was good: breakfast, reading, lectures, walking, lunch with the other international students, reading, sleeping - for five months.

             

            It took me ten months all together to be okay enough to start working when I got back home from China.

             

            In hindsight, as one says, I can now see, that my meltdown didn’t come out of the blue.

             

            I DON’T DO MELTDOWNS

            I don’t do meltdowns. The last time I had a meltdown before London City Airport, I was 10 years old.

             

            As a 10-year-old, I had been under a lot of pressure for many years - living in children's home, having a new brother, witnessing adults fighting and divorcing, hiding from the teachers at my old school, moving again, starting a new school, and struggling to understand the other children. There was lot of change I had no control over. So, when I was to go on summer holiday as usually for the first time after we had move to our new home, instead of being quired and withdrawn, I started screaming and crying and kicking like a mad because I had to drive with someone new. I startled all the adults around me, even my mother.

             

            Trauma responses occur when we are under a lot of distress for a long period of time. They are characterized by behaviors that are uncharacterized for us and can manifest as shutdowns, where we have an inward reaction, such as remove ourselves from our surroundings, or as a meltdown, where we have an outward reaction, such as shaking and jelling.

             

            The way others can help when a person experiences a trauma response is to approach them with understanding and support, allowing them to feel they are okay and that they can manage the situation; and they will.

             

            That’s what happened in London City Airport. The personal there provided me with the support I needed to stay calm and get home. And that’s happened when I was 10 years old, I got not to drive with a stranger.

             

            I don’t do meltdowns, I write. It took me almost 20 years to start telling people that I had a meltdown in London City Airport. But the fact is, everybody experiences them, including me. That is not a pleasant realization for someone who thinks logically and rationally like me.



            » Hvorfor Skriver og Taler Jeg Engelsk?


            Jeg udforsker, hvordan valg af sprog påvirker mine evne til at forstå mine indre tilstande og udtrykke mig selv, samt hvordan sprogskift er en strategi til at håndtere stress og overvældelse.


            Det er ikke ualmindeligt, at neurodivergente taler og skriver på engelsk, men spørgsmålet er selvfølgelig hvorfor: her er min fortælling. 

             

            Jeg har tre sprog: det, jeg voksede op med, engelsk, og mit akademiske sprog. De tre sprog har hver deres muligheder og begrænsninger.

             

            MODERSMÅLET DANSK

            Jeg er vokset op med dansk som modersmål. Det er det sprog, der giver mig en kulturel forståelse af vores sociale normer i samfundet. Det er det sprog, der giver mig en dyb forståelse for de sociale spilleregler og hvad der forventes, at jeg sanser, føler og tænker. 

             

            Det er samtidig et mangelfuldt sprog, da jeg igennem min opvækst aldrig fik sat ord på mine sanser, følelser og den måde, jeg tænkte på sammen med en voksen, og på den måde aldrig lærte at skelne imellem mine indre tilstande.

             

            ENGELSK

            Engelsk lærte jeg ved at se engelsk tv som Fun Factory på Sky Channel og MTV, da jeg var mellem 10 og 14 år gammel. Det er et sprog, som jeg oplever er fri for kulturelle sociale normer, og som gør, at jeg oplever at have dybere adgang til mine sanser, følelser og den måde, jeg tænker på. 

             

            Forskningen understøtter, at vi ændrer personlighed, når vi ændrer sprog. Sådan har jeg det i hvert fald. Derfor kan det være trygt for mig at slå over til engelsk, da jeg ikke er underlagt de samme ubevidste sociale normer på engelsk som på dansk.

             

            Det er noget, jeg særligt har oplevet, når jeg har rejst, at vi alle sammen er en lille bitte smule autister, fordi vi er nødt til at tage hinanden på ordene, da vi ikke i samme grad kan lægge fælles kulturelle normer ind i sproget. Det er meget befriende og giver mig en stor følelse af frihed til at være mig.

             

            Hvis jeg bliver stresset, skifter jeg over til engelsk, da jeg oplever, at jeg får dybere adgang til mine sanser og følelser, og derfor kan tænke mere klart. Samtidig giver det mig en mulighed for at holde lidt afstand, så jeg bliver knapt så overvældet. Eller måske oplever jeg bare, at det hele bliver lidt mere klart, da det ikke bliver mudret ind i danske sociale normer for, hvordan jeg bør have det. Jeg kan godt opleve, at når jeg taler dansk, så tapper jeg inde i en fælles kollektiv hukommelse om, hvordan jeg bør sanse, føle, tænke og handle, som jeg ikke oplever er rar, da jeg føler, jeg får frataget muligheden for selv at bestemme, hvad jeg føler og tænker. Jeg tror, det er en konsekvens af den stærke maskering jeg har lært, da jeg var mellem 4 og 9 år.

             

            Dertil har jeg lige lært, at når min autistiske side bliver overvældet eller overstimuleret af noget i mine omgivelser eller sociale forventninger, får jeg svært ved at udtrykke mig. Hvis jeg får en nedsmeltning, kan jeg ligefrem miste sproget fuldstændigt både kognitivt og verbalt. Det hænger sammen med den måde, jeg oplever verdenen på. Den viden ville jeg gerne have haft tidligere, for så havde jeg også vist at der er sunde strategier omkring at håndtere det.

             

            Da jeg har læst rigtigt meget på engelsk som akademiker, har jeg en stor del af mit ordforråd for mine indre tilstande fra engelsk. Dertil oplever jeg, at engelsk har flere ord, hvor jeg kan nuancere, hvad jeg oplever. Jeg oplever, at jeg kan sanse min krop og mærke mine følelser mere klart, når jeg tænker og taler på engelsk.

             

            AKADEMISK DANSK

            Jeg har lært at sætte ord på mine sanser, følelser og tanker via mine uddannelser inden for psykoterapi, økonomi og meget mere. Det betyder også, at jeg bruger andre ord, end mange jeg møder, når jeg skal sætte ord på mig selv. Jeg kan derfor lyde irriterende bedrevidende.

             

            Det kan til tider være frustrerende, fordi jeg oplever, at folk kan opfatte mig som distanceret. Det er jeg ikke, men det er nu engang det sprog, jeg fik til at sætte ord på min indre tilstand. Jeg taler formodentligt derfor også bedst sammen med mennesker, som enten har en åbenhed i deres kommunikation eller er lige så terapi-ramte som jeg er.

             

            ENGELSK ELLER DANSK?

            Det kommer an på. Hvis jeg er i et meget trygt selskab med kun ét menneske, hvor vi udveksler sanser og følelser nonverbalt lige så meget som verbalt, giver dansk mig en sansemæssig dybde, hvor jeg kommer ned til grundsansningen af en følelse. Men er jeg ikke i et trygt selskab, så giver engelsk mig en klarhed, hvor jeg har mulighed for at skelne imellem mine sansemæssige og følelsesmæssige tilstande, som ellers bliver mudret sammen, når jeg snakker dansk på grund af de sociale normer og forventninger til, hvordan jeg bør sanse, føle og tænke.

             

            På sin vis oplever jeg at vælge det sprog, hvor jeg i øjeblikket oplever, jeg kan udtrykke mig bedst. Hvis jeg kunne vælge, ville jeg hverken tale dansk eller engelsk; jeg ville tale med sanserne, kroppen, hænderne, næsen, munden og øjnene alene, for i virkeligheden er mit stærkeste sprog det nonverbale - men kun hvis jeg er tryg.



            » What is Neurodivergence?


            I write about the misconceptions surrounding neurodivergence and highlight the diverse cognitive styles and problem-solving approaches of neurodivergent individuals. I talk about my personal experiences. And I end et by advocating for neurodivergence to be removed form diagnostic classification for greater inclusivity.


            There are many misconceptions about neurodiversity, including how many people are neurodivergent, what it entails, and how it feels.

             

            But to start with the conclusion, there are not just two ways the brain works: a neurotypical way and a neurodivergent way. Instead, there is a wide range of ways the brain conducts problem-solving.

             

            It is estimated that one out of five people is neurodivergent. And when we ask Generation Z, about half of them define themselves as neurodivergent or somewhat neurodivergent.


            Being neurodivergent means that people have different perceptual tendencies and different ways of forming conclusions. It includes cognitive skills such as lateral thinking, system thinking, associative thinking, visual-spatial thinking, creativity, and hyper-focus. Neurodivergence are complementary cognition strategies, essentially representing Darwin’s cognitive diversity.

             

            Having different cognitive strategies simply means that we learn differently, think differently, and perform differently, complementing one another.

             

            I will begin by presenting some neurodivergent styles followed up by some of the problem-solving approaches they use, diving into the neurobiology of autism to show one way the body and mind processes sensory information in understanding the world. I will end it all by writing something about my thinking style and a hope for the future: that neurodivergent will be removed from WHO’s ICD.

             

            DIFFERENT NEURODIVERGENT STYLES

            Different neurodivergent styles encompass a wide range of traits to problem-solving and experiences that divert from what we think is the neurotypical form.

             

            People with ADHD are more likely to think originally and flexibly, often creating completely new concepts in creative tasks. Hyperactivity and impulsivity are seen as drivers of their achievements.

             

            Autistic individuals typically demonstrate objective and rational decision-making, less susceptibility to cognitive biases, and superior visual-spatial and pattern thinking skills. Other strengths inkluce attention to detail and original thinking.

             

            Dyslexia often makes it easier to recognize connections between disparate concepts, objekcs, or perspectives, suggesting compensation for difficulties in reading and writing through enhanced creativity. They often perform better tasks requiring original and combinatorial thinking.

             

            Synesthesia is a typology where sensory impressions (sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch) get crossed up. For example, someone might see colors when they hear music. It has been found to be overrepresented in creative arts and music professions.

             

            Other neurodivergent styles include Tourette syndrome, dyspraxia, dyslexia, hyperlexic, and dyscalculia.

             

            DIFFERENT APPROACHES TO PROBLEM-SOLVING

            The different neurodivergent styles offer unique approaches to problem-solving, creativity and understanding of the world. They show different combinations of traits, each offering their unique approach.

             

            Lateral thinking is the path marked by the loops, jumps, and divergences, the absence which defines linear thinking. It makes it possible to steep outsider the imagined boundaries of a puzzle.

             

            System thinking is a holistic approach to understanding how various components within a system interact and influence each other, rather than focusing solely on individual parts.

             

            Associative thinking focuses on connecting similarities and drawing connections among two or more concepts that don’t typical go together.

             

            Visual thinking is a strength where you visualize information in the mind.

             

            Hyperfocus is the ability to intensely focus attention on a task for long stretches of time.

            Others include mental rotation, first principles thinking, pattern thinking, bottom-up thinking, and reverse engineering.

             

            There is a richness and diversity both between different neurodivergent styles and within. There is more overlap between the different neurodivergent styles than generally assumed. Intellectual giftedness may accompany all or some of these traits. So, although there are different neurodivergent styles, it can be difficult in reality to define people to just one style. For instance, up to 80 percent of individuals with autism is also have ADHD.

             

            THE NEUROBIOLOGY OF AUTISM

            Cut into the bone, the basic feature of the different neurodivergent styles is that our body and mind have many ways of solving problems.

             

            For many years, research solely focused on the central nervous system (the brain) to try to explain why autistic individuals behaved the way they did. Moreover, research did not ask the autistic individuals themselves how they experienced the world; instead, they observed the person and afsked family and teachers how they experienced the person.

             

            Now research has also turned its eyes to the peripheral nervous system (body) to try to explain why autistic individuals sense the world the way they do. How that can lead to behavioral responses to try to cope with sensory overstimulation. And that there is a constant biofeedback loop between the body and the surrounding environment. Moreover, research is beginning to ask the autistic people themselves how they experience the world, and autistic people are themself making research about autism.

             

            The nervous system is specialized in different tasks, each with its unique function, making sure everything works together to process information from inside the body and the surrounding environment, creating a coherent understanding of the world. There is not just one place involved in processing sensory information in the body and mind, there are many, such as motor and premotor functioning, the cerebellum, reticular formation, and the receptors.

             

            Moreover, different neurons, also called sensory cells or receptors, have different functions: touch, sight (bright light and colors), sound, smell, gut, motor function, muscles, and interception, just to mention a few. The sensitivity of these receptors can have a significant impact on our experience of ourselves and the world. Autistic individuals often have more sensitive receptors, making them experience the world more intensely.

             

            In addition, many individuals experience synesthesia to varying degrees, which is a neurological condition where stimulation of one sense triggers a perception in another sense.


            The brain does not process information in one section at a time; it combines these informations in ways giving unique perceptions of the world, leading to many complementary ways of experiencing the world and forming conclusions.

             

            MY THINKING STYLE

            I’m system thinker, which is an approach where I understand how various components within a system interact and influence each other, with a very strong visual-spatial, social, and verbal pattern detection. I have a deep and nuanced empathy and compassion, where I intuitively sense when someone is distressed and how to respond. In addition, I have the ability to hyper-focus and deep dive into subjects of interest.

             

            My experience of interior life when problem-solving is almost like being surrounded by invisible whiteboards where I can project, rotate, and combine ideas in conceptual space.


            My nervous system is very sensitive when it comes to processing sensory information (touch, sight, hearing, smell, taste, balance, body awareness and internal sensing). I am particularly sensitive to the change where I or things around me move, that includes sensing other people's nervous systems, which makes me sensitive to people's smell, sounds (speech gramma), and touches.

             

            I have a sensitive stomach and an intolerance to gluten, lactose, suger and fat, and I have problems digesting animal products.

             

            Moreover, I experience conceptual synesthesia where I experience ideas as tactile features, such as skin, wood, or rope. It can feel like I have very fine furniture under my hands when I experience connection between things. Like I can follow the lines and the texture in the furniture as I understand and create perspectives.

             

            The interesting part of my synesthesia that I have just learned is that when I get distressed, I don’t feel strong emotions like anger or sadness; instead, I feel very intense physical pain, that can feel so intense that I feel like stepping out in front of a bus or a train to make it stop. I, of course, have no wish of hurting myself, but the pain is so intense and overwhelming that I desperately have an urge to stop it. If the pain is intense enough, it can activate an overwhelming sensation that is so strong that it resembles anxiety or panic attacks.

             

            My strengths and challenges have changed somewhat over the years due to forced adaptations. In some cases, I have become very adept and in other cases my masking has made me experience burnout, meltdowns, and shutdowns, because I have adapted too much instead of staying true to myself.

             

            In general, I love my way of thinking because it makes me sense and feel things stronger and creates interesting connections. It can sometimes be too overwhelming. But the overwhelming is the part that makes me keep digging into understanding what it means to be neurodivergent and human.

             

            CONCLUSION: NO TWO BRAINS ARE A LIKE

            It is a misconception that we all think the same way. Unfortunately, due to the deficit-based approach in medical science regarding what it means to be human, research has formed the way we perceive one another.

             

            For instance, the term “autism” was first used by the psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler in 1911, referring to the tendency of schizophrenics to withdraw into one’s inner world. In the 1940s, it was used by the pediatrician and medical professor Hans Asperger to describe communications difficulties and narrow interest, primarily boys. That also means that autism is defined as a development disorder.

             

            The scientific method is an inheritance from the Enlightenment period, which lasted from the late 17th century to the late 18th century. During this time, there was a belief that through reason, science, and technology, humans could understand and control nature. There was a strong faith in rationality, and humans believed they could dominate nature.

             

            So, we don’t understand what neurodivergent entails because science has not thoroughly investigated how all humans think. This also means that neuroscience is only in its infancy stage, and there is a long way to go until we understand the many complementary cognitive strategies of thinking that healthy human beings experience.

             

            I hope that neurodivergent thinking will be removed from the WHO’s ICD in the future, as homosexuality and transgenderism have been, because nobody deserves to be excluded simply because they do not conform to what we perceive as the majority way of thinking.



            » Historien Bag, Hvordan Jeg Lærte at Maskere


            Jeg skriver om, hvordan jeg hvordan jeg lære at maskere for at undgå at blive følelsesmæssigt overvældet. Det gør jeg gennem episoder fra min barndom, hvor jeg reflekterer hvilke strategier jeg har anvendt for at håndtere mine følelser og sociale interaktioner – i min søgen efter frihed til at være mig selv.


            Jeg kan ikke huske det meste af min barndom, men når jeg endelig kan huske noget, er det fra de første 9 år af mit liv. Små hverdagsbegivenheder, som jeg oplever som meget intense på en måde, hvor jeg sanser, at jeg næsten ikke kan rumme intensiteten i min lille krop.

             

            Jeg skriver små glimt fra perioden, hvor jeg er mellem 4 og 7 ½ år gammel, boende på Sjælør Boulevard i Valby. Episoderne er alle karakteristiske for, hvordan jeg lærer at lukke af for min sårbarhed for at undgå at blive overvældet, og samtidig hvordan jeg bliver god til at maskere, den jeg er.

             

            BRAND OG ANGST

            Jeg træder ud på fortovet fra trappeopgangen. Jeg er gået ned af trappen fra fjerde sal, da jeg er bange for at sidde fast i elevatoren.  Det er halvmørkt, da jeg træder ud. Det første, jeg ser, er en kæmpestor brand på en bænk til venstre for mig. Rundt om er der nogle store teenagere, som står og griner. Et øjeblik efter løbet de rundt og tramper på bålet for at slukke det, mens de råber og skriger. Jeg føler, jeg bliver suget hen til bålet og kan mærke varmen fra det. Samtidig med, at jeg står præcis, hvor jeg hele tiden har stået; på afstand. Jeg mærker et intens sug af frygt i hele kroppen og kan ikke være i mig selv.

             

            Jeg træder ind ad døren. Jeg kigger til venstre ind i stuen, hvor min mor sidder og snakker med en person. Hun siger til personen, at det er hurtigt, jeg kommer op, og at det har taget hende lang tid at få mig til at gå ned og lege, siden vi flyttede ind. Jeg siger ikke noget til min mor om branden. Jeg tager stille og roligt min frakke af og hænger den op.

             

            På daværende tidspunkt har jeg boet otte steder inklusiv et børnehjem. Jeg er 4 år og vi er næsten lige flyttet ind.

             

            NY BØRNEHAVE OG EFTERLADT

            Det er første dag i børnehaven. Den ligger få opgange fra, hvor vi bor. Da min mor skal til at gå, bliver jeg hysterisk og græder som pisket. Jeg ved ikke, hvor det kommer fra, men jeg oplever næsten, at jeg har en ud-af-kroppen-oplevelse. Jeg ved også, at det ikke vil gøre en forskel. Til min overraskelse lover min mor at hente mig tidligt. 

             

            Og det gør hun også, men da hun kommer, vil jeg ikke med, og hun går igen uden mig. Jeg kan huske, at jeg tænker, at det er mærkeligt.

             

            FREMMED DAME OG MAD

            En dame snakker med mig og et andet barn. Hun spørger os, om vi har lyst til en is. Jeg svarer ikke. Damen er fremmed, og jeg vil gerne have, at hun går sin vej. 

             

            Hun henter en is til os, men jeg smider isen på jorden.

             

            Senere får jeg fortalt, at jeg ikke kunne lide is. Jeg kunne bedre lide rå kartofler. Jeg kunne også godt lide øllebrød. Faktisk er det først noget, jeg tænker over, mens jeg skriver dette, men der var mange ting, jeg ikke kunne lide som barn, enten fordi det gav mig ondt i maven eller fordi det ikke smagte godt.

             

            Jeg lærer med tiden at spise, hvad der bliver serveret.

             

            SLÅSKAMP OG KØN

            Jeg er oppe og slås med en dreng. Vi bliver skilt ad. Pædagogen ryster drengen i skuldrene, fortæller ham, at det må han ikke, og sender ham væk.

             

            Pædagogen sætter sig i øjenhøjde ved mig, lægger hånden tungt på min skulder og spørger, hvad der dog sker.

             

            Jeg er misundelig på drengen. Jeg lærer, at der er forskel på drenge og piger. Jeg vil hellere skældes ud end at blive kigget i øjnene.

             

            Jeg bryder mig ikke om at blive forskelsbehandlet. Resten af livet bryder jeg mig ikke om at definere mig selv ud fra køn, kønsoplevelse, kønsudtryk, seksualitet eller seksuel praksis, da jeg oplever, at det lægger begrænsninger på mig.

             

            Jeg drømmer om, at folk møder mig – jeg drømmer om friheden til at være mig selv.

             

            HÅNDKLÆDER OG KONTROL

            Jeg er meget oprevet over noget i børnehaven. Jeg er så oprevet, at jeg går ud på badeværelset og begynder at hive håndklæderne ned en efter en, så stropperne går i stykker. Pædagogen bliver stående i døren og kigger på mig og siger, at jeg selv kommer til at sy dem på igen. Jeg fortsætter med at hive dem alle ned. Der er rigtig mange. Tre vægge rundt.

             

            Jeg bliver sat til at sy stropperne på igen. Jeg gør det langsomt i håbet om, at jeg ikke skal sy flere på, når min mor henter mig. Da min mor kommer, snakker hun og pædagogen sammen. Min mor går igen uden mig.

             

            Det er sidste gang, jeg tillader mig selv at miste kontrollen.

             

            FEBER OG RATIONEL

            Jeg har feber og ser Anders And med horn i panden, røg ud af næbbet og en fork i hånden kravle rundt på væggene og loftet i det meget lange værelse, jeg ligger i. Jeg er rædselsslagen.

             

            Jeg går ud i gangen for at se, om knallerten står i skabet. Min mor har fået en ny kæreste, og hvis knallerten står i skabet, er han på besøg. Knallerten står i skabet, så jeg går ind til mig selv igen.

             

            Jeg fortæller mig selv, at Anders And ikke findes, at Anders And er en tegnefilmsfigur, mens jeg gemmer mig under dynen. Det bliver jeg ved med at gentage, indtil han forsvinder. 

             

            Det er første gang, jeg husker, at jeg bruger mit logiske sind til at berolige mig selv. 

             

            GRÅD OG SMERTER

            Jeg har mareridt igen. Jeg er bange igen. Jeg græder. Hver gang jeg græder, bliver min næste stoppet, og jeg kan ikke trække vejret. Det kan jeg ikke lide. Jeg bliver bange, når jeg ikke kan trække vejret igennem næsen. Jeg tænker ved mig selv, at det alligevel ikke nytter noget, så jeg lover mig selv aldrig at græde igen.

             

            Jeg har stort set ikke grædt siden. Nu får jeg bare mange smerter i kroppen, når jeg føler mig sårbar.

             

            HØREPRØVE OG OVERLOAD

            Damen giver mig udførlige instruktioner om, hvordan jeg skal udføre høreprøven. Hvis jeg hører noget i venstre øre, skal jeg smide en klods i spanden til venstre, og hvis jeg kan høre noget i højre øre, skal jeg smide en klods i spanden til højre. Jeg følger meget koncentreret med i hendes instruktioner.

             

            Efter instruktionen kigger jeg op på min mor, men siger ikke noget. Min mor nikker og siger, at jeg skal gøre, hvad damen siger. 

             

            Ifølge høreprøven hører jeg fint.

             

            Jeg bliver i samme periode testet for om jeg har vitaminmangel og får jerntabletter, fordi min mor oplever, at jeg er træt hele tiden. Hun har fortalt, at hun ikke kunne sige ordet sove, men måtte stave s-o-v-e, hvis hun snakkede med andre, når jeg var til stede, for ellers ville jeg i seng. Senere sov jeg også meget i skolen.

             

            Jeg var meget overvældet i skolen, da der var mange indtryk, så jeg sov mig igennem de fleste fag fra 2. til 7. klasse.

             

            KNÆKKET TAND OG SELVSTÆNDIG

            Jeg skal på toilettet i skolegården. Døren kan som sædvanligvis ikke låses. Da jeg er færdig og på vej ud, smækker døren op, ind i ansigtet på mig. Jeg bløder, og min fortand er knækket. 

             

            Det ringer ind, og de andre børn løber hen for at stille sig i kø i de hvide afmærkede båse to og to og venter på læreren.

             

            Jeg går først op til tandlægen, som ikke er der. Dernæst går jeg ned til sygeplejersken, som er der.

             

            Det er 1. klasse, jeg er 7 år og klarer tingene selv.

             

            SKOLE OG SOCIALE SPILLEREGLER

            Jeg kan godt lide at gå i skole. Man skal sidde på rad og række og lytte, skrive og række fingeren op, hvis man vil sige noget. Det kan jeg godt lide. Jeg lærer mit mest basale dansk og matematik i 1. klasse.

             

            Frikvartererne bryder jeg mig ikke om. Jeg oplever, at de andre børn ikke er søde ved hinanden, og nogle gange heller ikke ved lærerne, hvilket jeg ikke kan lide. Jeg kan ikke forstå, hvorfor det er vigtigt, hvilken skoletaske man har, hvis man kan lide den, man har. Jeg kan ikke forstå, hvorfor det er vigtigt, hvilket tøj man har, hvis det er rent. Jeg kan ikke forstå, hvorfor det er vigtigt, hvem man leger med, hvis de er søde og sjove.

             

            Jeg lærer dog hurtigt at gennemskue, at der er forskel på folk, og at nogle er rigtig gode til at klare sig i de sociale spil.

             

            Som en ekstra historie kan jeg tilføje, at jeg et år senere bor et andet sted, hvor jeg leger sammen med nogle andre børn. To af børnene vil gerne have, at vi løber fra den sidste, fordi personen er dum, siger de. Det vil jeg ikke, så jeg gør oprør ved ikke at løbe. Lidt senere er det mig, der bliver løbet fra af de tre andre. Det er hjerteskærende. Jeg lærer med tiden, at de andre børn gerne vil snakke med mig når der ikke er andre til stede, men når de går i grupper, ignorere de mig.

             

            Som en måde at beskytte mig selv holder jeg mig på afstand af de andre børn.

             

            FORLADT OG RELATIONER

            Jeg har en rigtig god veninde i børnehaven. Jeg husker hende som tryg, det eneste menneske i min barndom, jeg oplever en umiddelbar nærhed til, hvor jeg sanser noget ukompliceret i relationen.

             

            Da hun flytter, bryder min verden sammen i tusind stykker. Bruddet er så svært, at jeg ikke husker hende i over 30 år.

             

            Jeg er efterfølgende meget tilbageholdende med at knytte mig til mennesker igen.

             

            MASKERING

            I mine tidlige år oplever jeg, at jeg er utrolig sårbar, sensitiv og meget frygtsom. Jeg oplever næsten, at jeg går ved siden af min mor, som en hund, der afventer instruktioner, for at kunne navigere i verdenen. Nogle få gange bliver jeg så frustreret eller bange, at jeg udad agerer, men for det meste er jeg bare stille og svarer ikke de voksne. Jeg tænker, at jeg må have set rolig ud, mens alt indeni mig var kaos.

             

            Som autist er en af mine evner at tænke logisk og rationelt. Det er en evne, jeg tidligt tager i brug, til at lukke alt ude, så jeg bliver mindre overvældet.

             

            Særligt fra skolealderen er det meget tydeligt for mig, at jeg ikke er som de andre børn. Jeg kan ikke gennemskue de sociale spilleregler og hierarkier, og jeg kan ikke gennemskue, om de andre børn reelt vil lege, eller om de mobber og ekskluderer mig eller andre. Reglerne fremstår ganske enkelt meningsløse for mig. Men jeg lærer meget hurtigt at forstå, at jeg træder udenfor. Det gør mig ked af det og utryg, og jeg trækker mig fra de andre børn. 

             

            For at håndtere mine følelser og mindske konflikterne med mine omgivelser lærer jeg ikke at sige noget om, hvad der sker inden i mig. Jeg lærer at se rolig ud. Jeg lærer at gøre alting selv og ikke spørge om hjælp.

             

            Da jeg ikke kan gennemskue et menneskes underliggende intention, men vælger at tage dem på ordet, i stedet for som andre at tolke, har jeg gennem tiden oplevet at få mine grænser overtrådt og ikke blive respekteret som menneske. Også i arbejdssammenhænge som voksen, hvor jeg ikke oplever, at der er forskel på skolegården og kantinen. Det gør, at jeg ikke lukker mennesker ind i mit inderste, for på den måde, at beskytte mig selv.

             

            Det er faktisk lidt af et paradoks. For jeg føler meget dyb empati og connecter med mennesker på et dybt niveau, hvis vi kommer ind på livet af hinanden.

             

            Desværre betyder det, at maskering er blevet en strategi, hvor jeg går på kompromis med mig selv og ikke får sagt til eller fra, fordi jeg ikke har øvelse i at være sammen med mennesker, hvor jeg ok som jeg er, og at det er ok, at jeg har det, som jeg har. Det er noget hø, for jeg bliver i ordets bogstavligste forstand usynlig for mine omgivelser og mister stærke ressourcer, da jeg bruger rigtig meget energi på at holde maskeringen og se rolig ud. Og når jeg ser rolig ud, kan folk ikke sanse, om jeg rent faktisk er rolig og grounded, eller føler et stort indvendigt kaos.

             

            Og det er også et yderligere paradoks, for maskeringen gør mig mere autistisk end jeg er. Jeg er nemlig også ADHD og ekstrovert og har altid igennem min barndom været på ekspedition med mig selv og opsøgt mennesker.

             

            Det er samtidig lidt pudsigt alt sammen, for jeg ved absolut godt, hvad jeg vil være med til, og hvad jeg ikke vil være med til. Min mor var ikke et menneske med det største overskud, men hun fik lært mig, at folk ikke har ret til at pege fingre ad mig. Og hvis folk peger fingre ad mig, så skal de også huske at leve op til de værdier, der gør, at de peger fingre ad mig.

             

            Jeg oplevede igennem min barndom hele tiden at få fortalt, at jeg ikke var et ordentligt menneske, og jeg er slet ikke i tvivl om, at det gav mig en særlig interesse for: hvad betyder det at være menneske. Det fik mig til at bestræbe mig på at møde mennesker med empati, ganske enkelt fordi, jeg igennem min barndom drømte om, at jeg blev mødt med empati og blive holdt om.

             

            Det er helt sikkert også derfor, at jeg i mit liv sætter pris på de relationer, som er autentiske, som er inkluderende, har people skille og kommunikere klart, fordi det er det eneste jeg har, jeg kan læne mig ind i: uden klar og kærlig kommunikation er jeg nemlig på herrens mark.

             

            Men med klar og kærlig kommunikation er jeg nysgerrig, legesyg og udadvendt - jeg er autentisk. Og ja, jeg har sgu en quirky måde at tænke på. Men hold da op, hvor kan den også være sjov, når man får lov til at sætte verdenen sammen på nye måder med mennesker, som synes det er sjovt.



            » The Nervous System, Connective Tissue, and Interoception


            Interoception, the sense of internal body state, and the nervous system are closely intertwined, influencing emotions, cognition, and behavior. Additionally, the nervous system and connective tissue interact bidirectionally, affecting bodily functions and sensory perception. Overstimulation or trauma can cause the connective tissue to stiffen, triggering physiological responses. Dysregulation in interoceptive processing or the autonomic nervous system can lead to various health issues.


            Autism is characterized by being constantly sensory overstimulation. However, rather than being inherently problematic, the challenge lies in how we perceive and interpret this sensory experience. By recognizing and respecting the diverse ways in which we all experience the world, we can foster an environment where everyone, including those with autism, can thrive.


            INTEROCEPTION AND THE NERVOUS SYSTEM

            The interoception and the nervous system work in tandem to provide us with a continuous awareness of our internal bodily processes, influencing various aspects of our emotion, cognition, and behavior.

             

            Interoception, also known as the 8th sense, plays a crucial role in our awareness of our internal bodily state and how we know what we are feeling. Everyone experiences sensory processing in their body differently, and some people are more hypo- or hypersensitive than others. Through interaction with our surroundings, we learn to verbalize our internal state. While some find it is easy to articulate their internal state, others find it more challenging. For example, they may have difficulty distinguishing between anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.

             

            The autonomic nervous system regulates involuntary bodily functions such as heart rate, breathing, and digestion, helping maintain homeostasis by adjusting physiological responses based on internal sensory feedback as well as external stimuli.

             

            These sensations are detected and relayed to the brain by sensory nerves in the body. The nervous system processes this information, integrating it with other sensory inputs and cognitive processes to generate a coherent understanding of one's internal state.


            The interoceptive signals influence emotional experiences and regulation. The brain's interpretation of internal sensations contributes to the generation of emotions and affects emotional responses.

             

            Disturbances in interoceptive processing or dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system can contribute to various health issues, including psychological challenges, and somatic concerns.

             

            THE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND THE CONNECTIVE TISSUE

            The nervous system and connective tissue interact bidirectional, with each system influencing the function and activity of the other in maintaining overall health and homeostasis.

             

            The connected tissue, also known as fascia, forms a network that spans the entire body, serving multiple functions such as transmitting muscle tension, manage liquids like lymph and blood, and conveying sensory information. Additionally, it acts as a memory system, retaining morphological variations it has experienced.

             

            The fascial continuum is supplied with nerves by the autonomic sympathetic nervous system, allowing it to be affected by the body’s automatic responses. Sympathetic activation, commonly known as the fight-or-flight response, can lead to changes in blood flow to the fascia, alterations in tissue tension, and modulation of pain perception. These effects can profoundly impact the overall function and responsiveness of the connective tissue, affecting factors such as mobility, flexibility, and sensory perception.

             

            In response to overstimulation or trauma, the connective tissue can stiffen due to neurofascial memory, making it challenging for different fascial layers to slide. This, in turn, affects nerve endings and triggers a physiological response of the efferent nervous system.

             

            The autonomic sympathetic system's innervation of the fascial continuum offers insights into how physiological responses, including changes in tissue tension and pain sensitivity, can be impacted by factors such as stress, emotions, and sympathetic arousal.


            SENSORY OVERSTIMULATION AND MASKING

            Our nervous system can’t distinguish between an actual life-threatening situation, a perceived danger of sensory overwhelm, or a social situation we have learned over time, even when we feel safe enough. It automatically reacts with responses of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

             

            If, over time, we have learned to automatically mask (fawn response), the effort can use all our energy and executive functioning, diverting resources away from anything non-essential. This leave us without any energy to think logically and be creative.



            » Things About My Autism


            The text is about my personal experiences with autism. It covers various aspects such as heightened sensory perception, coping mechanisms like stimming, difficulties with social iteractions and communication, and the internal struggle with masking and shame.

             

            The experiences described are common among many autistic individuals. But, because we all have different capabilities and support network, these experiences can appear quite different for each person. This is my personal experience.

             

            I’ve always felt this way, but to me, it’s normal, so I didn’t understand that it was the core of my challenges, as well as my strengths. As a result, I ended up trying to get my act together, because that’s what you did where I grew up, and mask my true self.

             

            MY SENSES ARE IN A HEIGHTEN STATE

            The basic trait of being an autistic individual is my heightened state of senses. I process much more information about my surroundings that most people, which also means that I’m very aware of my eight senses. And sometimes I feel physical pain from being in places that are not good for me.

             

            That also means that I get very exhausted very fast, and I sometimes shut down as a result.

             

            There are some senses I don’t enjoy because they make me feel I’m in Doctor Strange’s universe, where everything is constantly shifting. This means I’m particular sensitive to visual stimuli, movement, balance, and spatial orientation—I need things to be stable and move slow.

             

            On the other hand, I absolutely love the sense of touch, such as high-quality hugs, as well as beautiful melodic music, the auditive sensethey help regulate my nervous system.

             

            My sensitivity has worsened over the years as I’ve tried to adapt to society’s expectations.

             

            STIMMING—RELEASING TENSION

            My body is always overworked because I am constantly overstimulated, so I need to channel that energy somewhere.

             

            When I was younger, I used to sit very restlessly, constantly moving my legs and hands to the point that people would tell me stop. So, I don’t do that anymore.

             

            Today, I use exercise as a way of coping with my restlessness. I can’t do what I used to, so my primary go-to is walking. I don’t exercise, I can’t process my senses, emotions, and thoughts. It’s how I prevent or minimize shutdowns. It is also the place where I write a lot. It is the place I get the best om my ideas.

             

            JOY—AND LONELINESS

            I can be very excited about something, like when I finished my exam as an economist, and I was so proud that I could not stop telling the world about it, which some people found tasteless. So, I don’t share things I’m proud of anymore.

             

            There are many things that make me happy, but I’ve noticed that I have to express my excitement with less enthusiasm, and sometimes it’s not even acceptable that I talk about it—while I have to listen to others talk about their children—which sometimes turns my joy into sadness and loneliness.

             

            OVERSHARING—AND PRIVAT

            When people ask me a question, I answer honestly, but I have noticed that my response is sometimes not what they expected, and they find me a bit to honest and naive. So, I’m very selective about what I tell people, but I still choose to push them a little outside their comfort zone.

             

            People often make the mistake of thinking that because I’m honesty in my answers, they know what’s happening inside of me. They do not.

             

            I am a very private person, and you have to be able to connect with me and make me feel safe before I’ll let you access my inner champers. And I don’t let people in there until they have proven they are BRAVE (Brené Brown). So, I mostly unmask when it is only me and the paper.

             

            RIGID—AND FLEXIBLE

            By upholding my routines and compartmentalizing my tasks into small little boxes, I can run them like standard programs, giving me space to being flexible. However, there are things I am good being flexible about, and others I am not.

             

            For instance, I hate changing tires on my care, because Volkswagen is the most misogynistic brand there is, and the white men let me know it every single timeit takes a lot of my energy.

             

            I can be become really stressed if the ice cream I expected isn’t available, because I chose it specifically, and when I have made up my mind, I don’t like to change itbut give me a little time, and I do.

             

            I have difficulties planning a trip because there are many variablesI tend to overthink when I have too much time. However, I can also be very impulsive if I have a foundation and know I have time to rest.

             

            I love doing assignments for others because it’s like getting a questit cheats my brain that it is not mine.

             

            I am starting to establish standard programs for food prep, and I am changing my wardrobe to “uniforms” that I can change a little at a timeI love healthy tasteful food and nice cloth. I like to clean when I have a shut down because the light exercise relieves stress.

             

            But generally, there are things that I find easy to do and things that I find difficult, and this can change from day to day, depending on if I am having a shutdown. It also depends on whether it’s for my own benefit or for others. But I have noticed that if I don’t mask about these things, I am much better at many things, because I stop enduring and simply verbalize what makes me feel uncomfortable or insecure. I obtain better conversations with people when I am more honest, which gives me energy to do things.

             

            OVERTHINKING—AND CREATIVE

            I didn’t think that I tended to overthink things, but I do. How could I miss that? Well, it’s just my way of thinking. How should I know that it was different? But because I believe I get everything wrong, I feel I need to prepare for every possible outcome.

             

            Despite this tendency, or maybe even because of it, I actually do like my way of thinking because it is very creative. I am very creative in academic think because I can make connections where others do not see any.

             

            SENSE OF INJUSTICE

            Because of my sensitivity, I sense when people at treated different, and it evokes a strong sense of injustice in me, which is almost painful.

             

            Data shows that society excludes too many people from being who they are and from participating in the educational system, the labour market, and creating a health foundation for themselves. Not fair!

             

            SPECIAL INTEREST

            My numerous special interestseconomics, psychology, sexuality, sociology, communication, and morecan be condensed into one: understanding what it means to being human.

             

            It stems from my childhood and the feeling of being dropped on this planet without a guidebook on how to socialize. From my very first childhood memories, it has been clear to me that a felt astray.

             

            INFO DUMPING

            To make sense of the world, I read a lot. And I dump that information to others when I hear someone doesn’t know something, but people aren’t that excited about it. So, I’ve toned down my sharing quite a bit. However, at work, I don’t hold back because I am not good at making assignments that do not create results.

             

            I’s frustrating because I genuinely love engaging and playing with ideas, and I get very excited when we share and exchange thoughts and experiences.

             

            HIGH MASKING

            I have struggled throughout my life to both conform to social norms and go against them because I work a bit differently. It’s interesting how I don’t understand social norms, but I am heavily susceptible to them.

             

            That also means I’ve been constantly masking when I’m around people to such an extent that I don’t know if I’ve ever truly met myself in the presence of another person – or it’s only when I’m alone that I feel like I’m truly myself.

             

            Because I have masked, I have internalized a lot of shame. You see, I knew I was autistic long before someone said it aloud. What’s strange is that I feel ashamed about things that I genuinely like about myself and treasure in others. And I do genuinely really like myself… but not when I mask.



            » No More Masking


            The text explores authenticity and the concept of masking, focusing on how individuals on the autism spectrum hide their true selves to fit societal norms. I look into the motivations behind masking and compare it to the false self as experienced by neurotypical individuals, emphasizing differences in the comprehension of social rules.


            As an autistic individual, I mask, but I have never been aware of how much it has influenced my life.

             

            It explains why I experience an extreme, nauseating aversion to hetero- and gay normativity regarding what it means to have the correct gender and correct sexualitythat has trapped me. The strange thing is, even though I do not understand social norms, I am very much susceptible to them. I want out! So, new accessory to my clothes;)

             

            I know that when I become very happy about something, it’s because I’ve wanted it for a very long time. I was so excited when I bought my accessory that I almost ran around myself like a golden retriever. The guys selling me the accessory (and other stuff), where very lovely, and smiled about my joy while helping me ensure it fitted perfectlyno blouse, no blushing – it felt like buying a t-shirt.

             

            If everybody was like them not busy bee-ing me about correctness, I would not busy bee demand avoidance, but instead, I would have exercised self-determination (theory). Crazy stupid!

             

            So why have I masked?

             

            1. I gain more respect and recognition
            2. I obtain more (white male) privileges like social acceptance and jobs
            3. It minimizes the risk of social exclusion because people don’t feel uneasy
            4. I'm not done wrong, which minimizes the risk of bullying and condemnation
            5. I am not perceived as troublesome because I don’t vocalize needs and set boundaries
            6. I experience fewer conflicts because I conceal misunderstandings 
            7. Others relax because they do not have to deal with my differences.

             

            The ting is, I have never been very good at masking; I just ended up in no man’s landand very tired.

             

            BEING AUTHENTIC, MASKING VERSUS FALSE SELF

            Being authentic is difficult for everybody.

             

            In psychology, the concept the false self refers to a facade that individuals present to the world, conforming to societal norms, suppressing authentic emotions, and adopting roles and behaviors that may not be genuine.

             

            The false self is similar to masking, but for neurotypical individuals. However, there is a difference between masking as experienced by neurodivergent individuals and the false self as experienced by neurotypical individuals.

             

            The difference lies in that the neurotypical individual understands social rules, while neurodivergent individuals do not. This means that neurotypical typically can explain which social rules apply in different situations and with different people, as well as why it is inappropriate to overstep those rules.

             

            Neurodivergent individuals struggle to understand social rules because they perceive every situation and all people as similarthey don’t discriminate. This awareness of their lack of understanding leads them to assume they are always wrong in social interactions. Consequently, they struggle to make sense of why they fail in social situations, which makes them psychologically vulnerable. People across the neurodiversity spectrum therefore have a higher probability of developing psychological challenges in addition to being neurodivergence.

             

            You can phrase it different, that both neurodiverse and neurotypical individuals seek to be authentic, embracing their truly selves.

             

            As I’m write this, I realize that whenever I’ve sensed something and have become insecure about a situation or a person, I’ve masked my true self, losing my authenticity in the process. Now, that I understands why, I smile a bit sadly to myself because I should not do it to people close to me. I should simply ask what’s going on with them.

             

            However, the solution too good communication between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals is to engage in affirmative conversation about their interactions. This allows everyone to understand what is happening, identify their own needs, set boundaries, and establish a common understandingessentially what everybody should strive do. It’s important to use an affirmative approach because social rules are evaluated by different standards by everybody, regardless of neurodivergence, and that’s okay.



            » Senstive, Intuitive, and Strong


            The narrative essay provides a blend of personal experiences with sensitivity, intuition, and empathy from the perspective of an autistic individual.

             

            I have always wanted to be the dangerous and cool type, but let’s face it, I’m not. I have always found it annoying that I was looked at as hopeless, nice, and overly intense.

             

            Being autistic, I’m incredible sensitive.

             

            I have always thought of my sensitive side as something vulnerable that I had to hide from others to navigate the world. It’s like, ‘If I touch it, it will break me’. I am beginning to understand that it is my sensitive nature that has gotten me as far as I have in life.

             

            I feel that the more I learn about my sensitive nature, the more grounded and whole I feel. And the stronger I feel. It feels like the more I touch it, the more I feel. The more I feel, the more I can contain and act… and cry when needed, when it al becomes too much.

             

            It is my sensitive nature that makes it possible for me to lean into people. And it is my sensitive nature that makes it possible for people to lean into me. Especially in hard time. It is when we lean into one another that we become stronger than the sum of our individual selves. This makes space for exploration and joy.

             

            I can be a little sad that it’s only now that I am just beginning to understand that it is my sensitive nature that makes me whole and strong. It is my sensitive nature that makes me a capable human being.

             

            There is still a long way to go though.

             

            I know the world runs on another wavelength, and I understand why so many people on any spectrum struggles with feeling that they are not okay as they are, and that it is painful because we genuinely want to connect.

             

            I feel the more I slow down, the more I accept what I thrive withminimizing sensory input so I can engage in genuine, deep, and heartfelt conversations with people who feels the same way - the more I am the best possible person to be with for myself and othersI stay true to myself, I stay true to you.

             

            And then I have to remember that I don’t just need to feel safe; I need to feel very safe. Because it is when I feel safe, I am free.

             

            The best thing you can tell me is: "It's okay you feel the way you do”.

             

            INTUITION

            I’ve been told on and off throughout my life that I have a good intuition, but I always brushed it if off because it was obvious to everyone that I didn’t understand the social rules, so off course that couldn’t be the case.

             

            And from what I’ve heard people say about intuition, it was something like being one with the universe and feel the vibesa bit too much, it lacks grounding.

             

            Then I began to massage people again, and just the other day, I massaged a guy who said the same thing. He was able to put some words on it, in my words, is that I have a one-on-one relational intuition, in a way people can find pleasant because they can always connect to me no matter where I am in a room.

             

            Hmm! It’s not the first time I’ve heard that. I think I need to explore that…

             

            My brain processes 42% (strange research result) more information than non-autistic individuals. In in our connections with others, different types of empathy each plays their role:

             

            • Motor or bodily empathyis like being attuned with to someone else’s sensations and experiencesit’s our mirroring system creating resonance between nervous systems
            • Affective or emotional empathyinvolves feeling the same emotion as another person
            • Cognitive empathyis more about understanding where someone else is coming from, their perspective, and emotions
            • Compassionate empathyinspires us to lend a hand to others.

             

            When I massage, I sense the muscle tension, the connected tissues, and bodily reflexes or lack thereof. I listen to what the body saying and try to have a conversation with it, so to speak. At some point, I become very surprised about something, as if it’s a whole new discovery, and continue to listen intently. Eventually, the intensity of the sensation becomes strong enough that I feel inclined to ask the person about it. And I always find myself just as surprised about the answer because people have lived different lives. People have many stories in common, but the feelings and the meaning they put to their stories are all differentIt makes every person unique.

             

            It seems that because of my sensitivity, it appears I possess an intuition for sensing the nervous system, which is bodily empathy. That would explain why I can ground myself and can connect with people through a bodily connection.

             

            Moreover, my life experiences have equipped me to acknowledge and accept the darker aspects of my life, allowing me it to understand the dark aspects in others.  This enables me to empathize with the complexities of human experience and connect to people’s stories with an open mindset, which is cognitive empathy. That would explain why I can stay calm and connect with people’s stories through shared human experiences.

             

            What becomes clear to me is that I need to feel safe for it to be the case. And when I, of course, am not always grounded and calm, I experience that people become alarmed and distance themselvesexcept my friends, who, with great boredom, expect me to land on my feet again.

             

            That is probably also why the best thing you can tell me is: "It's okay you feel the way you do”.

             

            What also becomes clear is that because of my sensitivity, I feel physical pain when people I have chosen to have in my life disconnect. It is harder for me to disconnect than to stay connected because people matter to me, and it is easier for me to have heartfelt conversations than not because I can’t stop caring, when I have first felt deep empathy for someone.

             


            » What Kind of Autist Am I?


            I reflect on what it means to have an social autism profile, and what the positive traits and challenges are.

             

            There are two types of autism profiles: The stereotypical autism profile and the social autism profile. But let me emphasize that everyone’s personalities makes each person as unique as anyone else, so I am not exactly comfortable with using this distinction.

             

            I am the latter. I am very good at masking. Socially, I have learned to adapt by observing and analyzing people around me. First I see one, then I do one, then I tell one, and then I freestyle. I can make eye contact when I feel safe, but not if I don’t. I am polite. I hide my restlessness. I make info dumping. I turn things inward. I react with a delay. I have a large vocabulary and am very sharp communicatively. I like being socialI just get drained a lot.

             

            My functional level varies a lot depending on people, place, time, and if I feel safe. I have a reduced sense of danger. I learned English fast by watching tv. If my to-do lists become too long, I end up doing any of the things because I lose sightit explains my one thing a day rule.

             

            But the most important thing is that whatever happens, it has to make senseif it makes sense, I can do everything and more; if it doesn’t not make sense, I can do very little.

             

            Positive things about knowing me:

             

            1. HonestI am straightforward and direct, and I say things as they are
            2. LoyalI will go through fire and water for you
            3. Depth and substanceI am good at discussing difficult and important matters with substance, I and good at telling stories and relating
            4. Thinking outside the boxI am highly creative and have an ability to find interesting solutions
            5. Systematiclike structure, routines, and systems/patterns
            6. Immersion build knowledge about various subjects
            7. Detail-orientedI notice when something is out of place
            8. EmpathyI have high empathy and sense how you feel before you doI tune in to you
              • I can’t watch the news, and there are some I can’t read either
              • I feel unwell if the atmosphere is not good
              • I am very tired when I have been with people
              • Others don’t need to tell me how they feel; I feel it
              • People come to me when something is difficult
              • I get drained if people complain to much
              • I get happy when people around me are happy
            9. Charmbecome very enthusiastic.

             

            I did not make these things up; other autists have. And as I write them, I am like, “Oh! That IS me”. The funny thing about it is that I don’t feel particular not normal. I thought everybody worked the same, knowing of course that they did not because I most of the time feel out of place.

             

            For instance, why do many people not communicate in a straightforward way? It makes no sense to me. It explains why so many people gossip in a very bad manner behind each other’s back, because they don’t talk to one another, due to a social rule of what you are allowed to sayso instead, you fight about the dishes. I am so lost in translation; it's like I am trying to play a guessing game with no clues – no wonder I feel so tired.


            As another autistic individual said about socializing: it’s done in a logical manner, where my brain is making a million calculations per minute when trying to decipher body language trying to understand what people are actually saying because people don’t really mean what they say.

             

            When I think more about it, I often find that people don’t fully understand their own intentions; they simply follow a script, much like discussing the weather.

             

            And I am always like, “I know it’s raining, look out the f’ing window”.



            » My Childhood Muse:
            Communication and Connection


            The story is my journey of learning to express myself and connect with others, reflecting on my journey from childhood experiences, struggles with communication, to growth through adulthood in workplaces, friendships, and relationships.

             

            Finding one's voice is a natural part of growing up, but for me, it was a journey that took decades to unfold. While most children start expressing their feelings and thoughts by the age of five, I was a late bloomer. It wasn’t until my late thirties that I began to learn to express my feelings and thoughts. For most of my life up until then, I kept my emotions and thoughts guarded, never daring to share them with anyone.

             

            The reason was that I did not know how to communicate in a respectful way, as I had never learned it from home. My mother spoke in a very declarative and sharp manner, and most of the people around me tended to tell me how I felt and thought or spoke badly about others. So, I knew that neither of these ways of communicating was good, but I had nothing to replace them with.

             

            Adding the element of being autistic, I knew from an early age that I was so different that it would be futile to speak because people and I lived in different worldssomething I’ve come to learn from speaking with other individuals on the autism spectrum is that they often experience a feeling of not being understood by others.

             

            As a result, I chose not to speak.

             

            MY CHILDHOOD

            Growing up, I encountered a myriad of communication styles, each leaving its mark on my understanding of expression.

             

            First, there was my mother, who spoke like the town crier, loudly proclaiming messages and important announcement for all to hear, much like the town crier who reads the queen’s orders aloud in the square. This made me feel on my own.

             

            Then, there were pedagogues, teachers, and adults in general, who never asked about my feelings but always told me how I felt and thought, and that I did not take their feelings into consideration. This left me with the feeling of being unseen and unheard.

             

            Finally, there were others who gossiped about others, creating wild imaginations and painting others as if they were almighty inconsiderably. This made me very frightened and confused.

             

            As a child, I felt scared and could not find a way to express my sensitive side. To cope, I often withdrew from people and spent time on my own. One fond memory I have is me sitting on the soft grass in a small cemetery, gazing out at the vast field of peas on a hot summer day. Although the peas weren't edible, the sight brought me immense joy and comfort, making me happy in my stomach.

             

            MY TEENS

            Throughout my childhood, thinking about people’s next steps and motivations had been a wise strategy for surviving a versatile upbringing. However, as I entered my teens and began to venture out into the world, I learned that the approach was not useful.

             

            I spent a lot of time thinking about what others might think of me and what they might think me thinking. I used so much time and energy that I became stressed. I came to realize that if anyone used as much time thinking about me as I did of thinking about them, there would be no time left for anything else. So, I pragmatic concluded, in the best economic manner, that the costs outweighed the benefits and decided to stop thinking about what people might think. Furthermore, I reasoned that if others did have thought about my thoughts, it would be a complete waste of time because I wasn’t particularly deep, and they wouldn’t find anything interesting.

             

            Despite this realization, I didn’t find an alternative strategy for communicating, and I continued to avoid engaging with people.

             

            GETTING OUT OF MY TURTLE SHELL

            This next story is going to be toe-curling embarrassing, even though it happened many years ago. However, there’s no avoiding itI need to confront it head-on.

             

            To this day, I still can’t remember what it was all about, but it wasn’t anything dramatical, and it’s not essential to my story. What matters is my reaction because I vividly remember how difficult it was for me to express myself.

             

            Something was brewing inside me, and I felt utterly lost on how to articulate it. My solution, in hindsight, was utterly ridiculousI curled up in the chair like a dog or a turtle tucked into its shell. Yes, that’s what I did. You laugh, I do.

             

            They passed by me curled up in the chair, and remarked in a biting tone, ‘Get a grip on yourself’ and ‘I could just come and talk’.

             

            And to be fair, I did need to get a grip on myself. I could see how utterly foolish I was appearing from the outside.

             

            So, I remained curled up for a while, contemplating what to do. I felt incredibly insecure about how to communicate that I didn’t know where or how to begin. But the reality was, if I didn’t accept the invitation to speak, nothing would change. And I wanted things to change. So, I had to make up my mind to trust the other person’s invitation…

             

            I uncurled myself, pulled myself out of the chair, and approached them to talk.

             

            I stumbled through the conversation, partly because I found it painfully embarrassing to verbalize my feelings and thoughts to someone else. Additionally, I was afraid of hurting the other person because of something I might say, and I would be seen as inconsiderate, as when I was a child.

             

            It became one conversion out of many where there was a significant amount of reciprocity. Through each exchange, I learned how to speak - word by word, sentence by sentence, conversation by conversations. And I haven’t stopped since.

             

            Nevertheless, there were still many situations where I hesitated to engage due to my insecurity about how to communicate respectfully.

             

            WORK

            When I first began to speak, I struggled with how to engage in conversations about mutually relationships because I grew up disliking how people spoke about one other. As a result, I hardly said anything.

             

            Then, I experienced an incident at a workplace that changed my perspective on the matter. We were colleagues discussing our annoying boss for a reason I can’t recall today. Some of the comments made were less than kind, and I found myself laughing along, despite feeling uncomfortable.

             

            However, one colleague that day stepped out of the conversation and expressed that they would not participate, explaining whynot once, but twicein a very calm manner. And they were right to do so. This made a big impression on me because it clarified how to maintain boundaries when discussing someone else.

             

            In workplaces, people can sometimes be harsh towards one another. However, I still struggle with maintaining boundaries when someone oversteps.

             

            FRIENDS AND GROUPS

            I used to feel very unconfutable when others engaged in gossip. I didn’t think gossiping was a nice thing to do.

             

            Then, I came across an article that argued gossip could be beneficial, suggesting that through it, we can learn more about others and ourselves. It made sense to me because I realized that if we don’t know how to communicate respectfully in a group, the group cannot develop a better connection with one another, and neither can we with ourselves. But how?

             

            Growing up, I hadn’t learned this. The only thing I knew was that when talking about someone else, we should never demonize people because then we dehumanize them and ourselves.

             

            We should talk about others in the same way we would like to be spoken about ourselves, with a sense of curiosity about why they do what they do or say what they say. It’s okay that their actions or words don’t always align with ours. But we must talk about others respectfully, considering how we would feel if we were the ones being talked about.

             

            It is through conversations with others we become wiser about the many ways of being human and experiencing the world. And when we're unsure about something, sharing it with someone else can help us gain clarity or figure out how we'd like to respond.

             

            However, we must remember that if we’re annoyed or angry with the someone, we need to voice it aloud and hold them accountable because they can’t act on what they do not know. That isn’t fair.

             

            I have learned that there is great kindness among my friends. They nurture relationships by daring to speak to one another about difficult things - we meta-talk about how we do something together. They are nonjudgmental, show great integrity, vault stories, are reliable, set boundaries and are generousthey are great teachers in my life.

             

            BOTTLED UP

            Another toe-curling story.

             

            I usually didn’t tell my friends what was going on in my lifeI still don’t always do.

             

            But one time, I felt it was time to tell a friend something I had been bottling up for several yearsyes, I am slow. You laugh, I do, I need to.

             

            When I told them, they responded with a very big surprise, asking why I hadn’t said anything sooner. I reacted with a big surprise because I had never expressed any genuine feelings and thoughts before, so what had they expected...

             

            They didn’t talk to me for months, leaving me feeling annoyed, a little angry, and very puzzled. I wondered if I had one’s again chosen a person in my life that would stop all conversation the moment I expressed myself.

             

            But it felt strange, so when my birthday came around, I decided to call them. We had known each other for many years, and damn if I would not invite them.

             

            The moment I called, they picked up the phone before the first ring even finished. They poured out everything that had been happening during the time we hadn’t spoken. I did not know what to expect when I called, but if you had asked me, this was not it.

             

            As I listened, I could feel what they were going through. My feelings shifted from anger to regret that I hadn’t spoken sooner. It had never been my intension to keep things inside, but I couldn’t find the words to express myself. It was like my body refused to let it out and instead compartmentalized it inside of me. Even if I thought about saying something, my body would tense up, making it even harder.

             

            Many people talk about how they are afraid of hurting the other person and therefore don’t say anything. That is not the case with me. I am afraid that whatever I say is just plain wrong. It’s like I have to have all the words and the sentences one hundred percent correct before I can say anything. Because it’s only when I say something aloud that I know how I feel. And I would feel insecure about what if it changed the moment I had said it. And what if they didn’t want to give me the change to keep the conversation open, but just shut me out. Could I trust them, believing that the last thing I wanted was to hurt them, or would they demonize me and tell me how I felt and thought, like when I was a child?

             

            At the time, I did not know that this is the way we become conscious of our feeling and thoughts. It actually has a name for it: "translokutionaritetsprincippet”, which means that we first know what we feel and think when we have said it aloud to someone else. I was relived to find out.

             

            So, I learned that because I could not-get-it-out, I ended up hurting someone badly that I didn’t want to hurtthat was a teacher.

             

            Another thing I am trying to learn when the conversation becomes intense is not speak when I don’t feel the other person understands me. When I don’t feel the other person understand, I become scared that they will shut me out, and I try to explain that what I said was not my intension. So, I practice shutting up and listen.

             

            Pauses in conversations can also make me tense if I don’t feel safe. Because I am always afraid that this is going to be the last conversation ever. But I try to lean in and trust that there is time to sit quietly and taste the emotion we express from a heartfelt place, because when our body is connected, the words become bigger than the person I sit in front of; it becomes a connection.

             

            It is when I hear the emotions connected to the words, and the thoughts connect to the emotion and how someone experience it all, that everything makes deep-felt sense inside of me, and I feel empathy for them and myself. What I have come to learn is that it requires that I trust the person will stay connected, otherwise it becomes difficult.

             

            I have learned that I thrive when engaging in conversations with people who are not afraid to share something of themselves, who are not afraid of difficult feelings, and who prefer to navigate through discomfort to make progress for themselves and others, rather than remain stagnant. I have come to realize that I grow when I talk with people who understands the value of personal development and the importance of the journey of self-healingthey are great teachers in my life.

             

            PARTNER

            The most difficult relationship to be in is with a partner. It triggers all our childhood strategies and traumas. As I write this, I realize that I don’t express myself enough with a partner to the extent that I feel seen.

             

            One reason I don’t express myself more is that I am very sensitive to a person’s body language, and I am afraid to ask what is going on because they might say that I am not taking their feelings into consideration, as I experienced as a child. Moreover, I still struggle to always understand what is going on inside me, how the other make me feel, and how to convey it into words I can speak to others. I feel insecure about whether or not they will have the patience to simply sit together.

             

            What I come to think of is that I need to feel safe enough to express my feelings and thoughts. If I don’t feel safe enough, I still hold backI am working hard not to.

             

            Another thing I am reflecting on as I write this is that I have noticed that I don’t evaluate relationships by the same standards as others. I don’t fight over the dishes, somebody coming home late, or who are scatterbrained. I don’t understand why people fight over these things. Maybe it’s because I have seen too much throughout my childhood to ever want to go that way.

             

            Conflict arises because something is activated in us, coming from our past. So, I try to find out what mine is, so I don’t let my past and insecurities get the better of me. But I do, by default, feel that it is me who haven’t understood the standard by which others fight, so there are a lot of things that I don’t ask about or express. But I might just also be pragmatic as an autistic individual, wanting to find mutual beneficial solutions. I don’t think it is hard, but we do need to talk about it.

             

            I recently heard both Whitni Miller and Jytte Vikkelsøe say: “Great relationships and created, not found”. They also said that most people are not committed their connection and having meaningful conversation about the topics that triggers them and therefor shy away.

             

            I have a difficult time expressing myself if I don’t feel safe enough, but I don’t shy away. I find shying away unbearable heartbreaking, so even if it can take some time, I always take the conversation.

             

            Love is conditional, as Scott Peck says. Love is opening our heart to all that we resist - and expanding because we don't need to fight. In a relationship with love, we can laugh together, we can develop intimacy together, we can become each other’s support, so we have the possibility to become all that we are.

             

            Today, I am more scared of not having the conversation than of having it because when we don’t talk, we are left in the dark, and we can imagine all sorts of things. But I also know now that I need to feel safe, to speak freely. If I don’t feel safe, I end up saying weird things or not saying anything at all, and then I don’t feel seen. And that is unfortunately because it is when we talk, we can feel each other’s hearts, and that create understanding and empathy and builts connectionthat is my teacher in life.

             

            MY CHILDHOOD MUSE

            As an autistic individual, I know that I, by default, don’t understand other peopleor so I have been told. In a strange way, it has led to me to exercise radical self-awareness because I do have a genuine interest in what it means to be a human being and because I truly do want to connect.

             

            Much of what I do today has been learned through intuition of what I appreciate and don’t appreciate in a mutual conversation. Even more is learned from good and bad examples by other people. Additionally, I have always felt that when I read a scientific paper on a topic, that I could box it in my head as a guide to navigate by, like a lighthouse, so if I got astrain, I would know how to correct my course.

             

            But as I write these final words, I ponder where my desire for connection stems from. As an autistic individual, I feel people strongly in my heart, but it is a little like ‘out of sight, out of mind’, so it takes a lot of effort for me to stay connected.

             

            In kindergarten, I had a friend. I remember all of us kids sitting in a big circle listening to a pedagogue reading a story aloud. My friend is sitting behind me, stroking my back. I feel safe, I feel whole, I feel at homeI feel connected to this person. She is the only person I can remember feeling connected to in my childhood.

             

            One day she moved away, and my whole world scattered in a way I have never experienced since. She is the reason I strive every day to become better at expressing myself, communicating with others, ultimately; to connect.

             

            POSTCRIPT: IMAGO THERAPY

            When explaining the type of conversation I aspire to become adept at, I refer to Imago Therapy. It is specially designed to help couples deepen their connection, improve communication, and resolve conflicts.

             

            The communication style involves maintaining a non-judgmental and supportive attitude, focusing on creating a safe space where both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves openly and honestly. The approach aims to build trust and foster greater intimacy within the relationship.

             

            Key components of Imago Therapy include:

             

            MirroringOne partner expresses their thoughts or feelings while the other listens attentively. The listener then repeats back what they heard without interpretation or judgment, allowing the speaker to feel heard and understood.

             

            ValidationAfter mirroring, the listener validates the speaker's feelings, acknowledging their perspective even if they don't necessarily agree with it, fostering acceptance and mutual respect.

             

            EmpathyThe listener expresses empathy by imagining themselves in the speaker's position, demonstrating understanding and compassion for their experience, helping strengthen the emotional bond between partners.

             

            UnderstandingBoth partners work together to gain a deeper understanding of each other's feelings, needs, and perspectives, fostering empathy and connection.

             

            Problem-solvingOnce both partners feel heard and understood, they can collaborate to find mutually beneficial solutions to any issues or conflicts that may arise, prompts teamwork and strengthens the relationship.

             


            » The Autist is the Canary in the Mineshaft


            The article provides a blend of personal and professional perspectives on sensory challenges faced by individual with autism, drawing attention to parallels with non-autistic experiences, particularly in terms of sensory overload, the role of the connected tissue, and trauma. Additionally, it delves into personal healing strategies rooted in scientific understanding.


            I don’t have a gaydar; I have an autism rader… But that’s just a little teaser, not the whole story.

             

            It all started the other day when I had a conversation with a woman in her thirties who had recently been diagnosed with autismyet another person with strong competences. As we discussed how we sense the world, I couldn’t help but notice the striking similarities in our perceptions. This led me to thinking about how we are akin to the canaries in the mineshaft, quick to become overwhelmed by sensory stimuli.

             

            But here’s the thingwe’re not as unique as we might think. Over the past decade, I’ve had countless conversations and observed that some non-autistic individuals also struggle with sensory overload, much like us on the spectrum.

             

            The key of this story is that we’re all cut from the same cloth. Drawing upon the myriad of things I’ve read about neurobiology and psychology; I’ll do my best to articulate my thoughts in a way that’s understandable and readable to others… I hope.

             

            SENSORY OVERLOAD

            One of the hallmarks of autism is being highly sensitive to sensory stimuli. When I was younger, even the slightest touch of loose-fitting fabric on my skin felt like being stabbed with an ice pick.

             

            It appears that my nervous system doesn’t process information automatically in the cerebellum, the “little brain”; instead, it’s processed in the prefrontal cortex, the “frontal lobe”, making me acutely aware of things others might not notice. I notice people moving around, their breathing, their smells, the noise they make.

             

            To illustrate, picture this: if you, as a neurotypical, are on the beach on a hot summer day with a gentle breeze, then I, as a neurodiverse individual on the same beach, feel like I’m caught in a tsunami wreaking havoc on everything in its path. I become overwhelmed by sensory input very quickly.

             

            In a typical office landscape, while you may only use 10 percent of your energy coping with being there, I find myself using 60 percent. And because I’m already overloaded, I only have 40 percent left to focus on work, whereas you have 90. It leaves me with nothing to spare for the rest of the day.

             

            Through conversations with various people, I’ve noticed that some neurotypical individuals experience similar sensory overload to those with autism. These individuals have often experienced trauma of some kind: prolonged stress, whiplash, concussion, or severe illness.

             

            What’s interesting is that the impact appears to differ, for instants, extreme headaches or back pain, irritable bowel syndrome, or inflammation in the body, depending on where the individual’s vulnerabilities lie within their body, yet it consistently affects their connected tissue. The same holds true for individuals with autism as well.

             

            THE CONNECTED TISSUE

            The connected tissue, also known as fascia, forms a network that spans the entire body, serving multiple functions such as transmitting muscle tension, manage liquids like lymph and blood, and conveying sensory information. Additionally, it acts as a memory system, retaining morphological variations it has experienced.


            The fascial continuum is supplied with nerves by the autonomic sympathetic nervous system, allowing it to be affected by the body’s automatic responses. Sympathetic activation, commonly known as the fight-or-flight response, can lead to changes in blood flow to the fascia, alterations in tissue tension, and modulation of pain perception. These effects can profoundly impact the overall function and responsiveness of the connective tissue, affecting factors such as mobility, flexibility, and sensory perception.


            In the face of trauma, the connecte tissue can stiffen due to neurofascial memory, making it challenging for different fascial layers to slide. This, in turn, affects nerve endings and triggers a physiological response of the efferent nervous system. The nerve supply of the fascial continuum by the autonomic sympathetic system provides insights into how physiological responses, such as alterations in tissue tension and sensitivity to pain, can be influenced by factors like stress, emotions, and sympathetic arousal.


            TRAUMA

            A trauma is essentially a disturbance that affects a person physically, emotionally, and mentally.

             

            Trauma is inherently linked to our social nature as human beings. Even in case of a natural disaster like an earthquake, we instinctively reach out to others for help. Trauma encompasses biological, psychological, and social dimensions that influence and interact with each other.

             

            When we experience trauma, our ability to choose coping strategies diminishes as the impact intensifies. We rely more heavily on pre-automated responses, and the sense of security we derive from our attachments plays a crucial role in how we navigate the aftermath.

             

            Exposure to trauma can disrupt the mobility of our connected tissue, leading it to become either too stiff or too loose in different part of the body.

             

            There exists a biofeedback loop between the biology of our nervous system, the connected tissue, our thoughts, our surroundings, and how we connect to our attachments. This intricate interplay underscores the complexity of trauma and its impact on various aspects of our well-being.

             

            Complicated? Absolutely!

             

            IMPACT

            Individuals with autism often face frequent exposure to potential traumas. This includes being at heigher risk of abuse and enduring constant pressure to conform to social norms that may not align with their true selves, resulting in a phenomenon called masking. Masking involves suppressing one’s genuine identity to fit in, which can profoundly impact on mental health and make the nervous system more vulnerable to sensory overload.

             

            Interestingly, when neurotypical individuals experience trauma, their nervous system reacts similarly to those of neurodiverse individuals, becoming more susceptible to sensory overload. This means that they also have to navigate daily life while trying to minimize sensory stimuli.

             

            The essence of the matter is that we are all made of the same substance. When a neurotypical individual undergoes trauma, such as prolonged stress or physical injury like whiplash, concussion, or severe illness, they also experience sensory overload in their daily lives.

             

            The difference between an autistic individual and a neurotypical individual lies in the autistic individual serving as the canary in the mineshaft. Autistic individuals act as a barometer for the challenges existing in our society. Thus, by designing societal structures to accommodate and amplify the strengths of neurodiverse individuals, we ultimately uplift everyone, fostering a truly inclusive and supportive community for both neurodiverse and neurotypical individuals.

             

            MY HEALING: BODY, HEART, AND MIND

            Throughout my life, I’ve faced challenges such as ptsd, pain, anxiety, fatigue, stress, and burnouts, that forced me to confront the circumstances and impact on my well-being.

             

            In my journey, I’ve relied on three strategies operating on three levels: ‘physical’, ‘emotional’, and ‘mental’. Al three strategies are interconnected, forming a biofeedback loop that aids in breaking the cycle and healing from traumas.

             

            Physical, I prioritize exercise and adequate rest. This not only keeps my body and nervous system flexible and strong but also helps me process emotions and thoughts.

             

            Additionally, I employ self-regulation techniques like stretching, focusing on peripheral vision, yawning, and getting upside down. Moreover, I have recently discovered the importance of physical contact in regulating my nervous system. It’s a common knowledge that we regulate each other’s nervous systems, but I have been surprised to learn how much – this explains “hudsult” and why pet owners often have a more stable nervous system.

             

            I have to recognize – and this is tough for me – the stress my nervous system has endured; I have to accept certain limitations, or so it feels. For example, the other day, I attempted to go for a run, but my nervous system went into a fight-and-flight response. Instead, I’ve found alternatives that work better for me, such as going for long walks or engaging in activities that allow me to work hard at a slower pace, especially in warm weather or during hot yoga sessions.

             

            Emotional, I embrace my feelings by nurturing my relationships based mutual BRAVING trust, as described by Brené Brown:


            • Sets Boundaries – we make clear what’s okay and what’s not okay, and why.
            • Are Reliable – we deliver on commitments.
            • Are Accountable – we own mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
            • Vault – our stories.
            • Has Integrity – we choose courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and practicing our values, not just professing them.
            • Are Nonjudgmental – we can ask for what we need, and talk about how we feel without judgment.
            • Are Generous – we extend the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of one another.

             

            When faced with relational challenges, I prioritize open communication to heal and foster trust in others and myself. This, in turn, contributes to making my nervous system feel calmer and more flexible.

             

            Is it easy? Not even close; it’s hard work. However, the kindness of people around grants me the privilege of reciprocity, which sometimes makes it enjoyable, and always educational, fostering empathy for one another. It fills me with a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation.

             

            Mentally, I practice radical self-awareness to recognize, understand, and accurately access my thoughts, feelings, motivation, and behavior. This helps me gain insight into my strengths, weaknesses, values, and beliefs, ultimately aiding me in understanding how I am perceived by others and how my actions impact myself and those around me.

             

            The purpose of the practice is essential in preventing past traumas from dictating my life. By taking responsibility for my upbringing and past traumas, I work every day to break the cycle and create a different life for myself.

             

            After 50 years of practice, I find myself failing miserably every day! Nonetheless, I strive to take small steps forward daily, noticing the changes when I reflect back on my journey. And I persists simply because I insist on improving my connection with myself and others.

             

            POSTSCRIP: FUNCTIONAL DISORDERS

            I have reservations regarding ‘functional disorders’, which encompass a broad spectrum of illnesses such as ME and BDE, where there is a tendency to propose mental solutions for physical challenges. I know I am being very critical right now, but I have significant reservations about using randomized controlled trials (RCT’s) in research to address complex or “wild” problems. The scientific method cannot grasp the interconnectedness in the problems that the individuals experience, as we are not isolated islands, rather, we are connected to the world around us.



            » Why Empathy and Meaningful Connections Are Difficult for Everyone

             

            One of the reasons I have never approached a diagnose as autistic is that the the narrative was that people with autism had no empathy and could not make meaningful connections. That was scary. But the fact of the matter is, learning to be empathic and create meaningful connections is difficult for everybody.

             

            I knew that it was not true because I sense the world very strongly, and I am very good at looking at things from other people’s perspectives. I don’t know if it is because of my personality, because I am autistic, or it is because I was told, directly and indirectly, throughout my childhood that I didn’t take other people’s feelings into considerations – despite doing almost nothing else to survive a versatile childhood.

             

            Empathy and compassion are innate abilities given from birth, but just like other muscles, they need to be trained. That also means that we can’t expect people to be naturally good at it, regardless of whether a person is neurodivergent or neurotypical.

             

            Do I sound harsh? We wouldn’t be talking about bullying in schools and workplaces if we always acted empathic. And Jon Kabat-Zinn wouldn’t have success in promoting mindfulness courses focusing on compassion if we were naturally good at it. And we wouldn’t have wars. So not, empathy is a difficult ability to learn.

             

            So, I delve into empathy, mentalization, compassion, and boundaries, and the art of cultivating meaningful connections where I will make use of Professor Brené Brown’s work from her book “Atlas of the heart”. And I will end it all with a reflection about myself.

             

            ATLAS OF THE HEART

            Brené Brown writes that: Compassion is daily practice, and empathy is a skill set that is one of the most powerful tools of compassion.

             

            Compassion, she continues, is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take actions in the face of suffering... Compassion is fuelled by understanding and accepting that we’re all made of strength and strugglesno one is immune to pain or suffering. Compassion is not a practice of ‘better than’ or ‘I can fix you’.

             

            And she quotes The American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön: “When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience our fear of pain. Compassion practise is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. … In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience – our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our share humanity.”

             

            Empathy, she writes, is an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding.

             

            There are two elements of empathy: Cognitive empathy, sometimes called perspective taking or mentalizing, is the ability to recognize and understand another person’s emotions. Affective empathy, often called experience sharing, is one’s own emotional attunement with another person’s experience.

             

            She moreover writes that we have dispel the myth that empathy is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes’. Walking in someone else’s shoes a slippery slope toward becoming overwhelmed and not being able to offer meaningful support. Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.

             

            And she mentions Theresa Wisemans’ research attributes of empathy added with Kristin Neff:


            1. Perspective takingWhat is the experience like for you?
            2. Staying out of judgmentJust listen, don’t put value on it.
            3. Recognizing emotionsHow can I touch within myself something that helps me identify and connect with what the other person might be feeling? Check in and clarify what you are hearing. Ask questions.
            4. Communication our understanding about the emotionSometimes this is elaborate and detailed, and sometimes this is simply, “Shit. That’s hard. I get that”
            5. Practicing mindfulness (Neff)This is not pushing away emotions because it’s uncomfortable, but feeling it and moving through it.

             

            Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin. If we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behaviour.

             

            And she quotes Prentis Hemphill: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”.

             

            Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

             

            And she ends the chapter with:

             

            “Empathy is not finite, and compassion is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world…

             

            Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggle of others be responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results and affects all of us.”

             

            CULTIVATING MEANINGFUL CONNECTION

            Cultivating meaningful connection is adaring and vulnerable practice that requires ‘grounded confidence’, ‘the courage to walk alongside others’, and ‘story stewardship’.

             

            She quotes Prentis Hemphill when she writes about grounded confidence: “Embodiment is the awareness of our body’s sensations, habits, and the belief that inform them. Embodiment requires the ability to feel and allow the body’s emotions. The embodiment awareness is necessary to realign what we do with what we believe”.

             

            Our bodies are our teachers and the messengers who call out attention to what we’re absorbing and becoming; this is why grounded confidence requires embodiment.

             

            The courage to walk alongside others is other-focused. It is being with peoplenot pushing them from behind or leading from the front, but walking with them in solidarity.

             

            Story stewardship is honouring the sacred nature of the storythe ones we share and the ones we hearand knowing that we’re been entrusted with something valuable or that we have something that we should treat with respect and care.

             

            WHERE AM I?

            Brené Brown ends her book by mention what she was taught by her mom:

             

            Don’t look away. Don’t look down.

            Don’t pretend not to see hurt.

            Look people in the eye.

            Even when their pain is overwhelming.

            And when you’re hurting and in pain, find people who can look you in the eye.

             

            We need to know we’re not aloneespecially when we’re hurting.

             

            Our connection with others can only be as deep as our connection with ourselves. If I don’t know and understand who I am and what I need, want, and believe, I can’t share myself with you. I need to be connected to myself, in my own body, and learning what makes me work. The real gifts of learning language, practicing this work, and cultivating meaningful connection is being able to go anywhere without the fear of getting lost. Even when we have no idea where we are or where we’re going, with the right map, we can find our way back to our heart and to our truest self.

             

            My story is that I am not fully at home in my heart, fare from it, but I am working very hard every day to get there so I can connect with you and the world.

             

            What I have come to learn is that I’m good a mentalizing and feel very deep empathy and compassion. What I have also come to learn is that my biggest challenge with being authentic is that I am not clear, and therefore unclear and unkind. I don’t hold people accountable, and therefore my boundaries are not apparent to people around me. I need to live more in alignment with who I am and be more direct, more solid, and occasionally salty to be able to make better meaningful connections.

             

            The past few weeks, people around me have noticed I have been a bit spicier… I might need to find a tree to yell at… and hug, but I do think it suits me.

             


            » Without Judgment


            The story revolves around the fear of being too sick to handle the job, finding relief in expressing emotions without judgment, and the importance of self-compassion.


            I had just been offered a new job. An attractive job. I should have been happy, but I wasn’t. Instead, my body felt so strained that I couldn’t feel the happiness, I couldn’t think a coherent thought.

             

            It was as if my mind grappled to make sense of it all by accessing the shared pool of the collective unconscious, for me to feel the way I did. 

             

            A thousand thoughts raced through my mind: ‘You are stupid because…’, ‘It is your fault because…’, ‘Why don’t you…’

             

            I knew they had nothing to do with me being offered an attractive job, so there was no reason why I should think the way I did. Despite this understanding, I couldn’t grasp what it was all about; my body was consumed by a senseless panic.

             

            When they asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t put it into words. I couldn’t articulate what was going on inside of me because of all the chaos. Painfully, I admitted to them that I did not know. I painfully said that I couldn’t convey it without sifting through a pool of accusations from the collective unconscious, and that I knew had nothing to do with them.

             

            They sat down on the floor beside me, tight to tight. They placed their hand on my heart, and I placed my hand on their heartand I breathed.

             

            Then, quietly, I expressed all the thoughts that came to mind about their supposed guilt, almost like reciting a list of facts that was not theirs nor mine. With each statement, I felt a sense of relief, knowing that none of thoughts captured the essence of what I was feeling.

             

            It was like I was unlocking the looks, and the water flooded out, while at the same time making space for oxygen to come in, because I no longer drowned in my suppressed sensing emotions.

             

            And sentence by sentence, I started to feel what was going on, that I was afraid. I was afraid that I was too sick to take on the new job. I was afraid that I was too sick to be in a high-performance culture. I was afraid that I was too sick to manage the job. I was afraid…

             

            Gradually, without judgment, I calmed down, allowing me to voice my fearone sentence at a timethat I was too sick to work.

             

            I was immensely grateful for the chance to sit with them without judgment, feeling their presence, sensing, and reconnecting with my body until I regained my sense of self.

             

            POSTSCRIPT: WILL

            It was about seven years ago. I had high metabolism and became very sick for reasons that I still do not understand fully to this day. But I kept standing om my two legs, even when on some days it felt like a miracle just to get out of bed.

             

            I am grateful that I could process my reaction that day without judgment. I wish I had shown the same kindness to myself, not judged myself so harshly, and asked for help.



            » Finding May Way Home


            The story was original posted on Facebook:

            This is a personal journey exploring the pursuit of authenticity, navigating past challenges and coping strategies, and emphasizing the importance of seeking help without judgmen in connection to publishing the blog.


            Firstly, thank you for your patience and endurance with my posts. This is the last post I will make on Facebook with a personal (and professional) content, as I am moving over to my blog “humandiversity.dk” and Instagram.

             

            I may not be as well-known as Glenn Beck or Leonora Christina Skov, so why choose to write so personally? Because somebody has to: if we don’t share our stories, we don’t learn. And if we don’t learn, we cannot change the world and make better connections. Through personal storytelling, we can inspire empathy, understanding, and meaningful change.

             

            But before I continue my journey elsewhere and invite you to join, I will give you an insight into my journey toward going backpacking in Europe.

             

            So, bear with me one last time; this post is going to be a bit like James Joyce’s stream of consciousness writingthough without the same literary talent;)

             

            About ten years ago, I thought I had my life settled with a home and a good joba foundation to stand on, where I could explore who I was after a lifelong struggle to find my place in the world. Unfortunately, I experienced so much stress that I developed a temporary high metabolism where my fascia froze, resulting in chronic pain that made it impossible for me to function and have a normal everyday life, leaving me barely keeping my nose above water. In the end, it was so bad that I had to make a radical choice. I decided to sell my home, quit my job, and find a cure… or drown. At the time, I didn’t say it aloud to myself because it was too unbearable. Fortunately, two years ago, I found the cause and the curethanks to my brain, pure god damn luck, and loads of money.

             

            Throughout the past ten years, I have also reflected on my life and delved into my upbringing in the Danish subclass with an alcoholic mother, numerous relocations, changing schools, and broken relationships because of the relocations. I examined my traumas. I examined what it meant to be identified as being an incorrectly women and incorrectly lesbian. All these parts were fin small pieces of a puzzle contributing to a piece of me but not really revealing who I was.

             

            Then, last summer, someone voiced aloud what I have thought most of my life: I have autism. Being said aloud, it couldn’t be taken back, and it became a fast-track to growth, propelling me into a very intense inner journey where I felt like I was uploading myself at the speed of light. Suddenly, I had all the pieces to the puzzle of me and the map to complete it.

             

            The reason I didn’t voice it aloud earlier in life, despite thinking it many times, was that there was no positive aspect to it. Every time I thought of it, I would recall Dustin Hoffman in the movie “Rain Man”, and that didn’t evoke any positive connotations. I felt like seeing a glass without water instead of as glass half full. However, I knew that couldn’t be the truth because I wouldn’t be where I was in my life, and I wouldn’t have accomplished what I did if that were the case.

             

            Throughout my life, I had developed strategies every time I encountered a problem, where I would create a sort of a box with a set of rules to deal with the problem:

             

            • I very often take breaks throughout the dayto ground me
            • I exercise every dayto process sensorics and emotional overload
            • I always have one or two special interest to fiddle with – for mental health
            • I like order in my stuffto make space for information gathering
            • I appreciate having a certain level of consistency in my routinesto make space for flexibility and creativity
            • I deeply enjoy being around people, and also cherish my time aloneso I don’t trigger myself or others too much
            • I struggle in informal social situationsbut excel in formal social situations when I lead the process
            • I am very bad at small talkbut very good at communicating
            • I have good sense of humourbut don’t understand irony and sarcasm
            • When I travel, I make sure to have three emergency plans in case something happens
            • I practice asking for helplike everybody else.

             

            I didn’t view these strategies as resources; I perceived them as signs of weakness because I couldn’t handle things just as spontaneously as everybody elseI had to think may way through everything. I didn’t recognize them as healthy strategies that were helping me to navigate the world.

             

            But I now understand that these strategies helped me process the sensory and mental overload I experienced, freeing up resources I could use on something meaningful.

             

            What I have come to learn is that precisely because of these strategies, I have managed to stay undiagnosed for fifty years. And it ironically only becomes a diagnosis when your strategies stop working. Which is funny because autism is basically just a way of thinking, learning, and behaving. Which means that autistic people with functional strategies, is not autistic, or hmm…

             

            But it has not been without consequences. I have had burnouts a few times. Among other things, because I kept making compromises about how I am supposed to deal with things: do it all on my own. And who I basically am: a wholehearted person who is sometimes a bit intense, but also deep, funny, helpful, nerdy and sexy, and very resourceful when I get to do things with god people by my side.

             

            After a lifetime of punching my way through life, I just don’t feel that way right now: I am exhausted and don’t feel very likeable.

             

            I knew I was going to be fired from my job, and I also realized that I had to make a change because, for the past couple of years, I had been feeling stuck. Therefore, I believe it is time to approach things very differently if I want to make real changes.

             

            The purpose with going backpacking in Europe is therefore to put the pieces in the puzzle of me together and find my way home, to reconnect with myself.

             

            And along the way, I have to learn to ask for help, a lot of help – because as Brené Brown says:

             

            “When you cannot accept and ask for help without self-judgment, you are never really offering help without judgment. Because you have attached judgment to asking for help. When you extract worthiness for helping people, that’s judgement.

             

            When you don’t extract worthiness and you think, ‘I am just helping you because one day I’m gonna need help’that’s connection. That’s vulnerability.”

             

            Crap, that hurts! I don’t ask for help because I do judge myself much less worth if I do.

             

            So, for someone who loves having three emergency plans when I go travel, this is going to be very uncomfortable, to say the least. But if I stay it, it’s just awful, and if I go, it is tough.

             

            Going holds onto less hardship, because my experience tells me that it carries an element of healing when I step out of my usual context. It’s like I become a blank sheet to paint on. And I need that. I need to be looked at with eyes of people who do not know me, in cultures different from my own, that will not judge me and string me down by perceptions and expectations. I need to find me and the freedom in being who I am.

             

            Because, I am tired of living in a society where the social rules dictate how I am supposed to feel, what I think, what I am allowed to say, and that keeps telling me that I laugh a little too loudlyI am tired of being in a society that finds me a bit too intense. I am tired to feeling, as Hannah Gadsby says about herself it in her show “Douglas”, that I am the tension in the room.

             

            THE BLOG: HUMAN DIVERSITY

            The purpose of the blog the next six months is to explore what it means to be an authentic human being. Having made so many compromises with myself throughout my life, I face the challenge of saying what it means to be me with all the strengths and weakness I have.

             

            In the past six months, I have delved into understanding autism, only to find surprisingly very little knowledge about it. Much of the research has focused on boys who excel in math and either have high or low intelligence, leading to biased perspectives. Fortunately, the landscape is changes, and we now recognize autism not as a spectrum but a wheel of capabilities. And in tests, I exhibit everything from no signs of autism to many signs, depending on how well I mask among others.

             

            During this period, I’ve immersed myself in affirmative science, TED talks, and conversations with people from various backgrounds, many of whom, like me, navigate everyday life in the labour market without a formal diagnosis, each with their unique personalities. Moreover, I see more and more posts on LinkedIn with people saying they are autistic or adhd, including people in high positions.

             

            Because the diagnosis of autism typically arises when coping strategies fail, rather than being based on people’s inherent way of thinking, learning and behaving it is difficult to assess what it means to be an authentic human being without a formal diagnosis.

             

            So, I’m to explore what it truly means to be authentic… and autistic. You see, my strategies partly broke down due to (chronical) illness, and partly because I failed to recognize them as self-care, leading me to compromise and lose sight of myself.

             

            My basic trait in autism is that my sensory processing is highly sensitive, exacerbated by the frozen fascia, and I face challenges in understanding social norms and implicit speech. However, I don’t consider myself totally inept in these areas; rather, I question societal norms that dictate behaviour’s like not taking the last piece of chicken in the buffe or fighting over the dishes in a relationship.

             

            I notice more autistic traits when I comply too much and therefore develops stress, such as a very strong withdrawal from people and minimizing everyday tasks. And that is not a good response, given that I do have very strong communication skills, executive functioning, motor skills, empathy, and emotional resilience.

             

            Throughout my childhood, I was often told I disregarded other people’s feelings, yet nobody ever sincerely asked me how I felt. And so, I have struggled my whole life, feeling as though whatever happens, it was my fault, and that I should never ask for help – like everybody else.

             

            I would really like to learn on this trip to say: “What the fuck are your up to, you piece of shit”not what think, but: Sincerity, Healing, Insight and Togetherness.

             

            As someone trained as a bodyworker and a therapist, I find it curiously amusing how we’re so preoccupied with labelling each other into boxes while simultaneously striving be uniquely right, despite all of us being made up of the same 46 chromosomes... but hey, perhaps I'm just too autistic to grasp the irony.


            If you managed to read all the way down to here, I guess you are a fan of James Joyce: good for you. I am not. Too long;)

             


            » Sunflower


            A ‘personal reflective essay’ inspired by Hannah Gadsby’s show ‘Nanette’ with a touch of science, delving into themes of attachment, trust, and resilience, and the profound role of how sharing our stories fosters connection. Additionally, snippets from her show are included at the end.


            I am a spiritual person. I believe there is something bigger than ourselves. I believe we are connected to the world in a network invisible to our eyes. I believe we are connected to each other through our bodies, singing to one another across distance like the whales sing to one another in the ocean. I believe in making beautiful and heartfelt connections with people I choose to have in my life. I believe in trusting you, holding my heart. I believe in you trusting me, holding your heart.


            And that was not given to me where I grew up, for trust was not a birthright. I was raised with the basic feeling that I was left to myself, in a world I did not understand, that I could not rely on anybody, that I needed to hold on to myself, and that people would disappear out of my life. I was raised with the feeling of not being connected to the world, to people, and to you.


            I don’t know if it’s because I’m neurodiverse and sense the world intensely that I find it so overwhelming. But from an early age, I learned that we are all made of the same stardust: sorrow, anger, fear, shame, joy, and happiness, and that we are all shaped by our shared experiences of good and bad relationships. I don’t know if that’s the reason it’s easy for me to connect to our common pool of emotions and experiences. I can see things from other people’s perspectives and walk alongside them, giving what I know we all needincluding myself: to be listened to, to be told we are okay, and to be loved, and to be appreciated as the fantastic, smart, and attractive individuals we are.


            Throughout my life, having experienced a number of traumas, and therefore having had post-traumatic stress disorder, I’ve learned that no stranger, nor bad person, can break me. I’ve come to understand that people cannot inflict permanent pain when they hold no place in my heart. Having good people in my life makes it possible for me to heal.


            But what I also learned was that if I trusted someone to hold my heart and gently hand it back to me when they no longer wished to carry it, and they did not, I would break into a thousand pieces like a shooting star streaking down through the sky. And that pain inflicts such a deep wound that even with all the good people in my life, healing becomes difficult.


            And I wondered why the difference, and delved into science.


            When we give our heart to someone, we tap into an innate biological mechanism that bonds humans together: attachment. It’s the place where we not only feel safe and whole, but also feel at home, receiving our partners ‘loving presence’. It is the place where we can discharge both physical and emotional stress without fear of judgment or shame, and without being told to simply relax and forget about it. In the very best relationships, we are allowed to experience all forms of stressanger, fear, shutdownand receive all the loving presence of our partner as they sit still and quietly through the storm.


            If a trusted person leaves us without warning on the roadside in a foreign countrywhether it’s a partner, a family member, or a close friendit plunges us into a disconnection from our emotions, thoughts, memories, and surroundings. Although this disconnection is a temporary state, the sudden and unexpected disconnection throws us into a state of survival worse than death, shattering our confidence in our own judgment and in the trust and reliability of people. An abrupt disconnection of the attachment leaves us with unresolved emotions, making healing challenging.


            After delving into science, I came to understand...


            I always stay connected when a relationship ends and take the conversations to heal wounds. I never abandon someone unexpectedly on the roadside in a foreign country. Because, even though we share a common pool of emotions and experiences, our stories are unique and meaningful only to you and me. As human beings, we need to tell, hear, feel, and understand each other’s stories to stay connected to the world. And because I do not have the strength to take care of my story alonebecause suppressing my emotions suppresses my mind and bodyI don’t want my story with you defined by disconnected emotions when instead our story can be connected in a beautiful journey travelled together.


            I don’t know if it is because I’m neurodiverse and therefore a bit naive, or it’s simply because I refuse to bend to our culture’s construction of a social world where there is nowhere we can connect with others while experiencing the full range of our emotional intensity. But I do know this: if we seal ourselves off from our disconnection and store it in our body, we seal off our connection to the world.


            I choose to connect to the world, to trust people, and to trust you because trust is the foundation of all relationshipswhether it be with a partner, lover, friend, family, colleague, and stranger. Without trust, there is no respect; without respect, there is no connection; without connection, there is no loveand that would be an unbearable, heartbreaking world to live in.


            SNIPPITS FROM HANNAH GADSBY’S SHOW ‘NANETTE’

            “… Because my mom is very funny. She lives a comedy better than I can ever write it. Her response to me coming out, when I told her I was a little bit lesbian... Baby steps. Her response... was this. She’s just gone, ”Oh, Hannah. Why did you have to tell me that? That’s not something I need to know. I mean, what if I told you I was a murderer?”


            … She said to me, “The thing I regret is that I raised you as if you were straight. I didn’t know any different. I am so sorry. I’m so sorry. I knew... well before you did... that your life was going to be so hard. I knew that, and I wanted it more than anything in the world not to be the case. And I know I made it worse, because I wanted you to change because I knew the world wouldn’t.” And I looked at my mum in that moment and thought, “How did that happen? How did my mum get to be the hero of my story?”


            … And what I had done, with that comedy show about coming out, was I froze an incredibly formative experience at its trauma point and I sealed it off into jokes. And that story became a routine, and through repetition, that joke version fused with my actual memory of what happened.


            … I tell you this because my story has value. My story has value. I tell you this ‘cause I want you to know, I need you to know, what I know. … What I would have done to have heard a story like mine. … But to feel less alone. To feel connected. I want my story... heard.


            … Stories hold our cure. … I just needed my story heard, my story felt and understood by individuals with minds of their own. Because, like it or not, your story... is my story. And my story... is your story. I just don’t have the strength to take care of my story anymore. I don’t want my story defined by anger. All I can ask is just please help me take care of my story.


            … Do you know why we have the sunflowers? It’s not because Vincent van Gogh suffered. It’s because Vincent van Gogh had a brother who loved him. Through all the pain, he had a tether, a connection to the world.“



            » Hannah Gadsby and How I Got to Think I Am a Genuine Autist


            I’m a huge fan of the Australian stand-up comedian Hannah Gadsby, she is absolutely delightful. I see a lot of myself in her, especially in her show “Douglas”, which explores how she got her autism diagnose and what it meant to her.


            Now, my story differs a bit from hers. I’ve called myself pseudo-autist throughout most of my life because it was very clear to me that I was absolutely clueless in social situations.


            Take, for instance, my numerous bosses who haven’t exactly cherished my habit of speaking my mind directly to their faces. Maybe I cannot blame them? I once told my boss that the projects he believed he had managed successful were, in fact, colossal failures, and everybody was too afraid to tell him… I can still remember the expression on his face.


            The strangest thing about their aversion to my brutal honesty is that whenever they needed unfiltered truth, guess who they sought out? Yep, yours truly.


            But that’s not how I stumbled upon the revelation that I might be a genuine autist, not just a pseudo-on.


            The way I found out, was during a stroll around a lake with someone I had just met - a one-hour walk. And as you do when you meet someone for the first time, you make a formal introduction to one another, right? In my case, I tried to convey my nerdy nature without scaring the person away. Something I often do. I tried to manage that by saying that I was so nerdy that you could call me a pseudo-autist. You see, I thought it was only fair to warn the person that I might be, you know, a bit special.

            And then there was a bit of an awkward silents.


            Then the person smiled back at me and said, “Pseudo…?”.


            And my facial expression went, “Oh!”


            And my thoughts went: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”.


            Typically, that’s role I adopt, you see.


            And then I thought, “How the hell did you see that?”


            I did not vocalize this at the time, despite my knack for delivering unfiltered truth directly to a person’s faceor, more often, say bizarre things to avoid doing soI wanted to leave a good impression.


            Unlike Hannah Gadsby’s experience, it wasn’t another person on the spectrum, that gave me this bit of information; it was a neurotypical person. Now, I’m what they call neurodiverse, in case you’re not familiar with the term. Even though it wasn’t a fellow neurodivergent person enlightening me of my state of mind, I did think it worth pondering about, since I had put a lot of effort in masking, and it took less than an hour to call my bluff and unmask my quirkiness.


            In her show “Douglas”, Hannah Gadsby beautifully illustrates the world through an autistic lens; it is very recognizable. Like her, I can also “find my funny zip and my thinking expands” and “if I ask nicely, yes, I am allowed to eat the box”. I have put a snippet from her performance below, but I highly recommend checking it out on Netflix for the full experience.


            To make a bit of educational content, remember this: If you’ve met one neurodiverse person, you’ve only meet oneevery neurodiverse person is different, just like everybody who is neurotypical.


            SNIPPITS FROM FROM HANNAH GADSBY'S SHOW 'DOUGLAS'

            "... I have autism.


            ... And people with autism rarely make a good first impression. And most people tend to write us off because of that. So, this is a show that rewards people who persevere.


            …But the only reason I even thought to self-diagnose was because people kept telling me. It was usually after a show. People would just come up to me and say, “I think you have autism.” To be fair to every single person that’s ever done that to me in my life, I think they were all on the spectrum. Because that’s how we roll. Pretty much, it’s like, “I have this piece of information you seem to be missing. You may or may not be ready to hear this information, but I’ll tell you, because knowledge is power, ignorance is a cage, and feelings can be dealt with. I bid you a good day.”


            …To give you an idea of what it feels like to be on the spectrum, basically, it feels like being the only sober person in a room full of drunks. Or the other way around. Basically, everybody is operating on a wavelength you can’t quite key into.


            …And until I was diagnosed, I never understood what had happened. The lesson was on prepositions, strap yourselves in for a story. Now, I do like my teacher. She was a good teacher. I liked the way she explained things, but we lost each other this way. This is how she began the lesson. She said, “Imagine a box.”

            And I could do that. I was gifted to a point. Visual thinker. Good box, solid. Three-dimensional, nothing fancy, but there. And then she said, “A preposition is a word that explains your relationship to the box.


            And that’s when my thinking just fell apart, because I thought, “I’m relater to a box?” Then she said, “Now, you can be behind the box. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?”.


            No, they didn’t, but I had a question. I said, “Am I made of box?” Now, let me bring you into my thinking there. I thought if I was related to a box, we must share DNA, and it made more sense in my head that I would be made of box than the box would be made of me.


            But my teacher was not privy to that gifted train of thought circling my head there. So, she was a bit thrown, and she said, “No, Hannah, you’re not made of box. I’m surprised you had to ask that.So, okay, you can be in front of the box then. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?”


            No, they didn’t. But I had another question. I said, “Does the box have a name?” I thought if I had a name, I could work out how we were related. Maybe we were cousins.

            And she said, “No, it’s a box. Boxes don’t have names, Hannah. What boxes do you know have names?” And I started listing breakfast cereals. She’s like, “All right, okay. You can be beside the box. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?”


            No, they didn’t. But I had another question. I don’t remember my thinking behind this question, but I remember asking it, because when I did, everybody laughed and I had no idea why. But I remembered really liking the feeling. Uh-oh. This was the question. I said, “Am I allowed to eat the box?”


            …She didn’t think it was funny. She was like, “Okay. All right. Okay. Calm down. Okay, we might be on the wrong track. How about we imagine something else in relation to the box then? Okay? How about a penguin? Now, the penguin can be inside the box. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?”


            No, they didn’t, but I had some fucking questions about the penguin. I said, “What is the Pinguin made of?”. And that was the question that broke my teacher. You know you’ve broken a teacher when a teacher who never swears swears bad. So I went, “What’s the penguin made of?” And she’s like, “Penguin? I mean... It’s made of fucking penguin!” And as far as answers go, that’s... mwah.” Like, that is watertight. That is a stunning answer. You can’t logic out of that answer. That is a good answer. At that point, I thought, “I might be on the wrong track.”


            But I had other questions pressing, but I thought, “Now doesn’t seem the time. She seems upset.” So what I thought is, “I might hang on to my question.” That’s what I thought, and that was my mistake. I should have asked my question then while we were in the thick of it... or not at all. Because I did the worst possible thing. I waited until she felt safe. Then I asked my question. But I waited so long, it wasn’t even the same lesson. It was much later in the day, in silent reading. I waited so long, it wasn’t even a question anymore. It was more of a theory, and that made it worse. I said, “What if… the penguin ate the box? Wouldn’t then you say he penguin’s a little bit made of box?”


            …Honestly, the day I was formally diagnose with autism was a very good day. Because it felt like I I’d been handed the keys to the city of me. Because I was able to make sense of so many things that had only been so confusing to me.


            Like why I could be so intelligent but struggle to leave any proof.


            Why I can’t fill in forms.


            Why I felt such a profound sense of isolation my entire life, despite trying so hard to be part of the team. And that is a big thing about being on the spectrum. It is lonely. I find it very difficult to connect to others, because my brain takes me to places where nobody else lives.


            ….What this show is is a metaphorical preposition that explains the relationship between what you think you think you see me think… and what I’m genuinely able to think. Because I like the way that I think. If the world is right and I’m right in it, I can find my funny zip and my thinking expands. There is beauty in the way that I think. I don’t think outside the box. But, as it turns out, if I ask nicely, yes, I am allowed to eat the box."

             


            » Jeg er Autist


            Gennem livet er jeg blevet kaldt mange ting: sær, excentrisk, mærkelig, håbløs, anderledes og naiv. Dette er en personlig refleksion over, hvordan jeg oplever verden, og opfordrer til større forståelse og accept af neurodiversitet.


            Jeg er autist.


            Gennem livet er jeg blevet kaldt mange ting: mærkelig, quirky, off, håbløs, anderledes og naiv. Eller folk taler ganske enkelt ikke med mig, fordi de fornemmer, at jeg ikke er som andre.


            Jeg tror, det forvirrer rigtig mange mennesker, at jeg fremstår skarp, vittig og sød, samtidig med at jeg ikke følger de uskrevne sociale spilleregler. Og hvis folk satte ord på, ville de tænke, at jeg ikke forstår sociale interaktioner.


            Men jeg forstår ganske udmærket sociale interaktioner. Men ikke efter samme standard som de fleste.


            Jeg forstår ikke sociale hierarkier, men jeg forstår, at det er vigtigt, hvem man bliver set sammen med, men ikke hvorfor.


            Jeg forstår ikke hentydninger, men jeg forstår, at jeg gør ting forkert, men ikke hvorfor.


            Jeg forstår, at det er vigtigt at man er sød, men jeg forstår ikke hvorfor, jeg bliver valgt fra, fordi jeg ikke er utilnærmelig.


            Jeg hører, hvad folk siger, og ser, hvad de gør. Jeg ser og hører forskellen mellem det, folk siger, og gør. Jeg ser ikke de uskrevne sociale spilleregler, som mennesker tolker ind i hinandens handlinger, så mange ting går hen over hovedet på mig.


            Det går hen over hovedet på mig, hvis en person kan lide mig, men ikke siger det direkte til mig. Jeg forstår ikke, at hvis jeg direkte siger til en person, at jeg kan lide dem, at de tager det ilde op. Vi kan jo bare sige pænt tak.


            Og hvis man på en arbejdsplads siger, vi samarbejdsorienteret og venlige, så er det jo selvfølgelig sådan det er, ik? Nop!


            Så fordi jeg ikke følger de uskrevne sociale spilleregler, men tager folk på ordet, oplever jeg, at folk projicere deres egne ting op på mig: som var de en projektor og jeg et hvidt lærred, hvor folk kaster deres fordomme, forestillinger og forventninger op på mig. Det gør ondt.


            Når vi giver håndtryk, ser jeg verden igennem Goffmans mikrosociologiske briller:


            • Når vi mødes, ser jeg, hvor du står i rummet, og hvordan du står i forhold til alle andre mennesker. Jeg ser, hvordan du bevæger din krop, gestikulere med dine hænder og din ansigtsmimik, hvor du retter dit blik hen, hvordan du spænder i musklerne omkring øjnene og munden. Jeg ser, hvordan du bevæger dig hen imod mig og med hvilken hastighed. - Jeg ser dit valg af hierarkisk position.
            • Jeg ser din frisure og makeup, dit tøj, dine sko, dine smykker, samt de tilhørende farver og teksturer. - Jeg ser dit valg af sociale symboler.
            • Når vi giver hånd, lægger jeg mærke til din parfume, din øjenfarve og farveændringen i regnbuehinden og det hvide i dine øjne, dit håndtryk, og hvor varm din hånd er, din huds tekstur, og hvordan du giver håndtrykket. - Jeg lægger mærke til, hvordan du spiller din sociale rolle.
            • Når du taler, lægger jeg mærke til hvilket tryk du lægger på de enkelte ord, afstanden mellem ordene, hastigheden hvormed du siger ordene. Jeg lægger mærke til dine valg af sproglige vendinger. Jeg hører dine valg af sætninger. Og Jeg hører også det du ikke siger. - Jeg ser dit valg af sociale værdier.
            • Og så lægger jeg helt særligt mærke til din vejrtrækning og ændringerne i dit nervesystem. - Jeg sanser og mærker din følelsesmæssige tilstand.


            Da jeg ikke kan filtrere mine sanseindtryk, systematiserer jeg alt, hvad jeg ser, hører, lugter og mærker. Og når jeg har tilpas mange - og det er meget få - information om dig, forudser jeg din adfærd, før du selv er klar over, hvad du tænker. Også før du handler. Alle handlinger, du foretager dig, er en forudsigelse af foregående handlinger. Jeg kan også sætte en psykologisk model på din adfærd og fortælle dig, hvorfor du handler, som du gør. Men det kræver mange samtaler mellem dig og mig, før jeg forstår lige præcis dig, og jeg mærker dyb empati med dig.


            Min hjerne er en seismograf, der registrerer selv de mindste ændringer i mennesker, og jeg bliver derfor ofte overbelastet. Og derfor bliver jeg til tider så usikker, at jeg griner højt og siger og gør mærkelig ting. Det er jeg meget ked af, fordi jeg ikke får sagt, hvad jeg virkelig mærker.


            Jeg kan lide min måde at opleve verdenen på. Men en gang imellem ville jeg ønske, at andre ville tage mine briller på, og se verdenen fra mit sted, i stedet for at jeg altid skal tage andres briller på, og få at vide at jeg er forkert.


            Psykologen Per Schultz Jørgensen budskab i bogen ”Broen til det andet menneske” er, at vi alle er ens, og ønsker vi ikke at efterlade hinanden ensomme midt i en stor flok, skal vi tage hinanden alvorligt, lytte og bidrage. Vi skal turde lytte til den anden og skabe forbundethed – vi skal gå over broen til det andet menneske. Socialpsykologen Jytte Vikkelsø vil sikkert også sige, at vi skal turde gå over broen til os selv, ellers får vi svært ved at gå over broen til det andet menneske.


            Disclaimer inden jeg slutter af med et citat fra standup-komikeren Hannah Gadsby fra ”Nanette”: Jeg har ikke et officielt papir på, at jeg er autist. Jeg har kaldt mig selv pseudo-autist det meste af mit liv på grund af den måde, jeg sanser, føler og tænker, samt min mere direkte og mindre implicit måde at kommunikere på end andre mennesker. Jeg har erfaret, at min måde at opleve verden på ikke er den samme som andres, og derfor tænker jeg, at det måske er på tide at undersøge, om jeg skal fjerne "pseudo".


            PS til læseren, det retoriske budskab er selvfølgelig vinklet med et budskab: vi er ens, gå over broen til det andet menneske og connect.


            UDDRAG FRA HANNAH GADSBY'S SHOW 'NANETTE'


            "... To be rendered powerless does not destroy your humanity. Your resilience is your humanity. The only people who lose their humanity are those who believe they have the right to render another human being powerless. They are the weak. To yield and not break, that is incredible strength.


            … I believe we could paint a better world if we learned to see it from all perspectives, as many perspectives as we possible could. Because diversity is strength. Difference is a teacher. Fear difference, and you learn nothing.


            … Through all the pain, he (Vincent van Gogh) had a tether, a connection to the world. And that… is the focus of his story we need – connection."


            Poems

            - A Journey Through Words



            FORBRYDELSE OG STRAF


            Køleskabet er tomt.


            På gulvet foran hoveddøren ligger børnechecken.


            Min mor er på druk, og hun har ikke været hjemme i mange dage.


            At vente på min mor kommer hjem i dag, i morgen eller en anden dag, er frugtesløst spild af håb.


            Mine søskende og jeg er sultne.


            Jeg går ind i skrivebordet, hvor jeg ved, min mor har en adressebog liggende.


            Bogen har ligget der i mange år. Den er tom,

            bortset fra min mors navn skrevet med sirlige blåbogstaver

            på bagsiden af forsiden.


            Jeg skriver en fuldmagt til mig selv,

            der giver mig tilladelse til at hæve min mors børnepenge.


            Det har jeg gjort mange gange før,

            når min mors hånd har rystet af tømmermænd.


            Jeg lægger fuldmagten over min mors navn

            og kopiere hendes underskrift.


            Det har jeg aldrig gjort før.


            Jeg lægger børnechecken over min mors navn

            og kopiere hendes sirlige håndskrift,

            når hendes hånd ikke ryster af tømmermænd.


            Det har jeg heller aldrig gjort før.


            Jeg går på posthuset og beder om at hæve min mors børnepenge.


            Som jeg har gjort så mange gange før.


            Jeg kikker ikke damen bag skranken i øjnene,

            mens jeg småsnakker med hende om vejret.

            Jeg skammer mig.

            Jeg er sikker på, at damen bag skranken kan se på mig,

            at jeg ikke har fået lov til at hæve børnepengene af min mor.

            Men det kan damen bag skranken ikke.

            Eller også tilgiver hun mig,

            fordi hun ved min mor ikke er hjemme.

            De ved så meget, der hvor jeg bor.


            Jeg køber ind.

            Hverken for meget eller for lidt.

            Jeg køber ind, som min mor ville have købt ind:

            mælk, cornflakes, rugbrød, salami, kødpølse, leverpostej og minarine.


            Jeg gemmer kvitteringen.

            Jeg gemmer resten af pengene.


            Jeg ved, at jeg en dag skal stå foran mennesket,

            som er større end gud—

            min frygtindgydende mor—

            og kikke hende i øjnene og sige:


            vi bare var sultne.



            WHAT ABOUT ME

            The Weight of Being Masked


            Can I be there for you?
            May I be there for you?
            May I feel the way I do?


            I am what you need, you say.


            I listen to your stories,
            knowing the darkness inside me,
            my heart is full of compassion.
            I talk,
            knowing understanding is difficult.
            I feel… vulnerable.


            I hold your cold hand,
            I sense your fear,
            I stay strong.

            I discover my neurodivergency
            I meet the stereotype,
            I feel astray.


            You follow your pleasure—
            I sense joy.
            I follow mine—
            I feel lost.


            I hold you when you rest;
            you feel safe.
            I am alone when I am tired;
            I feel unsafe.


            As a bird,
            I am pushed out—
            a firm hand forcing my back.
            I drop through the sky,
            split into pieces
            as I hit the runway.


            I wake up
            in sheets soaking wet,
            panicked.
            My superpower—logic—has abandoned me,
            and with it,
            my shield.


            I know I deserved it,
            unworthy of your thought.


            Laughter is gone,
            lost in resentment

            I deserve…

            because
            I
            became
            invisible,
            because
            I
            masked,
            because
            I don’t know how
            not to mask,
            because

            life taught me
            that not masking
            will make you turn away.


            I dare not let you see me.


            I know this is not the true story—
            a story lost in feelings not expressed,
            in thoughts not spoken,
            in actions not taken.


            A bridge not built—
            to me.


            Once again,
            I stand on your shore,
            stranded,
            whispering:
            What about me?



            FREEDOM


            I broke the surface

            of the water

            and breathed—

            you;

            freedom.


            From the bottom of the sea,

            I saw the sun

            and the blue sky—

            feeling safe,

            I breathed

            me;

            the past—

            and drowned.


            Now,

            I take every breath

            to live,

            to move,

            to connect

            me

            in freedom

            with you in my heart.



            DREAMS


            I noticed, when I listen to Jytte Vikkelsøe,

            I had never allowed myself to dream.

            Never.


            Where I grew up, dreaming was a luxury

            I could not afford.


            And so, I spent my life
            focused on moving forward,
            running away—
            leaving parts of myself behind,
            like forgotten cargo at a train station.


            I carry many lived stories,

            but none reveal the hooks within me.

            What I feel transcends the surface—

            it reaches a core 

            that I've yet to understand.


            For too long, I've run without dreaming—

            now I must learn,

            and quickly:

            to dream that I am FREE,

            truly free into my bones;

            to breathe oxygen through my skin,

            as I did the day I was born.


            I need to breathe in my lover,

            my partner,

            my friend,

            my equal—

            to nurture spiritual growth

            in both you and me.


            What scares me the most,

            is that people see me

            as they see Hannah Gadsby:

            quirky, ironic, funny—

            but never meeting the depth beneath.

            They peer at the surface of the water,

            seeing only their own reflections—

            never the depths of the well.


            I know I am perceived

            as a quirky-laughing person,

            but behind my quirky laughter,

            I deconstruct the world

            and the people in it,

            searching for sense.

            I express my observations

            in ironic, witty quips—

            or just say odd things

            when better words fail me.


            And so I write:

            I see you,

            looking at me,

            never meeting me—

            dreaming.



            OVER A CUP OF COFFEE

             Unraveling Perception


            In learning life,
            I am one step behind,
            not understanding the moment.


            A time later,
            over a cup of coffee,
            looking out the window,
            moments reveal themselves—
            new perspectives
            showing
            a world of uncertainty,
            of the many things to be understood:
            you,
            me,
            us,
            and everybody else.


            Learning
            is a quiet moment
            looking back at noise—

            thinking:
            will I ever be worthy of love...

            still waiting

            over the next cup.



            CONNECTING


            I am disconnected,

            connected

            to a disconnected world.


            Reaching out—

            connecting

            in a disconnected way,

            treads felt

            in distance,

            in longing.


            Connecting:

            one

            human being

            at a time,

            slowly,

            deliberately,

            making

            connections—

            connected;


            for a moment,

            I feel you.



            GRUE // GAP


            Glue—

            the only layer,

            there,

            not seen.

             

            The glued,

            the layers,

            not there,

            but seen.

             

            Comprehensive structures

            mispercepted assembled,

            in unbreakable,

            beautiful fractiles—

            so misunderstood

            that their essence

            cease to exist.

             

            In the grue // gap,

            substance becomes hollow,

            lost,

            when not glued.

             


            STILHED


            Stille.

            Stilhed.

            Er når træerne i mørket står og sukker

            Når du ikke kan høre barken knirke og bladene rasle,

            men dog kan høre træerne trække vejret—

            og sukker

            over menneskets dårskab og dets trang til at fælde

            alt levende.

            Under stjernerne,

            langt borte,

            ser træerne ej længere Mælkevejen glimte.

            Den er gemt i lyset—

            I menneskets oplyste dårskab og dets trang til at slukke

            alt levende.

            Alene,

            lige ved siden af,

            står træerne uden natur.

            Den er glemt—

            i menneskets futuristiske dårskab og dets trang til at bøje

            alt liv.

            Træerne i mørket sukker,

            mod enden uden liv.

            Stilhed.

            Stille.



            FORELSKELSE


            Forelskelse

            er en ganske modbydelig følelse,

            der føles som tømmermænd

            efter en dårlig nat i byen.


            Jeg føler, jeg har det så dårligt,

            at det skal ud af begge ender,

            og at jeg ikke ved,

            om jeg skal vende røven til toilettet først

            eller hovedet,

            og derfor ender med røven på toilettet

            og hovedet i spanden.


            Jeg føler, jeg bliver revet i tusind stykker

            og mister mig selv

            uden mulighed for tilgivelse af livet

            for den dumdristighed

            at lade mig indfange

            af den anden.


            Jeg føler, jeg er blevet blind,

            og hverken kan se mig selv

            eller den anden

            og derfor mister enhver fornemmelse

            af retning i livet.


            Jeg føler, min værdighed forsvinder,

            og at evnen til at tænke rationelt

            og handle fornuftigt

            er væk for evigt.


            Jeg fortryder, jeg blev forelsket

            og savner følelsen af at mærke mig selv,

            så jeg kan se den anden

            og mig selv

            som mennesker igen.


            Og alligevel slap den anden derind,

            hvor jeg aldrig giver adgang,

            og jeg blev forelsket.



            QUEER KNOTS

            An Exploration of Connection


            It is not the ropes themselves

            I find interesting.

            The ropes are just a medium—
            my attention is the tether.

            It is my attention—

            on you,

            my intension—

            my tension—

            that draws us closer:

            connecting—

            body to body,

            mind to mind,

            soul to soul.


            To create sensation:

            soft, hard,

            sting, deep,

            short, long…

            pain.


            To evoke emotions:

            insecurity,

            vulnerability,

            exposure...

            (i)mpowerment—born of trust.


            To still your racing mind,

            to reset your world—

            in quiet simplicity.


            It is the way we play that brings it to life:

            far away, close by,

            high above, low to the ground...

            distance brings us closer.


            It is how we weave our dreams and desires:

            whispered before,

            in unspoken glances

            along the way,

            after—spoken and unspoken.


            And I am stronger than I think,

            slower than I’d admit.

            I’ve learned that I AM a soft dominant who likes to give—

            relief,

            to take—

            a smile,

            and to feel your gratitude

            in every touch,

            in every movement,

            in every lingering breath…

            when you fuck me—

            hard,

            raw,

            and real.



            PHANTOM


            A phantom,

            is a physical

            manifestation

            of a dream.


            A phantom—

            I am—

            removing the mask

            put on me

            by voices not my own.


            To show

            myself

            the phantom  hidden

            deep within;

            I scream—

            to shatter

            the chaos inside.



            SOS


            ...

            ..-

            -...

            --

            ..

            -


            --- .-.


            ...

            ..-

            .-.

            .-.

            .

            -.

            -..

            .

            .-.


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